This Week in Tabloids: Bachelor Chris is a Dancing, Cheating Liar

By Ellie Shechet | March 11, 2015 | 8:50pm

Celebrities

Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we hold hands and jump into the pit of an active volcano, a single, unified shriek that sounds a lot like “KYLIE GOT FILLERS” filling the smoky air as our ecstatic bodies evanesce into the molten goo.

This week: Joe Giudice is screwin’ around on Teresa; Bachelor Chris and his baby bride are already kaput; Kylie Jenner is “hot now” and fully determined to beat her sisters Kardashian at social media, life; and Julia Roberts’ marriage is “falling apart.” Let’s go!

inTouch

JOE CAUGHT CHEATING ON TERESA

God, isn’t prison such a bummer? Especially for Teresa Giudice, who is working out eight times a day to cope with the fact that her mouth-breathing meatball of a husband is probably cheating on her. And he is cheating on her, but listen, the connection between Big Joe and some blonde chick is so much more than just two scary-looking halfwits with light mafia ties ramming each other in a “high rollers suite” in Atlantic City: “He said he ‘loved her tits,'” reminisces an insider, misty-eyed at the romance of it all.

Scott Disick, America’s dad, has “fled” rehab for the 90th time after only a few days—but not before trying an experimental therapy drug that produces LSD-like hallucinations and is banned in the U.S. Experts agree that it’s a pretty harmless treatment option with no known downsides: “Some people have committed suicide while taking it, while others reported that their cravings for illicit drugs and alcohol disappeared.” Like what is the big deal. Somewhat related: Tori Spelling is in the hospital again, ugh, why is she so obsessed with the hospital, there are way cooler places to hang out! Anyway, she’s in withdrawal from the “powerful cocktail of prescription drugs” she uses to “help her cope with migraines brought on by stress and her crumbling eight-year marriage to Dean McDermott.” So lame Tori haha u should ditch the IV drip or whatever and come out w us to Nobu tonight!!!!

The word on Kim Kardashian’s “krazy” new blonde look: “Kanye made her do it!” AND SHE IS HUMILIATED. An insider has informed inTouch that Kim “was being as fake as her hair color” when she “raved” about the new ‘do: “It wasn’t really her choice—and she doesn’t like it at all.” This item seems dubious, since I have it on good authority that Kanye has been keeping Kim in a locked room between the Paris shows. Pretty sure padded walls can’t talk! And lastly, Christina Aguilera was a “diva” on the set of Nashville, insisting on her own private chef: “All Christina did was order taco bell and eat canned chili,” says an insider. “The chef had no idea why he was even there.”

Grade: B- (You spilled canned chili on your Balmain bodysuit and Kanye is gonna be so pissed)

Life & Style

CHRIS & WHITNEY OVER ALREADY!

Yes, it’s true: although it seemed like Bachelor “winner” Whitney, the hyper-talkative baby with a heart of gold, was the perfect match for Chris, a mute dolphin-Republican hybrid with poor taste in facial hair, their fairytale romance is dunzo. “She thought he wanted to live a quiet, simple farm life,” but Farmer Chris has tasted celebrity so fuck that, he’s doing Dancing With The Stars! Also, “Whitney was horrified to learn that he’d betrayed her in the worst way possible—by sleeping with Kaitlyn Bristowe, her best friend on The Bachelor.” …oh, you mean, on their televised fantasy suite date? Ugh, shut up Life & Style! True Bachelor fans know that it would take much more than a little ABC-condoned polyamory to shake off this scrappy fertility nurse, and also, there is no way Kaitlyn did much more than give Chris a half-hearted Canadian handjob and roll over with a muttered “peace oot.” Whit & Chris are going to die in each other’s arms [from cholera prob because there’s nowhere to get vaccinated in Arlington] and everybody needs to just let them meet that dark fate in peace!

Beyoncé and Kim Kardashian, two warring starships in this galaxy called lyfe, have “bonded over a common enemy: Rihanna.” Rihanna, who will “hook up with any man to advance her career” HAHAHAHAHA. Beyoncé has “battled rumors” for years that RiRi and Jay Z were “too close,” and now Kim is all “wait, Beyoncé, Beyoncé, BEYONCÉ, Beyoncé, B, hey girl, Beyoncé, ‘yonce, hey why are you ignoring me, I didn’t forget your accent mark this time, omg haha this isn’t funny, Beyoncé, LISTEN TO ME I’M JEALOUS OF RIHANNA 2 NOW!!!!” because Rihanna and Kanye are about to launch a world tour and who wouldn’t want Kanye, honestly, really?

Woman’s Pregnancy Terrifies the World: Kate Middleton is still doing stuff with that thing inside her and enough is enough, man: “When Kate was pregnant with George, it was hardly a stroll through Hyde Park” but this time, “it’s even worse”—and that is not helped by the fact that Kate “has kept up a punishing schedule, under both pressure from the unforgiving queen and her own sense of duty.” Go to bed, you psycho! And in other news: Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott are broke as hell and Candy’s paying their bills now, but nothing comes without a price; Khloé Kardashian is “ignoring the haters” and/or literally everyone else and she and kind-of-ex-husband Lamar Odom are “definitely hooking up again.”

Grade: A- (A stroll through Hyde Park, you’re pretty sure you aren’t pregnant)

OK!

KYLIE: “I’M THE HOT ONE NOW!”

Kylie Jenner “loves the way she looks now, and she wants to show it off at every opportunity.” Twitter, Vine, Instagram, Plinstagram, Twattsapp, Derpchat, Snapstaface, ScreamTime, Killme, Grindr, she’s all over those apps and social medias! “She’s been hounding her mother about plastic surgery from a very early age,” and Kris was like, whatever babe, obviously, yes, please do! A Kardashian Insider Warns: “Move over, Kendall and Kim; Kylie’s coming through. She’s younger and now says she’s prettier and more determined than any of them.” Aww!

MISCELLANY: LeAnn Rimes’ sad ex Dean Sheremet, who “only wants what’s best for LeAnn” and “broke his silence to show his support in her time of need,” would have it be known that “the dumbest thing she did for her career is divorce me.” Chris Brown‘s surprise daughter is rumored to be named “Royalty”; Britney Spears is “obsessed” with Botox and it’s “actually quite sad”; Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson are asking for “at least $20 million each, plus a percentage of the back end” for the next 50 Shades movie, and everybody is like, *shrug* yeah honestly you guys deserve that, fingers crossed and heartfelt condolences.

Grade: F- (Watching Dean Sheremet eat dinner alone at an IHOP)

Star

JULIA DUMPED BY DANNY!

Okay, all day I have been reading this as “JULIA JUMPED BY DANNY,” which I felt was very misleading. And what is this, the nineties, where are the Kardashians?? LOL JK this is the best Wednesday of my life. Here’s the durt: “With tears streaming down her makeup-free face, Julia Roberts sat sobbing on a Los Angeles sidewalk [on the set of her new film] on Feb. 17. Despite her husband, Danny Moder, standing just feet away [because he’s not an actor and had to stay out of frame], the distraught actress was consoled instead by her The Secret in Their Eyes costar Chiwetel Ejiofor [because they were filming a scene where her character was crying].” This is not acting, though!!! “Friends say she’s been crying nonstop lately, because her marriage is falling apart!” And her marriage is falling apart because Julia is “controlling” and “sabotaged Danny’s career” so now he has to play “Mr. Mom” and he is “unfulfilled” and I am “dying.”

Love is dead, I think! Matthew McConaughey and Camila Alves have been “fighting nonstop over his hectic work schedule.” Basically, he hates being married because “Matthew lived the life of a carefree, wandering dude for so long,” makes so much sense, and “taking so many jobs gives him that alone time back.” Lauren Conrad, who married William Tell 6 months ago, “has quickly grown bored with married life.” I mean, not surprising, being married to a 600-year-old Swiss folk hero can’t be that much fun. “All he wants to do is stay home and nest, and she’s sick of it,” which is just so typical LC, that wild stallion!

Grade: D- (Getting robbed at gunpoint by Danny Moder)

Addendum:

Fig. 1, Life & Style

Fig. 2, inTouch

Fig. 3, inTouch

Fig. 4, Life & Style [do you think this is a shout out, or..]

Fig. 5, OK!

Fig. 6, Life & Style

Fig. 7, OK!

Fig. 8, inTouch