This Week In Tabloids: Ashton & Demi's Divorce Dramz

By Dodai Stewart | September 28, 2011 | 7:04pm

Celebrities

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we hit the newsstands, buy the tabloids, and “read” them, so you don’t “have” to. We search for delicious kernels of truth in the grain fields of gossip! This week, Sandra Bullock is “scary skinny”; Jessica Simpson is pregnant with that unemployed dude’s spawn; LeAnn Rimes is showing off both clavicle and sternum; and Ashton Kutcher got drunk and fucked a random blonde, so now his marriage is over.

Ok!
“It’s Baby Time!”
An unnamed source claims Kim Kardashian’s period is late, so she could be pregnant. This unnamed source could very well be the drawer where she keeps her tampons. Other signs she might be gestating: Kris put his hand on her belly. Kim wasn’t as skinny as she could have been for her wedding. She’s off of Botox, and she doesn’t use artificial sweetener anymore. And! She wore loose, high-waisted pants and touched her own tummy. If that doesn’t make you pregnant, nothing will. Moving on: Jennifer Aniston has “finally met a guy who’s better than Brad,” and plans to marry Justin Theroux in Cabo. She will wear a timeless, classic, ivory or off-white gown. She and Justin will write their own vows, according to a “friend,” and they will be “nonreligious, but somewhat spiritual and Buddhist-like.” This makes me think of Yoda. Marry you, I will. Lastly, a piece titled ” How Much Stars Really Work Out” informs us that Kim Kardashian meets with a personal trainer and later does Pilates, meaning she works out twice a day, seven days a week. Gwyneth Paltrow does an hour and a half, five days a week, unless she is prepping for something or has been eating a lot of pie, in which case she does more. Jennifer Aniston does 22 minutes of cardio before an hour of yoga, every day. And you know what? It’s exhausting reading about all this physical exertion.
Grade: F (barley)

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Life & Style
“Obsessed With Being Skinny”
Apparently Sandra Bullock is “stressed-out” and “can’t stop losing weight.” She has suffered a “radical transformation” and is “scary thin.” Her “chest bones are showing,” and her “face is gaunt” and her arms are “veiny and too muscular.” A nutritional therapist who does not treat her says she has “almost no fat on her body.” Just in case you haven’t gotten the point, there’s text on a picture of Sandy which reads, “a newly bony body.” This is not only because she went through an icky divorce, but because Ryan Reynolds has “moved on” and Sandra “has no outlet for the loneliness she’s feeling.” B-b-but what about her adorably scowly side-eye-slinging son? Also “Desperate To Be Skinny” are Julie Bowen, Kendra, LeAnn Rimes and Demi Moore, who is “starving to keep her man.” See, if you’re hungry all the time, your husband won’t leave you. True facts. The best part about it all is the arrow pointing to LeAnn’s sternum with the words “bony clavicle.” Anatomy fail. (See Fig. 1) Also inside: Mariah Carey is putting in long hours on the treadmill, to “get her body back” — it has been missing, it seems — and Nick Cannon says: “She’s going to come out looking better — like it’s 1990!” What you’re saying is, she looked better before you met her? Finally, Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian are on the rocks because she is super busy and he is super busy getting wasted. Also, Kris’s parents don’t like the Kardashians. William Humphries says: “We aren’t used to all this. You start having a conversation with someone and don’t realize they’re wearing a mic.”
Grade: D- (bulgur)

In Touch
“A Ring For Jen!”
J’Anthrax are getting married, you guys, but first Justin has to propose! He took Jen shopping for a motorcycle helmet, because he wants to take her on a bike trip to Santa Barbara and pop the question on the beach. The mag asks, “But how does a hipster like Justin ask a woman to be his fiancée?” Yes, how do hipsters express emotion? Please, tell us! Well, Justin plans to bring a bottle of wine and Jen’s fave oatmeal cookies. As they watch the sunset, he will present her with a ring, “something in rose gold, because Jen loves that.” It might not have a diamond, but an amethyst or a ruby instead. What’s important is this: Justin is “furiously planning the special night” that we somehow know all about, but Jen is relaxed, because: “In Jen’s mind, she and Justin are already engaged.” I feel the same way about myself and Tom Hardy. Lest you doubt that J’ethroux is meant to be, witness how, alien-like, they are “morphing into one.” (see Fig. 2) Moving along: LeAnn Rimes is “step mommy dearest,” because she gives her husband’s kids bad haircuts and bland snacks. They’re not allowed to have any sugar at all when they’re with her, and after spending time with her, they “think normal-sized people are fat.” Next, Angelina is pissed at Brad for apologizing for his remarks about his marriage to Jen. That night, she insisted he sleep in a separate bed, and she’s losing respect for him. She thinks it’s “weak” and wants him to stop apologizing. Jessica Simpson is pregnant, and she knows this because she took not one, not two, but ten pregnancy tests. So far she is craving nachos dipped in chocolate, which sounds kind of good, and like something the unpregnant Jessica would want? A “pal” says the baby is “the best wedding gift ever.” Suri Cruise has a “million dollar jewelry box,” since Tom Cruise loves buying jewelry for her, especially vintage and estate pieces. A “friend” tells the mag, “He’ll see something he likes and just buy it for Suri to give to her when she is older.” Funny, Tom Cruise shopping for jewelry is a rumor we actually believe! Last, but not least, Vicki Gunvalson of The Real Housewives Of Orange County got a makeover that involved lasers, fillers and “body sculpting.” She looks the same. (see Fig. 3)
Grade: C (wheat)

Us
“Princess Under Pressure”
Poor Catherine Middleton. She is having a rough time getting ready for “the full-time job of future queen.” A”family friend” says: “Kate’s chief function as William’s wife is to produce an heir and a couple of spares. I hate to be so frank, but that is just how it is.” And by “hate” you mean “love,” right? Kate and the queen have meetings and discuss her getting pregnant. William is taking into consideration that he’ll be away in the Falkland Islands much of next year. So Kate might not get knocked up until late 2012. She’s still busy, though! She has taken a “very tough” kidnap-prevention course with the British Special Air Service; socializes with other wives at the Royal Air Force base; and she’s having tons of meetings with charity officials and experts on government and the arts. She has to decide for which causes she will be the patron. And, of course, there’s her hair to take care of! Kate goes for a hair appointment every eight weeks and gets an organic vegetable dye. Shinylocks secrets! Also inside: Beyoncé is getting ready for her baby by searching for a nanny. She’ll also have her mom, Tina, staying with her. And although there’s been no announcement of the sex of the fetus, Pregnancé has ordered pink Christian Louboutin booties, and Jay-Z ordered a whole wardrobe of baby girl clothes. Bey-bey girl! Have you heard? J’Anthrax are one solid unit now, and it will hurt to pull them apart, like when you sit on a plastic wicker chair with your bare thighs and have to peel yourself away. (See Fig. 4) Nicole Richie got implants, because “she said breast-feeding killed what boobs she did have.” (see Fig. 5) Lastly, Jessica Simpson has put her wedding on hold. Everything is up in the air, and she can’t figure out what kind of day she wants. A big event in Hawaii? A small ceremony close to home? Meanwhile, her finance-é, Eric Johnson, is having second thoughts, feeling lost, etc. An insider says: “His entire life is about the Simpsons, and he’s not sure that’s what he wants.” That’s the Simpsons, not The Simpsons. Unfortch.
Grade: C+ (buckwheat)

Star
“$290 Million Divorce”
Here’s the deal. September 23, the night before Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore’s sixth wedding anniversary, Ashton partied at Fluxx nightclub in San Diego. Eyewitnesses claim “he was checking out all the girls” and told a a friend that “none of the girls were hot-tub worthy.” But the drinks kept flowing and Ashton became less picky and chatted up a “stunning blonde” named Sara Leal. Ashton and Sara had sex at the Hard Rock hotel, and Ashton told her he and Demi were “separated, but the public just didn’t know yet.” Apparently it’s been “obvious to everyone around them” that the marriage is over. Earlier this year, Ashton visited his wife at a hotel in New York, but was seen “in the lobby for hours several days in a row, as if he didn’t have anywhere else to go or anyone to hang out with.” An insider says “Ashton really misses the bachelor lifestyle,” which is a really polite way of saying he loves to fuck ladies he barely knows and hates monogamy. Anyway, if Ashton and Demi split, they will have to divide $300 million in assets. Ashton is worth $140 million and makes $700,000 PER EPISODE on Two And A Half Men. And teachers make what? Let’s move on. Some dude who met Justin Theroux on the set of Iron Man 2 — a flick Theroux wrote — is on a mission to take him down. The dude says that they sat around talking about sexy celebs, and Justin said his crush was Angelina Jolie. Whoa. Also, Justin never married his ex, who he dated for 12 years, because he thought, “why ruin it?” And! Justin used to be a big drinker, and tried mushrooms, ecstasy, cocaine, heroin, LSD and crack, but has since been to AA. Rihanna’s former nanny — whom she calls her “second mom” — thinks Chris Brown is perfect for her. “I don’t know if she would get back with him, but that is what I would like to see.” Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are “living single” — both flirting with other people — so they must be broken up. Finally, a blind item: “Which formerly married action star is living it up as a single man — but now plays for the other team?” All of them?
Grade: B- (quinoa)

Addendum

Fig. 1, from Life & Style

Fig. 2, from In Touch

Fig. 3, from In Touch

Fig. 4, from Us

Fig. 5, from Us