Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we decide to give up on print after a few weeks of disappointments and switch to digital versions of the tabloids, only to find out that they all use the same shade of pink for their iOS icons:
This week, Gwen Stefani is pregnant, Miranda Lambert is pissed off, Scott Disick has slept with everyone on E!, and Lucy’s psychologist has some stuff to say.
GWEN & BLAKE: WE’RE PREGNANT
These two co-hosts of The Voice have only just come out of the closet and announced their love, but Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton are expecting a baby together! Sources tell OK! that Gwen has a teeny tiny little Blake inside her. And in just a few months, that little baby will pop out of her womb, crack open a six pack and sing about cows or whatever.
Miranda, of course, is pissed. A source says she was “disgusted” by the news of their relationship, so we can only assume news of their pregnancy will cause her to lose her mind, rob a few banks, go on the run, and eventually drive off a cliff into the Grand Canyon. Alone. It’ll be even more tragic than Thelma & Louise because no one will be in the passenger seat. Poor thing.
What else is going on. Oh! Ryan Gosling is so over Eva Mendes. Or, maybe Eva Mendes is so over Ryan Gosling? Maybe it’s both. Whatever the case, their love has evaporated and is now floating somewhere over Griffith Observatory. The couple used to be seen at the LA restaurant called Little Dom’s all the time, but lately Ryan has been eating there—gasp!—alone. Side note: my friends took me to Little Dom’s last time I was in LA because they said it’s a prime spot for celebrity spotting, but guess how many I saw. None! Zero! I spent a dang week in LA and the only celebrity I spotted was the kid (he’s an adult, I guess) from Cougar Town. But anyway, sorry for the tangent. Let’s get back to the gossip: Ryan Gosling is probably in love with Emma Stone.
Interview Response of the Week:
OK: Are there any unusual skills you’ve acquired on a movie set?
Sandra Bullock: I have absolutely no skills.
- Cameron Diaz and Jennifer Aniston are “best frenemies,” whatever that means.
- Jimmy Fallon is still “out of control.”
- Lamar and Khloe might get their own biopic.
- Everyone in Hollywood thinks Jared Leto is a good guy.
- Caitlyn Jenner is very lonely.
- Sandra Bullock is paying all of Bryan Randall’s bills.
- Ugh, Liam Hemsworth and Jennifer Lawrence might be a thing.
Grade: D- (You go to LA and the only celebrity you see is the kid from Cougar Town.)
BLAKE & MIRANDA: THEIR WAR TURNS NASTY
Exes Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert (ugh sorry, I’m sick of them too) are “at war” and it’s gotten “nasty.” Miranda is allegedly upset that the news about Blake and Gwen’s relationship overshadowed her music” during the CMAs. A source says “Blake knows miranda better than anyone and he knows that all of this Gwen stuff is just killing her. But this is his ultimate revenge.”
Speaking of wars, Robin Williams’s family is currently engaged in one, too. His children have ramped up “their fight against their father’s widow” after she “publicly painted herself as the wronged widow” and revealed some of Robin’s medical problems on television before telling his own children. Sad. Moving on.
Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake aren’t going to vaccinate their children! Sources say Jessica “feels that vaccination could cause complications.” And even though In Touch reached out to the couple “a combined total of nine times over several weeks,” they did not receive a single response. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go rewrite the lyrics of “SexyBack” and call it “AntiVaxx.”
Take ‘em to the bridge!
- Leah Messer “emptied” her twins’ trust funds.
- Brad Pitt is probably getting as many fillers as everybody else.
- The Sister Wives’s lives are still a mess.
- Pink’s marriage is over.
- The only way E! would agree to a second season of I Am Cait was for Caitlyn to take a pay cut.
- Sarah Michelle Gellar loves her java as much as I do! :) :) :)
Grade: D+ (Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake don’t let you get a flu shot.)
Life & Style
SCOTT’S CONFESSION IN REHAB: HE SLEPT WITH HER SISTERS!
Have you ever been in a relationship with someone and slept with two of that person’s siblings? At least one person has, and that person is Scott Disick. During a recent visit to his Malibu rehab center, Scott “sat Kourtney down and confessed to all of his bad behavior, from the years of cheating to the drug-fueled sex parties.” Kourtney was “shocked,” which makes sense, because many of the women Scott cheated on her with WERE HER SISTERS. He allegedly banged Khloe in “a Hamptons hotel shower,” and boffed Kylie “during a drunken night earlier this year.” But despite all the sibling sex, Kourtney is willing to forgive him—which should be good for ratings.
Gwen and Blake are in lovvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvve!!!!! Oh never mind.
- Halle Berry is worried that Olivier Martinez will write a tell-all about their relationship. I, however, am excited.
- Kim Richards isn’t being paid to be on RHOBH.
- Dean McDermott’s ex claims his entire relationship to Tori Spelling is a big scam.
- Kate Middleton is “preparing to strike back” against the online bullies who have been so mean to her. I have no clue what that entails.
- Wear emerald green or pray you’re unseen.
- Wear a lace-up dress or you’ll look like a mess.
- Wear a skinny scarf or—this one’s more difficult. Hmmm. Wear a skinny scarf or...I’ll call you a dog and go, “ARF!”
Grade: D- (You write the following sentence: “I’ll call you a dog and go, ‘ARF!’”)
LUCY’S SECRETS: THE PSYCHOLOGIST TELLS ALL
In this SHOCKING interview, Lucille Ball’s former psychologist sat down with Closer to discuss her “complexity and vulnerability.” I didn’t think this was legal for psychologists to do, but what do I know? I don’t work for Closer!
So, this doctor says Lucille was “very reflective, empathetic, and sensitive.” She also “downplayed her achievements” and referred to herself as “very lucky.”
Other choice Lucy quotes:
On her miscarriages:
“I had children very late in life, making you appreciate them even more. I lost two, and I had two.”
On her talent:
“If I made it, anybody can, because I had no talent whatsoever.”
On her husband:
“Desi did nothing in moderation—booze, broads, and gambling. It sounds vulgar, and that’s what it was.”
Whaddaya know? Goldie Hawn is about to turn 70! A friend tells Closer, “She always says you’re as young as you feel, and she still feels like a 30-year-old. She’s healthy and vibrant and comfortable in her own skin.” Goldie’s doin’ great!
That’s the gist of this whole magazine, really, and it’s a gosh darned delight. These people are over 40 and they’re doin’ great! Wanna read about how great they’re doin’??? Pick up Closer!
- Raquel Welch is “DONE with marriage!”
- Hoda Kotb and Rod Stewart goofed around on the red carpet recently!
- Susan Sarandon has such a good relationship with her children!
- Tab Hunter used to “date” women like Natalie Wood and Debbie Reynolds, but he was only doing it to hide his homosexuality!
- Meeting Mother Theresa “changed” Salma Hayek’s life!
- Ed Asner is doin’ great!
- Nicole Kidman is doin’ great!
- Christie Brinkley is doin’ great!
- Jeff Goldblum? You guessed it! Doin’ great!
Grade: A+ (You’re 90 and doin’ great!)
Fig. 1 - Life & Style
Fig. 2 - Closer
Fig. 3- InTouch
Contact the author at firstname.lastname@example.org.