Welcome to Jezebel’s Midweek Madness: Summer Slump edition! For the next few months, local menace Joan Summers will be reporting on the oft-ignored features and spreads in America’s weekly tabloids. Typically the gossip is too good to waste your time with “Who Wore It Best?” But since the Famouses have fled to their yachts behind luxury vacation paywalls, let’s make do with what we’ve got. We’re nothing if not scrappy!

Let’s dive in.

In Touch:

In spite of my arbitrary vacation from photoshopped affairs and the misogynistic policing of women’s bodies, I somewhat miss the months when Bradley Cooper and Stefani Joanne Ally Maine Germonatta were the dominant cultural narrative. These days, the only gossip of note resides in the oft forgotten halls of “Who Wore It Better?” I’m perplexed this week by the assumption that Gigi Hadid outshined Emily Ratajkowski in a Michael Kors maxi. (Will we let this slander against the hero of the Brooklyn bourgeois go unpunished?) Elsewhere, Nathalie Emmanuel came out on top in an Ermanno Scervino gown against Storm Reid. And I’m told that Hunter King and Dakota Johnson both stepped out in matching The Vampire Wife frocks. Unfortunately, I can’t hold their visage in my brain long enough to form opinions. Further in, “Up Close” brings us the latest in “Celebrities who were recently photographed with birds. Content!

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  • Ireland Baldwin enjoyed a “cheesy tourist moment” with a parrot.
  • Jamie Foxx was also spotted with parrots, one of which bit him.
  • The flesh puppet known as Prince Charles, not to be left out, marveled at a parrot during his international imperialism tour to Kingstown, Saint Vincent, and the Grenadines.
  • Willie Geist was paid by SeaWorld to pose with a spoonbill on World Ocean Day.

And having previously claimed I’d ignore the cottage industry that exists around celebrities’ weight and bodies, it’s here I must admit I lied. After flipping through this week’s paparazzi roundup, I stumbled on a perplexing spread that absolutely cannot go ignored.

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Since men who aren’t Rob Kardashian are often overlooked in the body-policing that tabloids line their pockets with, I was surprised to see Bradley Cooper involved in such shameful coverage. (The same could not be said for XTina and Demi Lovato.) And because I’m nosy, I went snooping for Dr. Fred Pescatore’s credentials (who’s quoted here multiple times.) Having not read them myself, I’ll simply list his three published books below without comment:

  • The A-List Diet: Lose up to 15 Pounds and Look and Feel Younger in Just 2 Weeks
  • The Allergy and Asthma Cure: A Complete 8-Step Nutritional Program
  • The Hamptons Diet

The titles speak for themselves! I’d also like to hone in on “Star Sightings.” It’s my favorite roundup of sponsored events I couldn’t snoop through on Getty Images over the weekend!

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  • Kerry Washington and Ciara partied with Hulu at Cannes Lions.
  • Rug baroness Jill Zarin and new beau Gary Brody “celebrated” Bluemercury’s 20th anniversary at the Hilton flagship store in Manhattan.
  • Somebody named Nate Berkus “hit the launch” of Travelpro’s Crew VersaPack luggage collection at Glasshouse Chelsea.
  • Cassie Randolph, a Bachelor somebody, stepped out for girl’s night in “ASTR The Label’s latest summer looks” at an Elephante jamboree in Santa Monica, California.
  • La La Anthony “enjoyed” some time with Terrence J at La Féte du Rosé in Miami.
  • Luann De Lesseps walked a step and repeat with Angelo David Pisacreta for his Resident magazine cover in Manhattan.

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Elsewhere, the Pioneer Woman’s daughter was arrested for public intoxication and possession of alcohol. The news is played as a shocking twist in the “picture perfect life” of the land baroness. It isn’t! I’m mostly left wondering what the consequences would have been for a teen that wasn’t white and backed by her parent’s vast wealth? Besides, it’s her mother that should be in prison after her notorious “enchilasagna” was unleashed on suburban block parties worldwide.

I’m also told that Adele has undergone a “breakup makeover,” but find the narrative tiresome. Her marriage never defined her public persona and she’s just as glamorous as she was before her divorce. Everyone’s really worried about Matthew Perry, Jenna Dewan impersonator Jessie J is “racing” original flavor Jenna Dewan to the altar, and rumors are swirling on the nature of Chris Martin’s breakup with bangs-having Dakota Johnson. While I’m told that the reason for their split was not just the age gap and her “seeming disinterest” in babies, others still whisper that Dua Lipa is to blame. As if she’s any older and any more willing to birth this man’s children! What else:

  • Nick Carter admits that “being a working dad is brutal” after revealing his guilty pleasure—funfetti cakes!
  • Sara Foster loves Kacey Musgraves just as much as you do.
  • The Bachelorette is still on television.
  • Sources claim Stefani Joanne Ally Maine Germonatta has been impregnated by Bradley Cooper.
  • Teresa Giudice has fully transitioned from home cook to body-bulding influencer.
  • Orlando Bloom was photographed in a cowboy hat at Karlie Kloss and Jared Kushner’s second wedding.

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As for this week’s blind, my guess is Ryan Seacrest. Don’t forget to leave your guess in the comments below!:

This popular TV personality is shaking in his hosting chair. His ex-girlfriend, who patiently waited for an engagement ring but never got one, wants to write a tell-all book and reveal all the dirt—including that they rarely had sex!

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Ok!:

Instead of indulging the royals exceedingly complex interior lives, why not follow up on Kelly Ripa’s tantalizing secrets to a sexy marriage? According to insiders, there are a few key tenants to an unbreakable union between a Riverdale actor and daytime talk show host: Sex at all hours of the day. Before breakfast, on the Peloton bike, at Equinox for your afternoon run, in the dressing room of your talk show, in the trailer on set of Riverdale, and even during a fight! Amidst such claims, rumor-mongers refuse to let Wendy Williams rest. Her ongoing fight against addiction and recent separation hasn’t satiated their need for chaos! And despite the tabloid’s insistence that divorce ruins women, Adele has sprouted up in every club in America for impromptu performances and surprise drag karaoke sing-alongs. Rob Pattinson is “enjoying the luxuries” the title of Batman provides, Jewel has launched a “nutrition mission” with Wellness Your Way Festival, and everyone’s still wearing sequins on the red carpet. Naomi Campbell wore it better. Jane Krakowski was photographed. Selma Blair used her son to sell Country Time lemonade to their neighbors. Ciara stepped out in a cowgirl fit. And most importantly, Jake Gyllenhall continued his quest for a personality at every stop on the Spider-Man: Far From Home press tour.

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I’d also like to discuss this photo from the Naked Heart Foundation’s recent charity gala, sponsored by Chopard and Ferring Pharmaceuticals. The political implications of Big Pharma sponsoring a Russian child welfare charity at a Geneva, Switzerland gala already speak for themselves. Instead, I’d like to point out this deranged photo-op that took place on the “grey carpet.” Rita Ora, in Giambattista Valli Couture, is helped display the extravagance of her dress’ train by supermodel Natalia Vodianova. Thank god the stars give back with couture and questionably sourced diamond jewelry!

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In this week’s Heterosexuality Roundup, sources speculate on the cost of J.Lo’s future wedding (“tens of millions”) while claiming Miley Cyrus “has made it clear to hubby Liam Hemsworth that she has no desire to become a mom.” And because it’s Pride month, they thankfully included the latest gossip surrounding Kristen Stewart’s bleach job and Stella Maxwell’s lob. As friends “close” to the pair claim: “Those two are in love, but they’re a terrible influence on each other.” I’m inclined to let them mind their fucking business if this dastardly duo’s worst crime is wearing an abundance of jean jackets in public. There’s also an excellent profile of the Chateau Marmont and its nefarious, celebrity-infested secrets. “If these walls could talk!”

  • After partying with Robert De Niro and Robin Williams on March 5, 1982—John Belushi was found dead in his room of a drug overdose.
  • Lindsay Lohan, in the summer of 2012, was living at the hotel “on and off.” She racked up $46,350 bill that included $686 worth of cigarettes, almost $3200 on minibar alcohol, and a $2000 bonanza at the in-house restaurant. Her daily room service cost over $700 and she skipped out on the bill! (She eventually paid when the press caught wind of her expenditures.)
  • Britney Spears once angered Victoria Beckham after “causing a scene, acting weird,” a and smearing food across her face in 2007.
  • Led Zeppelin was kicked out of the hotel during the band’s height. Allegations of misconduct during their stay include using drink carts to “transport nude groupies.”
  • After the Chateau hosted the 2004 Oscars afterparty, many claim Scarlett Johansson and Benicio Del Toro hooked up in an elevator.
  • Johnny Depp once boasted that he and Kate Moss had fucked in every room in the hotel. Yikes!

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What else? Kelly Clarkson’s former step-mother-in-law is Reba McEntire. Martha Stewart shared her turkey burger recipe. Queen Elizabeth color-coordinates umbrellas. Lindsay Lohan is a Cancer. Olivia Munn, an investor in Uber, once claimed she “invests in products and technology that I believe in.” I’m relieved to know she won’t survive the worker’s rebellion!

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Us Weekly:

On June 18, an anonymous woman referred to as Jane Doe filed a suit against the Church of Scientology. She alleges multiple human rights violations, like being forced to work 16-hour days as a child and having adults scream “sexually inappropriate comments” at her as part of her training regimen. Her compensation for these things? $15 a week, allegedly. Now, Us Weekly has honed in on what the A-listers of Scientology “really knew” during the years Jane Doe claims she was subjected to the abuse detailed in the suit. Interestingly, the church’s most prominent critic, Leah Remini, has been outspoken on many of these talking points since her 2015 book, Troublemaker, and subsequent A&E series, Leah Remini: Scientology and the Aftermath. Jane Doe was even featured in an episode of the series containing some similar allegations. On the episode’s content, Us Weekly reports:

It was revealed that former Scientology exec Debbie Cook—who was sued by the church for violating a non-disclosure agreement—had been sent to “the hole” (a double wide trailer used by the church for solitary confinement purposes), where she was allegedly forced to lick a bathroom floor clean.

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Insiders to the church’s goings-on claim that Scientology spent “millions of dollars custom-building [Tom] Cruise’s home.” Going Clear, a 2017 HBO documentary, featured stories of workers who claimed to have “pimped out” a motorcycle and bulletproof limo for the actor. And even more troubling—the same sources allege Tom Cruise had Katie Holmes followed and “wouldn’t bat an eye” over the incidents described in Jane Doe’s court filings. As for other prominent members, tipsters assert that John Travolta “has heard the horror stories but he looks the other way.” Others also claim Kirstie Alley is in David Miscavige’s “inner sanctum” and could be “privy to a host of injustices.”

But what of the potential consequences? Steve Mango, the creator of the anti-Scientology site mangotology.com, claims it could be “pivotal.”

“This isn’t about a cash settlement. They want [Miscavage] deposed and answering questions under oath regarding the mistreatment and abuse Scientologists have faced.”

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Tony Ortega, perhaps the most outspoken critic of the church, claims the U.S. government is “paying very close attention to the case,” going on to posit that federal prosecutors might bring human trafficking charges to the table. The sources end with a rather troubling prospect: that this is just one of many lawsuits being prepared. A celebrity and prominent group are alleged to have met with “top attorneys” to prepare separate filings. In the meantime, here’s a list of celebrities that seemingly still reside within the church’s “jurisdiction”: Elisabeth Moss, Juliette Lewis, Jenna Elfma, Giovanni Ribisi, Erika Christensen, and Laura Prepon.

And despite Us Weekly’s requests for comments, the Church of Scientology has simply responded: “We are confident the lawsuit will fail. The church will vigorously defend itself against these unfounded allegations.”

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In the interest of ending on a high note, why not take some time to peruse Nancy Grace’s “25 Things You Don’t Know About Me.”

  • 1. She loves camping, hiking, and fishing with her husband.
  • 2. She only cooks with recipes her viewers send to her via email and Instagram DMs.
  • 5. Her papers of record are (unsurprisingly) the Daily Mail and New York Post.
  • 8. “My favorite color is the dark blue of the sky just before nightfall.”
  • 9. She previously drove a Toyota Corolla.
  • 11. She refuses to accept astrology into her life but still believes in ghosts.
  • 13. Her animals names are Fat Boy, Cinnamon, Abby, and Chloe.
  • 16. She practiced “so many hours for Dancing With The Stars” that her stilettos pooled with blood.
  • 21. She wakes her children up with Broadway musicals.
  • 22. In a past life, she was a swing dance champion.

And that’s all I’ve got for you! Enjoy this week’s collage: