This Week in Tabloids: Ariana Grande Screams Whenever She's Thirsty
Welcome to Midweek Madness, in which your friendly neighborhood idiot goes door-to-door looking for chicken wings and ends up with suspicious-looking nuggets instead. This week, Oprah’s car runs over an anonymous foot, Kanye threatens to crack the Kardashian Safe of B-Roll Lies, Tommy Mottola is maybe tryna holler at Mariah and Blake Lively “wants the sex to be a surprise.”
US Weekly
RENEE’S SHOCKING PLASTIC SURGERY
Let’s just count ourselves lucky that more magazines didn’t put Renee on the cover and plunge ourselves elbow-deep into the shithole. Good news for Samaritans: The pregnant Duggar woman is registered at a Walmart in Rogers, AR if you want to buy her gifts. Items on her registry include Subway gift cards and Fanta. Babies, am I right? They’re always like “GIVE ME A SIX-INCH TURKEY ON HONEY OAT, EXTRA FANTA,” you know? James Blunt regrets his song “Beautiful,” Madonna is gonna need like $30 million before she ever sings “Like a Virgin” again. I too regret my greatest accomplishment (once eating 18 pieces of pizza at lunch in the dining hall in college). The Billy Bob blood vial that Angelina Jolie used to hang around her neck was “barely two drops,” says Billy Bob. So not a vial, really, just a casual couple o’ blood drops. It’s like how “you wear your [kid’s] baby hair in one.” Yes, exactly! A tiny baby boy named Hunter Hayes is telling us things we don’t know about him. #23 is “I can’t sleep in the middle of the pillow. I get claustrophobic” and #24 is “Every time I think I’m getting into a book, I don’t.” Very cool! What’s your name again dude?? Taylor Swift’s friends used to ask her: “ARE YOU AN ELF?” This is purportedly because she grew up on that dang Christmas tree farm but it is also because of my 9000-word essay linking Elfness to Whiteness all the way from its medieval Germanic etymology (albh for white, alpt for swan, elbe for girl who’s never actually been inside a bodega, etc). Someone wanted to put together a photo spread of celebs eating donuts (which they spell “doughnuts”: NOT canon) and they had to go back SIX YEARS in the archives in order to put 10 pictures together. “Glazed and confused,” the caption chortles through a gentle waterfall of tears. “Pete Wentz handed out pastries in LA to promote a 2008 album.” Oprah Winfrey’s driver ran over a fan’s foot in Miami and Oprah immediately jumped out of the car and yelled, “That’s worth a picture!” Oprah in a studio making it rain broken bones. “U get a fracture!” she screams into ether. “U GET A FRACTURE TOO!!!” The SNL women who have babies are all on a group text that Tina Fey describes as “so dirty.” Poop dirty? Sex dirty? SEX AND POOP DIRTY?? Publish it as an oral history please please please. Oh no here’s the Renee situation. Not into any of this except for the sidebar of other celebrities who talk about their plastic surgery proudly: Courtney Love’s like, “I took advice from Goldie Hawn [that] I should get a face-lift at 35.” Yeah! Lift that face, eat those toast soldiers. Blake Lively and the action figure she lives with “want the sex to be a surprise.” Ooohh, I loooove surprise sex, it’s like, you think that action figure is inanimate, and then all of a sudden it pops a bone!! Lively also likes to take baths with “lots of good salts.” *Harlan Pepper from Best in Show turns to the camera* “Sea salt… kosher salt… picklin’ salt… that Himalayan pink stuff…” Here’s a feature on celebrity riders!! Things that ride on top of celebrities include Katy Perry’s “off-white egg chairs” and Pharrell’s “one framed picture of Carl Sagan.” Also Beyoncé loves eating lots of backstage chicken and last year spent $2,200 at a Nando’s, which I think we can all agree sets an unattainable model for femininity in 2014.
Grade: 1222 (the number of chicken wings you can get at Nando’s for $2,200)
Star
ASHTON CAUGHT IN BED WITH ANOTHER WOMAN
Let’s check in with the simmering, explosive Gender Expression Police Jubilee currently being held at the K-Name Crisis Ranch: latest in is that Kris Jenner is dating a young dude and “reserving her venom.” Eeek but don’t hold it in too long because you’ll get an infection!! Ariana Grande has an assistant follow her around with a bottle of water with a straw in it, and when she gets thirsty she screams “WATER!!” and the assistant scurries over to fill her up. But beware if the water gets too warm from all the scurrying because Ariana will just spit it right back out like she did in public at the BBC Teen Awards! “Yablaaawbeeeee mayyyy bayeebeee,” garbled Ariana by way of explanation. Here in the magazine is a photo of Ashton Kutcher in bed with another woman from June 2012. They are clothed (and all the clothes match clothes Ashton was wearing out and about around that time) and also seem like it is the morning and they are only pretending to be asleep. Who took this picture??? The woman is a Swedish makeup artist who “didn’t want to go all the way” and just settled for Ashton going down on her?? “Settled.” This happened around the same time Ashton started seeing Mila Kunis again so they are trying to make it very scandalous but it seems pretty chill, honestly. Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott’s “champagne tastes are colliding with their beer budget.” Just buy cheap champagne guys! More about Renee Z: apparently an attendant at Soho House thought she was a party crasher and Jennifer Lawrence had to throw in the positive ID. Yeah, everyone is over this face thing, may we never speak of it again. I love that Renee Z is like “Yeah guys I look different…. IM IN LOVE.” Yes you are, babe. Hey: if you’re looking to switch up the HUE of your TRESSES, the magazine suggests BRONDE. Like Jennifer Lopez! Scary Spice kept all her Spice Girls outfits and plays dress-up with her 15-year-old daughter in them. Does McNulty come over and take a bunch of kewl pics???
Grade: Medical (the type of hazmat suit we are going to need to buy Ariana’s water girl)