This Week In Tabloids: Ashton Cheats On Demi (Again)

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which Margaret and I go on a tabloid-only diet! Today, Ashton’s accused of cheating on Demi (again); Snooki talks about her anorexia and body image troubles; and Angelina is ruining her kids’ lives.

Us
“Secret Fights.”
Most of the Jersey Shore article will seem familiar to you if you watch Jersey Shore, since the writer basically sums up a lot of what happened so far this season. Oh, but there is a handy chart illustrating who has hooked up with whom (see image 7 ). Breaking: The kids aren’t close like they used to be! “They used to hit the hot spots together when they first blew up,” says an insider. “Now they have their cliques.” A source recently tried to cut a deal with The Situation, and his people asked for a million dollars up front. The broker said not even Kim Kardashian gets that kind of money: “His manager’s words were: ‘The Situation is much larger than Kim Kardashian.’ We all laughed.” (Is “the source” here Us Magazine?) Anyway, another insider says The Situation has “gone Hollywood” and believes he is the star of the show. But MTV sees potential for Snooki and J-Woww once Jersey Shore is over. Snooki promises: “Me and J-Woww’s show would be hysterical. When we’re with each other, we do the most outrageous things and say the stupidest shit.” The Situation says: “In another couple of years I’ll graduate into TV and scripted, which we’re talking about now. Feature roles and films.” Sure, sure. Sure you will. By the way: Snooki and Wee-Man from Jackass are almost the same height! (see image 8) Moving on: Justin Timberlake is “absolutely obsessed” with Mila Kunis, with whom he is shooting a movie called Friends With Benefits. “He’s smitten,” says a source. Britney Spears has been wearing a one carat diamond in a pave setting on THAT finger, so the buzz is that she is engaged to Jason Trawick. But! She has owned the ring for a long time, and, says an insider, “When she gets engaged, they will announce it. It won’t be a secret.” Halle Berry is dating Olivier Martinez, and the mag calls it a “risky romance,” because Olivier “has a reputation for moving on quickly.” But in any case, for Halle, “it’s just fun right now.” Olivier, who was sofa king sexy in Unfaithful, has dated Juliette Binoche, Mira Sorvino, Angelina Jolie and Kylie Minogue. “He’s into Halle at the moment,” says a source. “It’s too early to say if it could ever be more.” Lastly, in a “Test Your Oprah IQ” quiz (shouldn’t that be OQ?), can you put her hairstyles in chronological order? (see image 9)
Grade: F (starvation diet)

Life & Style
“Pregancy Shocker!”
Kim Kardashian and her mom made sure they were being photographed as Kim was buying three pregnancy tests at a drug store in London. An “eyewitness and fan” says: “I did a double take! I couldn’t believe it was her.” The mag claims that Kim has been wearing baggier clothes (if you wear a poncho or carry a giant bag, you must be knocked up!) and was spotted eating on street (dun dun DUN)! Apparently Kim and Khloe are in a “baby race.” We doubt that any of this is true because two pages later, there’s an “Ask Kris” column in which Kim’s mom solves problems. This is also the magazine that sponsored Kourtney’s baby shower. So obviously the Kardashians and the editors are in cahoots, and the “shocker” here is that anyone would believe that she is actually pregnant. Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson started talking again once LL was out of rehab. “They text constantly,” says a source. “It turned into something more and they have hooked up.” But Sam doesn’t want any of this to be public. Oh well! Lindsay is trying to stay sober for Sam, since they broke up over LL’s drunken antics. J-Woww is “obsessed” with plastic surgery. She has a fresh scar below her breast, and was seen at a plastic surgeon’s office in February. Dr. Greenberg confirms that she came to see him, and wanted her boobs to “look more natural.” “She loves them now,” he says. So much for patient confidentiality! Since J-Woww looked really different when she was 17 (see image 10), so she may have had a nose job, according to the mag. Also: Lipo. As for the cellulite treatments, she has said that they gave her the “confidence” to try out for Jersey Shore. “Angelina Leaves Her Family Again” is about how Angie went to Pakistan to visit flood victims. Psychotherapist Jonathan Alpert, who does not treat her, says: “While Angelina’s philanthropic efforts are noble, the time away from her children may be detrimental to them. Children who receive inconsistent attention from a primary care giver may lack the skills to forge healthy attachments and may withdraw from peers.” The mag adds: “In other words, they might end up like their mother, who confessed… ‘I don’t have a lot of friends I talk to.'”
Grade: F (grapefruit diet)

In Touch
“My Kids Saved Me.”
We’re guessing that Teresa agreed to be interviewed because she has no money. Nothing in the article is interesting, but there are some entertaining pictures of Teresa and Joe in the 80s and 90s (see image 11). Basically she says Joe never cheated on her, because he says so, and if he did ever cheat on her, she would break up with him, because “I’d rather be alone than be with a cheater.” Moving on: Brad “fears” for Angelina’s life because she went to flood-ravaged Pakistan, and he wanted her to stay with the children while he filmed Moneyball. “As they’d agreed,” the copy reads. “But his pleas fell on deaf ears.” She was only there for like, a day, but in that one day she damaged the kids and pissed off Brad. Sigh. In a story about Ben Affleck and his The Town costar Rebecca Hall “getting flirty,” the copy reads, “‘They were inseperable,’ an insider says. At the premiere events, they were by each other’ side the whole time.'” Um, they are PAID to be next to each other on the red carpet to promote the movie! Jeez. Next, in a story called “KIm’s Dangerous Hookup With Chris Brown” we find out that she HAS NOT dated Chris Brown. But. Chris was hanging out with Kim’s brother Rob, and “managed to convince Rob to put in a good word with his sister.” An insider says: “Chris was saying how his new single was number one in the charts that week, and wouldn’t Kim rather go out with a guy who is number one at something instead of just another athlete?” Barf. Jennifer Aniston and Lindsay Lohan are fighting over John Mayer. As everyone knows, Jen has been secretly hooking up with John Mayer over the past few weeks. But John has also been secretly keeping in contact with Lindsay! “John has always been attracted to Lindsay, and they’ve been in touch ever since she got out of rehab,” says an insider. “Apparently, Lindsay is back to men, and she thinks John is so hot. They’ve already spent time together in L.A.” Lastly: A “friend” says that Lea Michele was offered $500,000 to show off her new skinny vegan body in Playboy, but she turned it down.
Grade: D+ (liquid diet)

Ok!
“My Battle With Anorexia”
Snooki did an actual interview with the magazine, and it’s kind of heartbreaking. She says when she was in high school: “I was very self-conscious about cheerleading… I was scared that these little freshman girls were going to take my spot. I just started eating salads and salads. Then I got to a point where I was just eating a cracker a day, and I was down to 80 lbs.” She also tried bulimia, “but I didn’t like throwing up.” And: “When I was anorexic, I was always tired. I didn’t want to do anything.” This went on for two years, and then Snooki saw a therapist to talk about it. The doctor told her that she could die, which scared her, and by the time she went to college, she had started eating normally. Here’s what’s heartbreaking: When asked how she feels now, Snooki says: “Right now I just really don’t care what people say about me. I’m just comfortable with myself.” But then she also says, “Obviously I want to lose a couple of pounds, but it’s hard because I’m always busy and it’s hard to find time to go to the gym.” When she’s asked how she feels about wearing in a swimsuit, she says: “Oh, I feel disgusting now. I love to be on the beach, I love to wear bikinis, but right now, it’s just not working for me. Hopefully by next summer I will feel better in a bikini at the beach.” Poor thing. Sigh. Then there’s a sidebar which points out how hard it is to have a healthy body image at the Jersey Shore, since they’re always drinking, big meals are a part of the lifestyle, the guys are always critiquing women and you wear swimsuits everyday. Arg. Next: Katy Perry and Rihanna are in a “weight loss war.” They’re trying to see who will look more fit at Katy’s wedding — Rihanna is a bridesmaid! It’s a “friendly competition” and an insider says “They’ve been having weigh-ins, sit-up competitions, you name it.” Then the mag claims that Katy’s “secret weapon” is the Master Cleanse, but if you read closely, you’ll find that she hasn’t done it (yet?). And even thought the copy tells you how to do The Cleanse, the mag also says “nutritionists try to steer clients away from The Cleanse.” So: Here’s how you do it! But don’t do it.
Grade: C+ (low-fat diet)

Star
“Ashton Cheats Again — With This Girl.”
Basically, 21-year-old Brittney Jones was bowling with her family at Lucky Strike Lanes in Hollywood on July 24, and Demi and Ashton were in the lane next to her. Brittney was sitting at a table in the back, and Ashton came by, and Brittney wrote her number on a cocktail and tried to give to to Ashton. He was all, “I don’t want your number, I am married.” But! he took the napkin anyway. Demi posted a picture of napkin — including Brittney’s number — on Facebook, and people started prank calling Brittney. The next day, Ashton texted Brittney, “now do you understand why I told you not to give me your number?” Two days later, he texted Brittney again, writing: “R U busy?” They started texting back and forth. Brittney says,”I did all the suggesting in the texts, it was like he was paranoid and didn’t want to text anything that would get him in trouble. I asked him if he wanted to meet, that’s how we made the plans.” They met in the parking lot of a Beverly Hills shopping center, and she followed him, in her car, “down a dark road back to his place.” Demi was out of town shooting something. Brittney describes in the house in detail, perhaps to convince you that she was actually there. First Ashton and Brittney just sat in the living room and talked. Ashton told her that he liked being married, and that he was in love with Demi, and that she was his soul mate. Later, Ashton made his move. They kissed. “Ashton was an incredible kisser,” says Brittney. “I never felt like he was trying to get in my pants.” O RLY? “It was passionate and warm,” she says. “I could have kissed him all night.” But wait! There’s more: She reveals that Ashton’s “skin was soft, he smelled nice, and his body was in incredible shape.” Britnney asked if they could go to the bedroom, and Ashton refused. “So we made love on the couch,” she claims. “He’s a great lover. Very considerate and sweet. And it was very special to me. I felt totally comfortable in his arms. It was tender and nice — not some random sex act.” Actually that sounds like EXACTLY what it was. Anyway, later they met at a gas station parking lot, where he told her he felt bad about it and that he couldn’t justify their relationship. So it’s over. Moving on: “Angelina is Wasting Away” claims that the star is pale and sickly and only weighs 99 lbs. This story revolves around Angie’s bony wrist, which we think looks totally normal. Not really. How dare she have bones in her wrist! (See image 12). There are two pages about Lady Gaga stealing from Lina Morgana, which we have already covered, but an “insider” tells Star that Star magazine inspired “Paparazzi.” Lina was looking at the magazine, and talked about how much she would love to be followed by paparazzi, and told producer Rob Fusari (who later worked with Gaga), “maybe we’ll write a song about paparazzi.” If you’re into Catelynn from Teen Mom, Star has an exclusive interview: “Her grandmother tells all!” Lastly, here’s what we wish Star really looked like (see image 13).
Grade: B (“seafood” diet, in which you see food and eat it)

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