This Week in Tabloids: Downtrodden Kardashians Plan Mutiny Against Kim

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we scavenge through the pages of Star, Us Weekly, OK!, Life & Style and InTouch. This week: the Kardashians are ousting Kim in a peaceful koup; Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber are getting married; and Mariah Carey is a “fragile fountain of tears.”

I STILL HAVE A WILD SIDE!

OK! has printed an interview with Angelina Jolie. In it, she sounds, as always, very St. Angie-esque — when asked what happened to her “wild side,” she responded, “I’ve adjusted the direction of my energy… I stopped thinking of myself so much, which happened the first time I went to a war-torn country… You wonder how you were ever so blind to think that you had something to complain about, when so many people have so little and are suffering so much.” That will teach YOU to ask Angelina Jolie insipid crap about her past, I guess. Elsewhere in the magazine, an article written by the poet laureate of tabloids proclaims that Mariah Carey is a “fragile fountain of tears.” She is sad about her fraying relationship with Nick Cannon, you see. Describing her recent trip to DisneyWorld, OK!‘s artist-in-residence adds, “Even in The Happiest Place on Earth, Mariah was the picture of misery.” K. Moving on: Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber are not having a wedding and a baby, as the cover alleges, but, you know, the headline was fun and it would be stupid to let a good photo of Selena Gomez touching her stomach go to waste, so they’ve made up a cute lil story about how Biebs and Gomez are having lots of unprotected sex. “It’s a miracle they haven’t conceived three kids by now,” says a source. A TRUE MIRACLE. In other news (the best of the week), Christian Bale allegedly prevented a riot at a Chinese restaurant by doing a Jack Nicholson impression. As the tale goes, customers at ShopHouse in Santa Monica started gnashing their teeth impatiently and on were the verge of erupting into anarchy because the cook was running late, but Bale stepped in and appeased them. “I would have never pictured him doing something like this to calm a crowd,” said a grateful onlooker. Same.

GRADE: D (a fly sitting atop carrion and rubbing its horrible little fly legs together conspiratorially)

TWO BABIES!

Both Kate Middleton and Kim Kardashian are pregnant, says Star. Kate Middleton is officially pregnant, having announced earlier this week that she’s expecting a child, whereas Kim is probably fake-pregnant as usual. According to an “insider,” Kate and William texted 30 of their friends announcing the pregnancy and “even attached a stork smiley.” WHAT IS A STORK SMILEY? Do the royals have emojis that we peasants are forbidden from using? Definitely burying the lede here. As for Kim’s baby, we can ascertain that she’s pregnant because she’s “glowing” and talking less about wanting to get pregnant. As we all know, the only way to get a woman to stop talking about how she wants to have a baby is to impregnate her. Obviously. Anyway, Kim is reportedly very excited to have another baby born at the same time as a Royal Baby because she and Kanye are American royalty. Hoorah. In other news, Douglas Booth wants to date Miley Cyrus, but she will not settle down because she is still nursing her broken heart. This story is noteworthy only because it allows me to remind everyone of the seminal film LOL, in which Miley and Douglas Booth were co-stars. In LOL, Miley Cyrus plays Demi Moore’s daughter, and the entire plot is essentially her updating her Facebook status. It was criminally snubbed at the 2012 Oscars. This magazine, as usual, contains nothing but boring drivel — elsewhere, there’s a story about Brad and Angie’s prenup. They are being fair to each other and protecting the children, says a source. Cool, sounds great.

GRADE: D- (a raccoon digging through the dumpster behind a Red Lobster. The dumpster is filled with warm clam chowder.)

3 BABIES ON THE WAY!

Damn, Star, InTouch out baby-invented you: while the former only made up that Kim Kardashian was pregnant, the latter also threw a Jessica Simpson fake-pregnancy in the mix. A bold move. Anyway, Kate Middleton is pregnant, as we all know; Kim Kardashian is pregnant, too, says the magazine, taking the opportunity to point out that Kim may gain weight as a result of growing another human life in her uterus. Which is why she wears bustiers all the time now, you know, because “she wants to remind the world how good she can look before she can pack on the pounds again.” A truly disgusting sentence! And the gross sentiment carries over to the Jessica Simpson story: Jessica Simpson has already gained 10 pounds, says inTouch, but she is “obsessed with keeping the weight off.” Goodnight world. Moving on: Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth met up at her LA home to talk things over or whatever. The passion is still there, reportedly, but he needs her “to prove that she’s marriage material before he can open his heart again.” Not mentioned is the possibility that he needs to prove himself as a pure-hearted man to the stack of bongs in her closet, which I’m sure must have come up. Finally, Kristen Stewart is mad because Robert Pattinson is dating FKA Twigs now okay sure whatever. And, in the most shocking news of the week, InTouch overlooked my stunning entry for their weekly pet celebrity doppelgänger contest, instead choosing a stupid dog that does not even look like Hilary Duff when last week I sent in a photo of my bunny who looks exactly like Gandalf. For shame.

GRADE: F (a pigeon throwing up a cigarette butt in the mouth of another pigeon)

A FAREWELL TO JOAN

Most of this issue is a surprisingly touching tribute to Joan Rivers: her funeral is described in detail as funny and poignant, and the article goes on to outline her many achievements. Melissa Rivers told Us, “My mother’s greatest joy in live was to make people laugh. I know her final wish would be that we return to laughing soon.” The rest of the magazine is mostly devoted to fall television previews, with a bit of gossip we’ve all heard before sprinkled throughout: Carrie Underwood is pregnant, as is Kristen Bell; Amal Alamuddin and George Clooney are getting married in Venice (although it is RUMORED that they’ll have the first ceremony in London); and, in kinda new news, Khloe Kardashian dumped French Montana for being too clingy. Also, I don’t know if you’ve heard this already, but Kate Middleton is pregnant!!!!! With a Royal Baby!!!!!

GRADE: B- (hyenas picking at the remains of Mufasa)

YOU’RE NOT OUR SISTER ANYMORE

Kim Kardashian faces ostracization from the Kardashian Klan, who are tired of suffering under her cruel regime (or something). This is what it’s like to live under Overlord Kim, according to an insider: she is very critical of everyone; she and Kanye have come up with “style rules” that the family must follow at all times; she will not share her hair and makeup people with her siblings. Thus, her family members are striking back, and how: Kylie Jenner and Bruce Jenner refused to change their hair for her wedding (so brave) and Khloe showed up to Kim’s dress fitting hung over (fuck the man!!!). Next: the magazine brings up Mariah Carey’s past mental health issues in a remarkably tacky attempt to create a salacious story (Nick Cannon “could bring up her past nervous breakdown” in a divorce proceeding — could being the operative word here because it most likely will not happen). It is gross. Next: Jennifer Aniston is scared that Justin Theroux will cheat on her and I literally started yawning uncontrollably from typing that sentence. In other news, Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are going to get married because one time he took her to a Tim Horton’s in Canada, a well-known Canadian pre-nuptial ritual, and once they are married they will produce a tiny lil’ Bieber-Gomez spawn, probably. Finally, Miley Cyrus is delusional about Liam Hemsworth and thinks they will get back together. All the Miley and Liam word-trash that’s floated to the surface of the collective unconscious this week appears to have arisen from an interview Miley did last week, in which she said, “I love Liam and Liam loves me.” That’s, like, not a weird sentiment to share about someone you used to be engaged to. Maybe she is too busy gluing weed scraps to vibrators to care about boys! Why does no one ever bring that possibility up?

GRADE: F (you drunkenly eating your roommate’s old Hot Pocket out of the trash in front of a gentleman caller)