Graphic: Elena Scott/GMG; Image: People, Girls’ World, Us Weekly

I read the magoozines. This is my story.


Girls’ World

This magazine rules! I bought it, thinking it’d be a mix of “Be like these teen stars!!”-meets-“You must fall in love with these other teen stars who are boys” à la J-14 or Tiger Beat, but it’s not! Compared to its rivals, Girls’ World treads relatively lightly on the celebrity content path.

Sure, there’s a two-page spread of celebrity candids feautring Johnny Orlando, Camila Cabello, Dove Cameron, and a bunch of others; tips from Skai Jackson on how to conquer your fears; a quiz to see which character from Alexa & Katie you are (I’m a Katie); some posters of Selena Gomez and a young man named Jace; and at least three appearance by mine own cursèd fave JoJo Siwa. But the bulk of its pages are filled with personality quizzes, a helpful feature on “Braiding 101,” reader-submitted stories and recipes (pineapple cake, pizza croissants, Halloween cupcakes), and crafting ideas (glitter wands, a hamburger plushie made out of painted sponges and pantyhose). After reading Teen Boss a couple weeks ago, it’s nice to see a magazine for kids promoting creativity for the sake of itself, rather than for the sake of monetizing that creativity.

Also, the first issue I picked up happened to feature a black celebrity on the cover, which is exactly one more black celebrity than I’ve seen on the cover of J-14 since I started doing Midweek Madness, and those covers usually feature up to five or six people at once. Oh, and there’s an op-ed/“diary” entry by an 11-year-old named Kaia advocating that we spend less time on our screens and more time with the people we love. “If we spend more time hanging out with our friends…we can create a life that’s so much better than any fantasy world someone else is living in—a life we don’t need to escape from.”

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There’s no ethical consumption under capitalism, but! gun! to! my! head! if! you! made! me! lie! I’d say Girls’ World comes somewhat kinda perhaps arguably close.


People

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Guess how many times the word “bohemian” appears in this People magazine on Ashlee Simpson and Evan Ross’ home life? Twice. Guess how many times the word “create” or variants “creativity” and “creative” appear? Three times. We’ve also got an “inspired,” an “artistic,” an “eclectic,” and an “artists,” too. In Gentrification of the Mind: Witness to a Lost Imagination, Sarah Schulman writes that “bohemia has nothing to do with poverty or with wealth. It is a value system that is not based on materialism… There are people who go to work every day in a suit and tie who are bohemian and will never have a bourgeois mentality like the loads of people who graduate from art school and are completely bourgeois.” That said………I still don’t think noted rich people Ashlee Simpson and Evan Ross are bohemian?? Anyone wanna back me up here????

Elsewhere this week, Sabrina Bryan—the non-3LW member of the Cheetah Girls—got married at Wayne Newton’s Vegas home, Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck are “divorced at last,” Ellie Kemper has a book deal, and I am furious at mainstream publishing. Keira Knightley’s daughter said “fuck” one time, Montel Williams feels “blessed to be alive” after suffering a stroke, Tina Turner says her relationship with Ike was “defined by abuse and fear,” and Pete Davidson casually lets slip that fiancée Ariana Grande pays about $60,000 a month in rent what the fuck???????? Lady Gaga’s trottin’ out the ole “dragging my piano” soundbite to promote A Star is Born—though “If just one person believes in you…” is nowhere to be found)—and HGTV star Leanne Ford’s gonna kiss the shit out of her baby. Last and perhaps least, Kendall Jenner went on a date with Anwar Hadid, which surely dispells at least one rumor that perhaps exists, though the contents of said rumor…who can say what they are? Certainly not me, Mrs. Ethics, talking about powerful celebrities in sue-able print!


Us Weekly

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Logan Browning wore it better, Spy Kids star Alexa PenaVega shares that she now goes on multiple cruises per year because her husband has a cruising “obsession”—a solid case against marriage if I ever heard one!—Timothée Chalamet and Lily Rose Depp are dating, John Cena says every single one of his Instagram posts “has purpose,” and Busy Philipps says she got body-shamed by the wardrobe department on the set of Dawson’s Creek. This Meghan Markle sister situation is sad, Maria Menounos got married, and Taylor Kinney says he’s very happy for ex-fiancée Lady Gaga and all the success she’s having with A Star is Born…or is he?? What he tells the mag: “I know she gave it her all,” which, yeah, seems like “a” “nice” “thing” “to” “say.” Unless you read Gaga’s People cover story, where she talks about how her relationship with the Chicago Fire star ended while filming movie! “I know she gave it her all” because she stopped giving anything to me?? Shade Court is long dead, so please litigate how real he’s being in the comments below!


Stray thoughts: me as beav.

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……this is fucking bleak.

Me writing a scene between two women.

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Me writing a scene between two cis women.

Not a candid!

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Rude to Ashanti!

Say goodbye, Jace!