Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which Margaret and I go on a tabloid-only diet! Today, Ashton’s accused of cheating on Demi (again); Snooki talks about her anorexia and body image troubles; and Angelina is ruining her kids’ lives.
Us
“Secret Fights.”
Most of the Jersey Shore article will seem familiar to you if you watch Jersey Shore, since the writer basically sums up a lot of what happened so far this season. Oh, but there is a handy chart illustrating who has hooked up with whom (see image 7 ). Breaking: The kids aren’t close like they used to be! “They used to hit the hot spots together when they first blew up,” says an insider. “Now they have their cliques.” A source recently tried to cut a deal with The Situation, and his people asked for a million dollars up front. The broker said not even Kim Kardashian gets that kind of money: “His manager’s words were: ‘The Situation is much larger than Kim Kardashian.’ We all laughed.” (Is “the source” here Us Magazine?) Anyway, another insider says The Situation has “gone Hollywood” and believes he is the star of the show. But MTV sees potential for Snooki and J-Woww once Jersey Shore is over. Snooki promises: “Me and J-Woww’s show would be hysterical. When we’re with each other, we do the most outrageous things and say the stupidest shit.” The Situation says: “In another couple of years I’ll graduate into TV and scripted, which we’re talking about now. Feature roles and films.” Sure, sure. Sure you will. By the way: Snooki and Wee-Man from Jackass are almost the same height! (see image 8) Moving on: Justin Timberlake is “absolutely obsessed” with Mila Kunis, with whom he is shooting a movie called Friends With Benefits. “He’s smitten,” says a source. Britney Spears has been wearing a one carat diamond in a pave setting on THAT finger, so the buzz is that she is engaged to Jason Trawick. But! She has owned the ring for a long time, and, says an insider, “When she gets engaged, they will announce it. It won’t be a secret.” Halle Berry is dating Olivier Martinez, and the mag calls it a “risky romance,” because Olivier “has a reputation for moving on quickly.” But in any case, for Halle, “it’s just fun right now.” Olivier, who was sofa king sexy in Unfaithful, has dated Juliette Binoche, Mira Sorvino, Angelina Jolie and Kylie Minogue. “He’s into Halle at the moment,” says a source. “It’s too early to say if it could ever be more.” Lastly, in a “Test Your Oprah IQ” quiz (shouldn’t that be OQ?), can you put her hairstyles in chronological order? (see image 9)
Grade: F (starvation diet)
Life & Style
“Pregancy Shocker!”
Kim Kardashian and her mom made sure they were being photographed as Kim was buying three pregnancy tests at a drug store in London. An “eyewitness and fan” says: “I did a double take! I couldn’t believe it was her.” The mag claims that Kim has been wearing baggier clothes (if you wear a poncho or carry a giant bag, you must be knocked up!) and was spotted eating on street (dun dun DUN)! Apparently Kim and Khloe are in a “baby race.” We doubt that any of this is true because two pages later, there’s an “Ask Kris” column in which Kim’s mom solves problems. This is also the magazine that sponsored Kourtney’s baby shower. So obviously the Kardashians and the editors are in cahoots, and the “shocker” here is that anyone would believe that she is actually pregnant. Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson started talking again once LL was out of rehab. “They text constantly,” says a source. “It turned into something more and they have hooked up.” But Sam doesn’t want any of this to be public. Oh well! Lindsay is trying to stay sober for Sam, since they broke up over LL’s drunken antics. J-Woww is “obsessed” with plastic surgery. She has a fresh scar below her breast, and was seen at a plastic surgeon’s office in February. Dr. Greenberg confirms that she came to see him, and wanted her boobs to “look more natural.” “She loves them now,” he says. So much for patient confidentiality! Since J-Woww looked really different when she was 17 (see image 10), so she may have had a nose job, according to the mag. Also: Lipo. As for the cellulite treatments, she has said that they gave her the “confidence” to try out for Jersey Shore. “Angelina Leaves Her Family Again” is about how Angie went to Pakistan to visit flood victims. Psychotherapist Jonathan Alpert, who does not treat her, says: “While Angelina’s philanthropic efforts are noble, the time away from her children may be detrimental to them. Children who receive inconsistent attention from a primary care giver may lack the skills to forge healthy attachments and may withdraw from peers.” The mag adds: “In other words, they might end up like their mother, who confessed… ‘I don’t have a lot of friends I talk to.'”
Grade: F (grapefruit diet)
In Touch
“My Kids Saved Me.”
We’re guessing that Teresa agreed to be interviewed because she has no money. Nothing in the article is interesting, but there are some entertaining pictures of Teresa and Joe in the 80s and 90s (see image 11). Basically she says Joe never cheated on her, because he says so, and if he did ever cheat on her, she would break up with him, because “I’d rather be alone than be with a cheater.” Moving on: Brad “fears” for Angelina’s life because she went to flood-ravaged Pakistan, and he wanted her to stay with the children while he filmed Moneyball. “As they’d agreed,” the copy reads. “But his pleas fell on deaf ears.” She was only there for like, a day, but in that one day she damaged the kids and pissed off Brad. Sigh. In a story about Ben Affleck and his The Town costar Rebecca Hall “getting flirty,” the copy reads, “‘They were inseperable,’ an insider says. At the premiere events, they were by each other’ side the whole time.'” Um, they are PAID to be next to each other on the red carpet to promote the movie! Jeez. Next, in a story called “KIm’s Dangerous Hookup With Chris Brown” we find out that she HAS NOT dated Chris Brown. But. Chris was hanging out with Kim’s brother Rob, and “managed to convince Rob to put in a good word with his sister.” An insider says: “Chris was saying how his new single was number one in the charts that week, and wouldn’t Kim rather go out with a guy who is number one at something instead of just another athlete?” Barf. Jennifer Aniston and Lindsay Lohan are fighting over John Mayer. As everyone knows, Jen has been secretly hooking up with John Mayer over the past few weeks. But John has also been secretly keeping in contact with Lindsay! “John has always been attracted to Lindsay, and they’ve been in touch ever since she got out of rehab,” says an insider. “Apparently, Lindsay is back to men, and she thinks John is so hot. They’ve already spent time together in L.A.” Lastly: A “friend” says that Lea Michele was offered $500,000 to show off her new skinny vegan body in Playboy, but she turned it down.
Grade: D+ (liquid diet)