This Week In Tabloids: Both Katy Perry & Jen Garner's Marriages Are Totally Falling Apart

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we pick at the plates full of gossip served up by Ok!, In Touch, Star, Us and Life & Style. Today, the kids from Teen Mom want more babies; Kim Kardashian is experiencing “wedding panic”; Russell Brand and Katy Perry are living separate lives; and Jennifer Garner had no idea Ben Affleck was boozing and gambling behind her back until that pesky poker ring scandal hit the news.

Ok!
“Even More Babies!”
Teen Mom shockers: Maci wants another baby. Leah has started dating a guy who is also a young dad. Farrah wants another baby (someday). Amber’s baby is forgetting Amber, and sometimes calls Gary’s mom or girlfriend “Mommy.” Blah blah blah. Moving on: Rachel Zoe’s kid rocks round sunglasses like his mom (see Fig. 1). Brad Pitt has been “caught flirting” with another woman, and by “flirting” they mean she briefly touched his arm in public. But since Brad and Angelina haven’t discussed their marriage plans “in weeks,” they’re on the rocks. The mag claims that Angelina is to blame for the relationship being strained, since “she’s always rushing off to do something more important,” like shooting a Louis Vuitton ad or traveling as a UN Goodwill ambassador. How dare a woman have responsibilities outside of the home? Also: Angelina doesn’t feel sexy anymore, because she’s aged, lost weight and lost her big boobs. Next: The cover promises a “first look” at Kim Kardashian’s wedding dress, but what you get is not a picture or even a drawing from Vera Wang or Kim. Instead, bridal designer Kelly Faetanini sketched a dress that could look like what Kim will wear, based on other dresses Kim has said she loves. Meanwhile, the cover also claims that Kourtney is “pregnant before the wedding,” but inside, you find out that she and Scott “American Psycho” Disick are ready for a second child. And! Kendra is not pregnant but feels like “it’s the natural time” for another kid. Lastly, when Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez were shopping at Armani Exchange in New York City, “several witnesses heard them say ‘I love you’ multiple times!”
Grade: F (fish bones)

Life & Style
“Kim’s Wedding Panic.”
Ms. Kardashian should be “reveling in the curtains of creamy taffeta, lace and sating like most brides-to-be.” Instead, “all she [can] hear is a ticking clock.” ZOMG. Did she rush into having a wedding too soon? “Will she be able to pull off the wedding of her dreams on such a tight deadline?” This is a crisis of epic proportions. Not only is she having fittings with Vera Wang, she is having hair trials at two different salons and a “test brow shaping” as well. Plus, she is “pushing herself to lose 15 pounds” before the big day. She wants to lose the weight in a month, but she’s stress eating! Run around in circles, tearing your hair out, guys, this is really catastrophic. Also inside: An article under the heading “Love News” begins thusly:

Over the years, there have been romances — both real and mythic — that were simply meant to be. Edward and Bella, JFK and Jackie, Romeo and Juliet. And lately, it seemed like another couple were poised to join the list: Prince Harry and Pippa Middleton.

The piece continues: “What’s keeping these star-crossed lovers apart? In a word: Kate.” Yes, Kate was “strongly opposed” to the idea of Pippa dating Harry, since she loves her sister and thinks Harry’s a playboy. So she whipped up a plan for Pippa to get her ex, Alex Loudon back: Show him what he’s missing. Pippa did just that. She went on vacay with that dude George Percy, was photographed looking gorgeous and happy, and blam: Now she’s back with Alex. Next: “After a rough patch, Katy Perry and Russell Brand reaffirm their love with a new $6.5 million mansion.” Nothing says “I adore you” like a 1925 Mediterranean house in the Hollywood Hills. Justin Timberlake is back with Jessica Biel. He saw pictures of her on the back of Gerard Butler’s motorcycle, which was a “wake-up call,” making him realize Jess “could and would find love somewhere else.” An insider says that Justin found out being single sucks: “Now that he’s had a taste of freedom, he’s really not liking the flavor.” No cunnilingus jokes, please. Finally, Paris Hilton is a sad old lonely spinster cat lady in a story called “I Thought I’d Be Married By Now.” (See Fig. 2) That kitten is definitely hatching an escape plan.
Grade: D- (melon rinds)

In Touch
“Teen Mom Ruined Our Lives.”
Farrah’s life is ruined because Teen Mom made her “obsessed” with her body. She works out like crazy and tweets about her strange diet — popcorn with soy sauce? Leah’s life is ruined because she might be anorexic and is “living on cigarettes.” Another life is ruined because “fame and greed turned once-sweet Amber Portwood into a train wreck.” Maci “lost her identity” and Catelynn “had to grow up fast.” Moving on: The story titled “Jen’s Nightmare: Angelina Wants Her Man!” has a deck which reads: “Angelina Jolie wasn’t content stealing Jennifer Aniston’s husband — now she’s set her evil eyes on Justin Theroux!” Allegedly, Angie is trying to set up a project in which she and Justin would work together. Harlot. Still, the mag questions, “Made For Each Other?” since Angie and Justin both like motorcycles, tattoos and collecting strange things. A four-page story called “They Lost Weight… But Not Their Cellulite” involves pictures of stars like Kirstie Alley, Jennifer Hudson, Mischa Barton and Kourtney Kardashian, with yellow arrows pointing at the dimples in their legs. And that’s not all! There’s a sidebar called “NO ONE IS SAFE!” pointing out cellulite on athletes and models, who are “victims” of this harrowing condition. (See Fig. 3) Prince Harry and Chelsy Davy are “exes with benefits.” He plans on visiting South Africa later this year, where he’ll meet up with her in Cape Town and they’ll spend a couple of weeks traveling together. Justin Timberlake is back with Scarlett Johansson. And, thanks to a handy chart, we discover the truth: “They’ve dated EVERYONE.” (See Fig. 4) Lastly, Reese Witherspoon and new husband Jim Toth both want a baby, says a source, “but instead of trying IVF, they’ve turned to God.”
Grade: D (bread crumbs)

Star
“Marriages Explode!”
Katy Perry and Russell Brand are living separate lives. She is touring, he is filming a movie, and the marriage “may not last a year.” Russell was spotted “holding hands with a mystery blonde,” but in the photos, you see that he is in costume on the set of Rock Of Ages, and woman is just kind of holding his arm, and the mag clarifies that the lady is a stylist on the film. Still, a source claims Russell is “a recovering addict in love with the idea of love” who talked Katy into getting hitched. But Katy had a “crisis talk” with him recently, and informed him that they “can’t base a marriage on three days here and there.” Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner’s “marriage blowup” stems from the fact that she had no idea he was boozing and gambling millions of dollars behind her back. Ben’s telling friends Jen’s “busting his balls” about the Hollywood poker ring scandal, because she had no idea he was playing cards and drinking again. A “card shark” says: “As we gambled, [Ben] would joke with us that he’d told Jen he was going to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.” And: “He’d say, ‘I’ve got to get home to the wife before she figures out where I am.'” Ben checked into rehab in 2001, and when he married Jen in 2005, he insisted he was sober and had given up gambling. Sigh. In other men-are-assholes-news, Ashton Kutcher had a “late night rendez-vous” with a 19-year-old nude model named Austin Dawn. She insists that she and Ashton are “merely pals who are working together on his new social media venture.” But social means sucking and media means genitalia, right? Also inside: Cameon Diaz wants a diamond from A-Rod, but he thinks she’s too clingy. Aubry from 16 And Pregnant says she doesn’t do drugs, but there is a picture of her in a raver outfit holding a glass pipe “often used for marijuana smoking.” The dudes on True Blood are “acting like spoiled teenage girls” because they each want to be the star of the show with the best dialogue, the best story lines and the most camera time. It’s especially competitive between Ryan Kwanten (Jason) and Alex Skarsgard (Eric), says a source, so obviously the only way to resolve anything is with a shirtless dance off. Lastly: The price tag for Kim Kardashian’s wedding was supposed to be around $10 million, but it’s expected to top $20 million, with at least 1,000 invited guests and a dress embroidered with diamonds, and a “magnificent” train.
Grade: C+ (juicy meat scraps)

Us
“Secrets Of The Royal Visit.”
Finally, news we can use: What’s in Kate’s clutch? “Kate keeps the contents of her day-to-day bag simple: blotting paper, lip balm, a compact and a handkerchief.” She’s also seldom without her camera. After Prince William spoke French in front of a crowd in Canada, Kate whispered, “you were great.” She’s been doing her own makeup the entire trip, though she does get up earlier than William to get her hair done. This weekend, the Duke and Duchess will be in California, where they will mingle with Orlando Bloom, Zoe Saldana, Jennifer Lopez, Marc Anthony and, um, Cat Deely. Pippa is “very happy” to be back with her ex, and Prince Harry is hooking up with a model. Moving on: Justin Timberlake is back with Jessica Biel. Teen Mom‘s Maci says: “I’m dying to have Kyle’s child!” And: “I’m just like, ‘Oh, my God, let’s have a baby! I want to see my child and your child.'” And: “I really want to have a girl. The clothes are so much cuter.” Because a baby is just a thing you dress and not something you have to raise to be an upright empowered citizen of the world! Teen Mom‘s Farrah, who dreams of opening a restaurant and publishing a cookbook, is soooooo glad she got implants. “My boobs are perfect,” she says. And they’ll totally help with those culinary dreams! Last, but not least, a quote from Jennifer Aniston: “I think being older, you get more comfortable in your body and skin. You have more of a ‘fuck it’ attitude. That’s freedom.” And so say we all. Amen.
Grade: B- (cheese)

Addendum

Fig. 1, from Ok!

Fig. 2, from Life & Style

Fig. 3, from In Touch

Fig. 4, from In Touch