Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which Margaret and I fall down the celebrity tabloid rabbit hole. This week we learned about Lindsay’s reality show, Taylor & Jake’s true romance, and Britney’s domestic violence and abortion news.
Life & Style
“I’m Having A Baby!”
The story here sets up the idea that Jessica Simpson is pregnant, noting that she wore a “flowy, figure-concealing” T-shirt, vomited backstage at The Early Show and complained of an “uncontrollable bladder” on Jimmy Fallon’s program. Plus, she “gave into her cravings” the night before Thanksgiving “by devouring everything from the starter bread to the chocolate soufflé dessert.” But wait! At this dinner, she also knocked back three or four drinks. So Jessica Simpson is not pregnant. Still, she said: “There are no babies yet. But I definitely see myself having a family with Eric, so that’s exciting to think about.” The cover line should have read “I’m Having A Baby Sometime In The Next 50 Years.” Moving right along: Snooki had a big birthday party last week, and although Ronnie, The Situation, Sammi, Vinny and Pauly D were all invited, none of them showed up. Only J-Woww represented. You can always count on J-Woww. She is so loyal. Jennifer Aniston wore bikinis while on vacation in Mexico, and the mag finds her ass impressive (see image 7). (Note how the cover claimed she “bares all,” leading us to think she was naked?) LOL headline of the day: “Prince William Is A Groomzilla.” While shooting pictures on the set of Angelina’s film in Budapest, Brad Pitt’s camera was stolen! He put his Leica S2 down to grab one of his other four cameras, and someone walked off with it! The camera was worth $25,000 — and Brad hadn’t had a chance to upload images to his computer. (Think he had any “private” snaps of Angie?) Last, but certainly not least, “Ke$ha’s 15 Secrets” include: “I eat men.” The fashion item she can’t live without? “Glitter diapers.” Also: “I can hold my breath underwater without using my hand, like an aquatic animal.” Trying too hard, or hardly trying? You be the judge. (see image 8).
Grade: F – (off with their heads)
Ok!
“Twilight Baby!”
Inside you’ll find six pages of Twilight-oriented photos — stills from the first two movies, magazine covers starring Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, and an actual quote from KStew about filming the pregnancy stuff for Breaking Dawn: “Bella does change a lot. She becomes such a mother.” Please note that the cover brags that this “Collector’s Edition Yearbook” will be “on sale for one week only” — which is how long Ok! is usually on stands. Bonus! A police artist created a digital portrait of what the hypothetical daughter of Kristen and Rob/Bella and Edward would look like (see image 9). She’s cute! She looks like she has her own show on Disney. In a good way. Last, but not least: A sketch of what Princess Diana’s wedding dress designer would create for Kate Middleton IF asked — upon which Kate’s head has been Photoshopped (see image 10).
Grade: D- (mock turtle soup)
In Touch
“Tormented By Kim.”
Kim Kardashian went out with Halle Berry’s ex, Gabriel Aubry, a couple of times, and Halle is “worried” that Gabriel will talk about his relationship with her on camera. Halle is really private, and she doesn’t want her business — or her daughter — part of any Kardashian reality show. In Lindsay Lohan news, she is “reaching out” to Oprah, who is “Lindsay’s new mother figure and role model.” Makes sense, since her mom is White Oprah. Lindsay has been talking to people from OWN, Oprah’s network, about filming a reality show that would start shooting in January. Apparently Lindsay is upset with her mom for doing an interview with Matt Lauer — it seems Lindsay and the Betty Ford people asked Dina not to do any interviews, and she went on the Today show anyway. A friend says Lindsay is actually closer to her father Michael Lohan right now, if you can believe that. The tables have turned! “Stars Battle Cellulite At Every Age” is a four-page, photo-driven piece which features celebs suffering from “lumps and bumps.” Lady Gaga, Kate Hudson, Britney Spears and Katy Perry get their thighs examined. Sigh. Finally: LeAnn Rimes was spotted checking out pregnancy tests at Rite Aid while wearing a hat and sunglasses.
Grade: D (advice from a caterpillar)