This Week in Tabloids: First Pix of Jennifer Aniston's 'Baby Bump'

By Dodai Stewart | July 31, 2013 | 7:05pm

Celebrities

Welcome back to Midweek Madness! Every Wednesday, we visit the newsstand and buy the latest issues of Ok!, In Touch, Life & Style, Us and Star. Today, Callie Beusman assists as we dabble in the dark arts of celebrity gossip. This week: Cancer and mental illness are to blame for the imaginary Michael Douglas/Catherine Zeta-Jones divorce; that weird dude from The Bachelorette is gay; and Jennifer Aniston’s “baby bump” is just a pleat in a sundress.

Ok!

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“YES, I’M PREGNANT!”

Move, over North West: the new “royal Kardashian baby du jour” is the rumored fetus growing inside of Kourtney. Empirical evidence: although Kourtney literally never said “yes, I’m pregnant,” she might as well have, because she sports a lil’ bump, a mysterious glow, and no one has seen her consume an alcoholic beverage or an uncooked sushi roll in days. Also, the mag seriously called the birth of baby North West “her debut.” Oh, God. Next. Robert Pattinson is romantically involved with every woman he speaks to or works with or sees or thinks about, apparently. One such woman, his new co-star Sarah Gadon, “keeps telling him how she wants to take him to her favorite ice cream parlor, Dutch Dreams… but if they’re trying to keep things quiet, they might have to wait a while.” What an interesting insight; thank you, Rob insider. Dutch Dreams sounds really nice. Hope you two make it there eventually. Moving on: RHONJ‘s Melissa Gorga and Teresa Giudice are fighting and the magazine has given them a forum to voice their concerns, because apparently a television show a book and Bravo-sponsored blogs are not sufficient. Great.

Grade: F (a pox on both your houses)

In Touch

“A BABY FOR JEN!”

Hooray, it’s Unsolicited Uterus Update time! Jennifer Aniston is not pregnant, but when you have an arrow pointing to a pleat in a sundress, you can write anything you want! This story claims that her “dream of starting a family” is “finally feeling within reach.” She allegedly started IVF treatments, and has “telltale body clues” that mean she could be knocked up already. An “eyewitness” says she has gained weight, and she was also seen (DUN DUN DUN…) holding a script in front of her stomach. “The signs are all there,” claims the copy. Remember, kids, only in tabloid land can you get pregnant by holding a hat in front of your belly. In the real world, you wait for a stork. (Fig. 1, Fig. 2) Also inside: RHONJ‘s Teresa has always been in denial about what her husband Joe does — putting accounts in her name — and now it could land her in prison. Finally, Jessica Simpson has “debuted” her post-baby body by being seen in public — aka a paparazzi snapped her photo in the short time it took for her to walk from her car to the door of the building housing her doctor’s office.

Grade: F (drink of despair)

Life & Style

“I’LL RAISE MY BABY ALONE”

It’s important to realize that: 1. There is no baby and 2. Khloe and Lamar have not broken up. Still, the mag claims Khloe and Lamar are on the rocks because of a “cheating scandal” and Khloe’s infertility. Ah, yes, this oft-repeated tale. Khloe will have a baby no matter what, says an insider. Yawn. Next. Miranda Lambert has hired SPIES to SPY ON her husband Blake Shelton while he’s on tour. Ok, they are not spies, and she hasn’t hired them: they’re some people on the crew whom Miranda has befriended. Blake doesn’t know about the “spies,” according to the copy, helpfully noting that Miranda is “the daughter of private investigators.” Spies run in the family. SPIES. Moving on: since there’s no real Royal Baby news to report, the editors have kindly compiled a “Royal Baby A to Z.” D is “diapers.” G is “grandparents.” M is “missing his mom,” because William will probably miss his late mother. Seriously, guys?

Grade: F (the curse of the Lamia)

Star

“$300 MILLION DIVORCE!”

Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones have not filed for divorce. But the mag claims that Michael is waiting until the Emmys are over to announce a split; she went to a red carpet event by herself — he didn’t show up because he was filming — which is supposed to be proof that they are “rarely under the same roof.” The past few years have been extremely tough because of his cancer diagnosis and her battles with mental illness. Really sad, so a perfect opportunity to speculate about what’s to become of Michael’s “fortune.” If they DID get divorced, it COULD be a $300 million case. Moving on. Lindsay Lohan wants her documentary series to be the highest-rated show OWN has ever aired, so she’s reaching out to her ex-lovahs and frenemies. Even Brandon Davis, “who famously nicknamed her Firecrotch.” The horror! The scandal! Next. There is a picture on the Internet of Bachelorette contestant Brooks hugging another man FROM BEHIND, so he is probably gay, says everyone. “If Brooks is gay, he’s not only pulled the biggest prank on one of the most popular network dating shows of all time, but he’s also broken [Bachelorette] Desiree’s heart,” says an insider. Yes, a “prank,” let’s call it that. Onward: Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds are obsessed with becoming the next Brad and Angie. The mag claims that the couple goes out of their way to “mirror” Brangelina — which is exactly what they are doing, if the mirror in question distorts Brad and Angie’s reflection until they look way less cool and interesting. Here’s the proof: Brangelina has houses in New Orleans and France. Blayan (?) has houses in… Bedford, NY… and British Columbia. Brad apprenticed with Frank Gehry and Ryan… um, “never gets tired of museums.” Ooookay.

GRADE: D- (a hex on you)

“KATE’S FIRST WEEK”

Kate Middleton and her newborn Prince George are at her parents’ mansion in Bucklebury, where everything is totes adorable and normal and even though there’s a housekeeper, William “still has to help load the dishwasher after dinner.” Kate is breastfeeding, the cocker spaniel is there, and it’s all super darling like a scene from Peter Pan. Will and Kate have no nanny, and no plans to get one, and even though William went to boarding school at age 8, they don’t want to George to go and are firmly against boarding school. Like we said, everything’s awesome, nothing to see here, let’s move along. Next: As mentioned earlier, Simon Cowell is going to be a dad; Lauren Silverman is the lady in question, and yes, she is still married to Simon’s friend Andrew Silverman. Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber are not back on, so congratulate her. Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux have adopted a rescue dog named Clyde. Lastly, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are still planning on getting married this year — things got delayed because of her mastectomy — so just calm down.

Grade: B- (calling the corners)

Addendum

Fig. 1, 2 via In Touch