This Week In Tabloids: Eva Longoria's Husband Has Text Affair

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which Margaret and I sniff the tabloids, searching for the sweet aroma of gossip. Today, Tony Parker’s accused of sending “hundreds” of suspicious texts, while Angelina and Brad prepare for a New Year’s wedding.

Ok!
“Just Married!”
Margaret would have no qualms with this story if the cover crowed about having exclusive shots from the set of the latest Twilight flick Breaking Dawn; they’ve been filming the wedding and honeymoon scenes in Brazil — and there’s pictures of Kristen Stewart in a bikini and Robert Pattinson in his underwear in here. But the “Just Married” headline is so misleading and dumb. They were “just married” in a scene for the film. Get it? Moving on: In a weird interview, Joe Simpson tells the magazine: “Jessica does not have to work anymore.” Her businesses, yes, plural, will be making a turnover of $700 million by the end of the year. And: “If there’s one woman that Jessica and I are looking at — and where I want Jessica to be — it is Angelina Jolie.” So wait… He thinks she can win an Oscar? Or that she can adopt six kids and live in France with a guy she’s not married to? Well, Angie doesn’t have a fragrance called Fancy Nights or leopard print heels in her name, so there’s that. Lastly: Mario Lopez is the star of “What I Ate Today.” Since the celebs are usually pin thin actress types, we’ve never seen someone admit to eating so much food in a tabloid magazine! His day began with an Egg McMuffin; and for dinner he went to one of Bobby Flay’s restaurants and had a “monster” seafood platter — Cajun steak with shrimp and crab legs and four sides! He also had four desserts and lots of cocktails… He calls it his “cheat meal.” We call it Friday night.
Grade: F (bad seafood stench)

In Touch
“Can’t A Mom Be Sexy?”
We did not read this story because Kendra fails to interest us. Moving on: Snooki visited Disney World and wore a tiara on rides, which, oddly enough, does interest us (see image 7.) Taylor Swift is “skinnier than ever.” A source says: “She’s never been fat, but as a singer, she never felt the pressure to be rail thin. But now that she wants to be an actress, she is suddenly well aware of her appearance and is dieting.” Angelina and Brad are “finally getting married”! It will happen during their New Year’s vacation, and the kids are the ones pushing for a wedding. Yes, it’s a ridiculous article in which the Jolie-Pitt spawn allegedly worry that their are “different” from other kids’ parents. Maddox allegedly walked into his parents’ bedroom ad found Angie in tears, and asked what was wrong. She said she was just tired. “But Maddox was still troubled.” So “while he, Pax and Brad were having dinner in their New York hotel room,” he suddenly asked Brad, out of the blue, to marry Angelina. “He said he thinks Mommy is sad they’re not married.” So! The wedding will either be in Hungary where Angelina is shooting or in New Orleans, because the kids like shrimp po’ boys. The children want Jack Black to be at the wedding because they like Kung Fu Panda, and pirate enthusiast Shiloh is “campaigning” for Johnny Depp to be there. “She likes his style,” according to a hilarious “insider.” Finally, we present without comment: Baby dolphin! (see image 8.)
Grade: F (mildewy dishrag stink)

Life & Style
“Amber Gives Up Her Baby.”
The thing about Teen Mom gossip is that it’s not fun like celebrity gossip, because stars are seemingly untouchables on pedestals, making it kind of hilarious when they trash a hotel room. But Teen Moms folks are poor people with dependents. Not funny. Also, learning information about Jessica Simpson is mildly interesting, because she would never come over to your house and tell you how she is feeling, whereas if we invited Teen Mom‘s Amber over, we’re pretty sure she’d show up. Anyway: Amber attended a house party on October 29 in her hometown in Indiana, and people were trying to take photos with her. She kept saying, “I can’t take any pictures.” But then Amber “got a couple of drinks in her” and “all of a sudden” she was up for being photographed. So there are four fuzzy snapshot in the mag. In one, the 20-year-old mom is holding a bottle of vodka; in the other she is holding a shot glass. She got drunk, dirty danced, made out with some guy on the dancefloor, and told people she was mixing booze with her meds. Moving on: Justin Bieber has a “secret life” of womanizing. He hooked up with Demi Lovato earlier this year in his dressing room, and also went on a date with Selena Gomez. A story titled “Why Is Angelina Moving The Family To France?” seems to neglect the fact that the family already lived in France. The magazine calls it the “ultimate unpatriotic move,” but then goes on to explain that the Jolie-Pitts like France because they can have kind of a normal life there — privacy, and the ability to go out without getting mobbed by fans. Next: Kate Gosselin’s show Twist Of Kate has been canceled, and Kate Plus 8‘s ratings are in the shitter. Suri Cruise is having a “lost childhood” because she has to eat at expensive restaurants instead of Chuck E. Cheese. She has to use an iPad instead of coloring books! One night in April, she went to see Mamma Mia!, and the show didn’t end until 10:45, waaaaaaay past her bedtime. THE HUMANITY. In an article about David Arquette, which maybe should have been the cover story, Jasmine Waltz, who slept with him twice, grants the mag an interview. She says they went back to his place after a party and “he really wanted it to happen.” He was aggressive and acting like it “was something he had to do.” She says, “It’s wasn’t bad sex, but it wasn’t emotional. It was quick and painless, nothing exciting.” And: “If he did cry, he didn’t do it in front of me. When we were done, he looked and me and said, ‘This is the first time I’ve felt like a man in a very long time.'” Jasmine adds: “Frankly, I feel used.” One sec, we need to reach inside our pocket and find our tiny violin. Lastly: Kate Middleton has lost a “shocking” two dress sizes since 2004. (see image 9)
Grade: D- (toxic aroma of filthy underwear)

Star
“Nannies Tell All!”
Shiloh was playing cowboys and Indians one day, and cut the heads off a bunch of Zahara’s dolls. When one of the nannies found her, she said it was “an unprotected village,” so she had to scalp them. The nanny told Brad, who made Shi apologize to Z. Now that Shiloh has a taxidermy bird, which her mom bought for her, a friend of a nanny says, “Shiloh wants more dead animals to make a zoo. She also told her nannies she wants to see a dead person up close. Brad said absolutely not, but Angelina is all for Shiloh’s morbid curiosity.” The Suri stuff is pretty standard: She flushed diamond earrings down the toilet, she puts makeup on her nannies, and if she wants French toast or cupcakes at 2am, the staff obliges. In Knifestyles, we have Liam Neeson, who may have gotten Botox to make his crow’s feet and the lines in his forehead go away (see image 10). Daniel Craig and Rachel Weisz have been “bonding,” and “their connection threw them for a loop since they were both with other people.” They have snuck off twice for romantic weekends in the mountains, and are talking about spending the holidays together. Lamar Odom is fighting with the mother of his two kids over his “parental access schedule” because he and Khloe Kardashian are planning a reality show all about her trying to get pregnant while being the perfect stepmom. But Lamar’s ex does not want the kids on TV. Plans, meet wrench. Rejoice: Michael Douglas Deathwatch is over! He is no longer dying, according to the mag — he’s gained 10 lbs, is on the road to recovery, and he and Catherine Zeta-Jones will renew their vows. The mag points out that gaining weight has smoothed out some of his wrinkles, which is surely something he’s been worried about. Pictures from inside of Amber Portwood’s house show rotten food in the fridge, junk in the baby’s crib and condom wrappers on the table. Headline: House Of Horrors. Hey, at least she’s learned to use condoms? Finally: Jersey Shore‘s Ronnie has a new love in his life, and her name is Xenadrine Ultra! (see image 11).
Grade: D (scuzzy soiled sock scent)

Us
“Betrayed By Tony.”
Eva Longoria found out that Tony Parker had been texting a mutual female friend for nearly a year — we’re talking hundreds of texts in just one month. There isn’t any specific info about the nature of these texts — were they of a sexual, romantic or sports score nature? It’s unclear. But Eva is “set” to file for divorce. She doesn’t trust him and so on. He’s flown to L.A. twice in one month to beg for her forgiveness, and doesn’t want to end the marriage, but Eva doesn’t know how many other women there are and suspects this isn’t the only one. “She spent the last 7 years of her life flying around the world to support Tony,” says a source. “Now the trust is irreparably broken.” In Kate Gosselin news, the kids are all on probation in school, and Kate threatens them, saying they won’t get into Heaven because Jesus doesn’t love bad people. Ouch. Brad Pitt is an extra in Angelina Jolie’s movie, and he “arrived at 6am and lined up with the other guys like it was normal.” Spoiler: He plays a soldier who is shot to death. Emma Watson on her haircut: “I tool pictures of Mia Farrow to my hairdresser and said, ‘I want to look like this, make it happen.'” Also? She took home her cloak and wand from the set of Harry Potter. Awesome.
Grade: C- (acrid aroma of sour milk)