This Week in Tabloids: Beyoncé and Jay Z's Marriage Is in Crisis
CelebritiesWelcome back to Midweek Madness, in which Callie Beusman assists as we attempt to shine a light into the filthy, dark crevices of In Touch, Ok!, Life & Style, Us and Star. This week: Jennifer Aniston’s haircut sends a secret message; Noah and Allie from The Notebook might be back on; and Bey and Jay have serious issues. Jigga what?
Ok!
PREGNANT & ALONE
First it’s important to recognize that this image was taken in 2009 on the set of The Bounty Hunter. Intentionally tricking readers into believing this is a recent photo of Jennifer Aniston wandering around sobbing because she’s knocked up and single is the Ok! way. Inside, the copy clarifies that “many believe she’s expecting a child.” “Many” being the many editors of this mag. Since Justin is in New York shooting an HBO series and Aniston is in L.A., she is “desperately lonely.” AS USUAL. A sidebar on this story informs us that Jen got her upper ear cartilage pierced in an effort to be edgy like Justin. Same old shit. Kardashian update: Kourtney is pregnant with baby number three, according to an arrow pointing to a flat part of her midsection and text that screams “showing already!” (Fig. 1) Finally, in news from 2007, Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling might get back together now that he’s broken up with Eva Mendes and she’s not with Michael Sheen; a source who must be the NSA says they talk and message each other all the time. Quick, someone greenlight Notebook 2: Cry Harder.
Grade: F (toilet stopped up with diarrhea and used tampons)
Life & Style
WORLD EXCLUSIVE: THEY’RE GETTING MARRIED?
Wow, the editors definitely got their hands on this WORLD EXCLUSIVE story by making it up: Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are talking marriage! The fake stories are the best because they always have the most artistic details: “The Viceroy Palm Springs’ pool glistened in the late October sun — but it was no match for the sparkle in the eyes of the couple [Robsten] kissing along its edge” is a real sentence. Also: “Little did Rob know his first gift to Kristen — the book Doomed Love by Virgil — would come back to haunt him.” Amazing! Lovely! Very, very untrue! Fortunately Kristen and Rob got married in a movie so the magazine can include a picture of that and speculate about nonexistent wedding plans (Fig 2). Moving on: the magazine wanted to run a story about Kate Middleton looking old without seeming malicious, so they annotated a picture of her face with quotes from Daily Mail comments. Very smooth. (Fig. 3) In other news, we finally get to the bottom of Jennifer Aniston’s “Extreme Makeover” (she cut like 5 inches off of her hair). It means that she’s never going to get married, duh. One can read Aniston-hair like tea leaves: long = “I’m in love.” Short = “PREGNANT & ALONE.”
Grade: F (sink clogged with curdled milk and slimy raw chicken fat)
In Touch
WEDDING ON HOLD!
Kim and Kanye are miserable because they can’t agree on their wedding, blah blah whatever. Kanye wants it to be a huge event; Kim is worried that she’ll be criticized if the wedding is too ostentatious. Kanye is probably going to make Kim wear an ugly conceptual wedding dress. How many times do we have to hear this very dull tale? Moving on: Has Miley Cyrus Gone Too Far? In Touch takes Miley’s obvious pot-smokin’ bait and waxes alarmist. On the plus side, we learn that Miley’s staff freaked out after she lit a joint on stage and she responded by offering them a joint. That’s nice. In terrible, depressing, horrifying news, Denise Richards says she can no longer care for Charlie Sheen’s 4-year-old twins, whom he had with his ex-wife Brooke Mueller. According to sources, the boys are too violent with her other children; the magazine speculates that Brooke has hit them in the past. Really, really terrible. On a far lighter note: Britney Spears may have had a fling with Robin Thicke in 2003, when she was at the top of her game and he was still wearing a Jesus wig as hair. And we quickly traipse back into the realm of terrible: in a spread titled “Did They Get Boob Jobs?” the editors wonder whether Kylie Jenner — WHO IS 16 YEARS OLD — has gotten plastic surgery on her breasts. (Fig. 4) OH GOD YOU PEOPLE ARE THE WORST.
Grade: F (dead mice blocking up heating vent)
Star
TOM’S $50 MILLION LAWSUIT: SECRETS & LIES!
Tom Cruise is suing In Touch for running a cover story about how he abandoned Suri; during a videotaped deposition that was part of the suit, he admitted that he went 110 days without seeing her after he divorced Katie Holmes. Whose fault is it? Tom’s? Katie’s? Scientology’s? Literally no one knows. Ho hum. Moving on: Jessica Simpson maybe doesn’t want to marry her boyfriend and father of her children Eric Johnson. One of her friends says that he’s neither accomplished or exciting. Poor Eric Johnson. But also, yaaaawn. In other news, Khloe Kardashian is selling her House of Heartbreak, says a source. Khloe Kardashian is not selling her house, says Khloe Kardashian. In the process of explicating this, the magazine blames her infertility for everything bad that’s ever happened to her and Lamar — including, by extension, his drug problems. Star, you old garbage-heap, you. Next: Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s marriage is in crisis. If you’re anything like me, you bellowed “WHAT THE FUCK!” at your desk after reading this sentence. According to a Beyonce insider, Bey thinks it’s “selfish” that her husband scheduled a tour without consulting her or trying to coordinate dates, and she feels “like a single mother.” A source says Queen B hates that Jay goes clubbing so often and “thinks he uses touring as an excuse to go out practically every night.” Pretty sure the source on this is someone looking at Instagram photos and thinking negative thoughts. Seeing as Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s love is the only constant in this world of chaos and decay, let us join together in prayer and hope that this story isn’t true.
Grade: D- (tub drain full of hair)
Us
25 LBS IN 3 MONTHS
So 25 pounds is an estimate, but Miranda Lambert has lost some weight, and you will never guess her secret: Portion control and exercise. ZOMG insane. She decided to “ditch her beloved Cheetos — but not her favorite cocktails! — and commit to regular sessions with a personal trainer.” Miranda says: “I feel my best when I’m a toned, not flabby size 8,” but she refuses to give up drinking. Her low-calorie cocktail sounds possibly vile? It’s Bacardi rum, raspberry-lemonade flavored Crystal Light and a splash of Sprite Zero. Something she calls a “Mirandarita.” Ouch. Headache just thinking about it. Also inside: A super-scientific highly analytic in-depth survey titled “Cuter With a Pixie Cut?” (Fig. 5) Then there’s a piece on Duchess Kate called “Her Bad Hair Day” — an entire article about the five goddamn strands of grey hair that rocked the planet. Next, a little insider info: When Julianne Hough showed up at that Halloween party in that blackface makeup, Isla Fisher was there and was “mortified” and told Julianne to go to the bathroom and wipe her face off. Thank goddess someone was concerned. In the obligatory Kardashian update, Khloe and Lamar are going to couples therapy; he is clean and has gained 20 pounds, according to a source — here’s hoping it’s true. Finally, yet again we’re reading about how Denise Richards has given up caring for Charlie Sheen’s 4-year-old twin sons, Max and Bob. Apparently the brothers have severe behavioral issues — they threw tantrums and got very violent with Richards’ kids. Neither Sheen nor the kids’ mom, Brooke Mueller, are fit to have sole custody, it seems, and the kids are on their third guardian in six months. Sad.
Grade: C+ (roaches in silverware drawer)
Addendum
Fig. 1, from Ok!
Fig. 2, from Life & Style
Fig. 3, from Life & Style
Fig. 4, from In Touch
Fig. 5, from Us