This Week in Tabloids: Amanda Bynes Is Not Crazy, Says Amanda Bynes

“Used.”

Inside, the title of the story is “Kanye Wants the Baby, Not Me!” Although this is not a direct quote from Kim Kardashian and there’s no real evidence that Yeezy is no longer interested in Kim, the article claims that while on vacation in Mykonos, Kim “looked miserable.” An “insider” swears that Kanye has “absolutely no intention of walking down the aisle” with Kim and only wants her unborn fetus. Apparently Kim used to be hot and desirable but is now a “worldwide joke” and Kanye is trying to figure out how to get out of the whole mess. He’s OVER IT. The wedding is not happening and Kim is going to be depressed forever. Moving on! Kate Middleton bought a blue pram, and that might mean she is having a boy. Sarah Ferguson is pushing her nephew Prince Harry to marry Cressida Bonas, but Kate Middleton doesn’t trust the young lady. Bachelor Sean Lowe is getting closer to his DWTS partner Peta Murgatroyd, who recently broke up with some dude she was seeing and now calls Sean “baby” in public. Oh, and get this: Page 34 features an exclusive interview with Amanda Bynes, who doesn’t actually say the words “I’m not crazy.” (Fig. 1) She does say she doesn’t drink or smoke pot; she explains he got her cheeks pierced because former stripper Blac Chyna has them, and reminds us all — again — that although she is by no means heavy and a quite tall 5’8″, she hopes to be 100 lbs. sometime soon. Godspeed. What else? Eva Longoria is living with Ernesto Arguello, whom she met on her canceled TV show Ready For Love. Michael Lohan says Lindsay is bipolar and addicted to Adderall and “needs a nurse 24 hours a day.” Zac Efron is hooking up with costar Maika Monroe. Janice Dickinson has filed for bankruptcy but humbly swears she “will get back on TV” and get her own talk show: “I will prevail.” She also says: “I have perfect bone structure and my lips are mine.” Last, but not least: Certain celebrity moms are “stressed & scary skinny,” although the tabloids have been saying that about Angelina Jolie since 2005. But the real lesson is that women are too skinny or too fat and always just objects, bodies for open-season critque. Whee. (Fig. 2)

Grade: D (seeing colors after too much Benadryl)

“Countdown to Baby!”

This story is chock-full of details about Kate Middleton’s plans for the kid the stork is bringing her, as well as information about How Things Are Done in the royal family. Kate and William plan to let the baby sleep in their bedroom — at least in the begining — which is not how The Queen did it when Charles was born: She saw him for a half hour each morning and night. That infamous British warmth! When William was born, in 1982, he had a staff of three in a three-room nursery; Kate and William are not planning that kind of rigamarole at all. They allegedly have a “small” nursery that is “humble” and when party-planning Pippa offered to throw Kate a baby shower (an American tradition some Brits have adopted), Kate said no. Nice normal softer gentler royals, just like you always dreamed of. Also inside: Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel are planning on getting pregnant. Jennifer Aniston has pushed back her wedding, not wanting it to be anywhere near the date Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have chosen for theirs. Finally, we totally love the “Star Sparkler” quiz asking which hideous ring belongs to which celebrity (Fig. 3). Avril Lavigne, are you cereal?

Grade: C+ (seeing random baby clothes on Pinterest)

“Nanny Tells All!”

A lady named Pam Behan — who took care of the Kardashian kids between 1991 and 1996 — has written a book called Malibu Nanny: Adventures of the Former Kardashian Nanny, and this “exclusive” interview is basically a book plug. Pam started working for the family the day Kris married Bruce, and was, at the time, a 19-year-old Pepperdine student who had previously worked for Bruce’s wife, taking care of Brandon and Brody Jenner. Pam says Kourtney was a serious child, Kim was beautiful but quiet, and Khloe was “a pistol.” Earth-shattering. Pam tells the mag that one day Kris gave her a shopping list and sent her to the grocery store When she came back, Kris said, “Where is the broccoli?” Pam said broccoli wasn’t on the list. Kris yelled “I can’t fucking believe you fucking forgot the fucking broccoli.” Pam also claims that Kris was mean to Khloe about her weight and that Kim and Kourtney fought about clothes a lot. That’s about it: Nothing exciting, shocking or scandalous. Let’s move on. Johnny Depp and Amber Heard are totes in love. For the amount of cash Brad and Angelina have spent on cosmetic procedures, you could buy a small apartment in New York (Fig. 4). Simon Cowell wants Demi Lovato to lose weight, despite the fact that she is recovering from an eating disorder. WTF. Tom Cruise is convinced that he is shrinking and has already lost a quarter of an inch. Gwyneth Paltrow wants to have her own daytime talk show and be the “New Age Ellen DeGeneres.” A picture of Kelly Osbourne has the caption “baby or burger” when the answer is NORMAL BELLY JESUS CHRIST (Fig. 5). Miranda Lambert is jealous of Blake Shelton’s close relationship with Sheryl Crow. Joe Giudice is cheating on Teresa again. And finally, Justin Theroux’s brother’s (Theroux bro? Broroux?) mug shots are kind of hot? Y/N? (Fig. 6)

Grade: C- (seeing the face of an old lady when looking in an antique mirror)

Addendum

Fig. 1, from In Touch

Fig. 2, from In Touch

Fig. 3, from Us

Fig. 4, from Star

Fig. 5, from Star

Fig. 6, from Star