Welcome to Jezebel’s Midweek Madness, where local menace Joan Summers is enjoying her brief vacation from press cycles centering the romantic entanglements of hydration activist Jennifer Aniston. In the rare downtime, she’s pivoted to conspiracy theories surrounding Jennifer Lopez’s engagement photos and the rise of celebrity “body language experts.”

Let’s dive in!

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In Touch:

In a fact I completely ignored: Miranda Lambert recently eloped with a NYPD cop she knew for 5 months. Her new husband, it turns out, has a 5-month old son with another woman (a lawyer) he fathered while engaged to a third (a pro soccer player.) Reader, I’m genuinely worried for her! He has a baby with a lawyer, who he fathered while cheating with a pro athlete, who gave birth after he began dating a country superstar? Can’t she see the clear hunger this man has for betraying powerful women? There’s also pregnancy rumors I won’t indulge because I refuse to join In Touch readers in manifesting that for Lambert. As for Gwen Stefani & Blake Shelton: what else is left to say about this relationship? What mental ground has not been covered? Which emotional terrain has been left uncharted? And this insidious ideology peddled by the tabloids that the only fulfillment in marriage is found through pregnancy is an archaic nightmare.

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In related news, I’m obsessed with a two-page spread on J.Lo and A-Rod’s “phoniest engagement ever”:

“The pristine blue ocean sparkled, complimenting the color of his sweater. A soft breeze blew, billowing her $328 Spell dress. And the sun began to set in the background, splashing the couple in the gorgeous light of the magic hour. When Alex Rodriguez whipped out a massive emerald cut diamond ring and proposed [...] the moment seemed art directed by a Hollywood pro. “There wasn’t a hair out of place.”

What a journey! To expand on their investigation, In Touch hired a “body language expert” named Lillian Glass to break down the photographs. (According to her Twitter bio, she identifies as “a well respected internationally known COMMUNICATION & BODY LANGUAGE EXPERT, AUTHOR, MEDIA PERSONALITY, EXPERT WITNESS, DIRECTOR, PRODUCER.”)

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  • J.Lo’s bun was pulled tight and low to keep the wind from blowing it out of place during the photoshoot.
  • Her stance conveys “a woman acting shocked”, like “she wasn’t really surprised.”
  • His face is unnatural and probably “photoshopped.”

I might pivot to body language expert if it means important work like this. They also have sources claiming the engagement was ran through “four times” to capture the perfect shots. I’m unimpressed! They’re two industries merging assets valued at almost $1 billion. Of course they took the photos four times.

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There’s a fabulous read of anthropomorphic bran muffin Colton Underwood describing his new hairstyle as a cross between Cameron Diaz in Something About Mary and a My Little Pony character. This is the content I crave! I would also describe it as:

  • Somebody that Audrina Patridge cried over on The Hills.
  • A Backstreet Boys roadie.
  • Carson Daly’s hair stylist on TRL.
  • A side character on Room and Bored from The Comeback.

Moving on: Kate Hudson proclaimed “I got hair!” and Teddi Jo Mellencamp described herself as “a loudmouth.” Worse, Hailey Baldwin revealed her skincare routine involves a $1400 moisturizer made from her own blood. Eat the rich! Ariana Grande also found herself in hot water after photos surfaced of her drinking Starbucks’ “cloud macchiato.” Fans, remembering her vegan announcement from 2013, mused: “It’s really weird that she is the ambassador for the new drink. You literally cannot make it vegan. The key ingredient is egg whites.” I love young journalists! There’s also a troubling report that Nicole Kidman is “looking frail”, usually a dog-whistle blown by body-shamers. As someone who suffered from anorexia, and will continue to struggle with it my entire life, I know the damage it causes when large groups of people pile on your appearance, actions, and “health.” If she is going through the experience of disordered eating, a page in the tabloids dedicated to her “skeletal arms” is rude and dangerous! We’re also informed of a rumor that another woman is about to come forward with a tell-all on Matt Lauer. Sources claim “the woman is determined to get her story out there.” Godspeed, stranger! It’s widely known he’s plotting a comeback- stop him at all costs!

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I’d also like to break down a deranged graph on the ages of Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriends. The y-axis is based on his age, the x-axis is the year, the plots are his age (again), and the bars are the ages of his girlfriends. I barely scraped by in statistics, but this can’t possibly be the most efficient way to plot this phenomenon? (I do find it fascinating that every 5 years their ages cap at 25 before starting back at 20. Is Leo ok? Are these women ok?)

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Here’s this week’s blind:

This well-liked Oscar winner is ready to leave the United States with his wife and kids. The almost-50 politically aware star is frustrated with raising his family in such a divided country. He wants them to live abroad, by the beach, and only travel to Hollywood for work.

This could quite literally be anyone?

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Ok!:

There is nothing like the extremely specific sensation of stumbling on something you didn’t know you needed until you had it. In this moment, it’s a feature in Ok! on the “Secrets of Hallmark’s Hottest Stars.” Everyone’s capitalizing on Lori Loughlin’s looming prison sentence and I couldn’t be happier! But to my immediate dismay, however, the “secrets” spilled are as family friendly as the network that hosts them:

  • Candace Cameron Bure struggled to find success outside of Full House and Republicanism. It wasn’t until she had the chance to produce hard-hitting family movies, like A Shoe Addict’s Christmas, that she found true career fulfillment.
  • Lacey Chabert, star of Christian Mingle, accidentally gained 10 pounds on the set of Love, Romance, and Chocolate.
  • Alison Sweeney found success through Angela Lansbury-adjacent detective flicks like Murder, She Baked: Just Desserts. Sources claim: “It’s a positive vibe on set - that’s something she’s never really experienced before. Especially when she was on Days of Our Lives.

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Sadly, none of these are secrets and I’m beginning to think we’re scraping the bottom of celebrity college admissions scandal content.

Elsewhere, sources claim Teresa Giudice is “not only planning to divorce Joe [...] but uproot her four daughters and move to Los Angeles.” While this nightmare will keep me up at night, I seriously doubt she’d move coasts after screaming “DO YOU KNOW WHO’S SHOW YOUR ON?” for eight seasons of the Real Housewives of New Jersey.
Cara Delevingne, amid rumors of splitting from Kendall Jenner, wore it better and Lady Gaga is allegedly shopping for a house with Jackson “Bradley Cooper” Maine. Somebody check on Irina Shayk, please! I also can’t get Reese Witherspoon’s 10,000 square foot Pacific Palisades mansion out of my head: not only do I find mass land accumulation by the rich immoral, who the hell needs all that space? I’d also like to point out a Candace Cameron Bure toothpaste advertisement masquerading as a paparazzi candid. “Candace Cameron Bure was spotted with a box of Pronamel Intensive Enamel Repair toothpaste following a pharmacy run.” While her dead-eyed stare as she clutches a green juice is horrifying enough, I can’t get over the box of toothpaste dangling from her gym bag.

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  • Andy Cohen’s baby, Benjamin, was gifted the old burp cloths of Sarah Jessica Parker’s son.
  • In case you forgot, Antoni Porowski is a paid spokesperson for the National Mango Board.
  • Malin Ackerman is playing matchmaker for Jon Hamm.
  • Keri Russell is an Aries?

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Life & Style:

I am not alleging anything beyond what you are reading in this next sentence: There is absolutely no way that Kendall Jenner slept with Travis Scott. Enjoy the first and last time I will ever “defend” this kursed klan of khaos merchants! Let’s instead hone in on the ever-blooming narrative surrounding Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman’s sex-life. As previously reported, sources at Life & Style claimed Urban bought Kidman “sex therapy gift cards” to enrich their love lives amidst the growing pressures of Tinseltown fame. Relatable! This new narrative involves a year old song called “Gemini” that allegedly describes the actress as “a maniac in the bed / but a brainiac in the head.” Despite initially hating the song, spies close to the couple claim she’s finally come around on it. The sex therapy gift cards have clearly been put to use!

In this week’s style section, there’s a bold allegation that somebody named Lucy Boynton has enough red carpet appearances to warrant a “Top 10 Looks.” Excuse me? Regardless, Linda Cardellini wore it better and Vanessa Hudgens stepped out in a thigh high boot. There’s further claims that Matt Lauer is doing behind-the-scenes damage control on an upcoming tell-all from Meredith Vieira’s assistant. Considering this rumor has cropped up for months across multiple tabloids and outlets, I suggest we brace ourselves for incoming mess! Kacey Musgraves, recent appointee to the pantheon of Gay Iconography, admitted “I love words!” Sarah Jessica Parker, former queen of New York, was photographed riding a Citi Bike and Cate Blanchett’s husband often refers to her as a “possum.”

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Worse, chaos merchant Lisa Rinna has allegedly threatened Andy Cohen with a lawsuit over a dog charity. Confused? A little over a week ago, Rinna posted an Instagram story bashing Lisa Vanderpump for manipulating the cast of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills into launching a Vanderpump Dogs spin-off. The labor rights activist, disconcerted at the exploitation of her unknowingly free labor, lashed out at Bravo and Cohen for “indulging” Vanderpump’s machinations. While I could genuinely care less, let’s examine this statement from a “source” close to Cohen that retaliated viciously: “Of course she would love her own show with her husband, Harry Hamlin, and their wannabe supermodel daughters. [...] But Andy has fired Housewives for less.” (Is that you, Vanderpump, beneath that Party City costume and fake mustache?)

And instead of the usual roundup, why not enjoy this incredibly rude list of former mistresses turned celebrity wives?

  • Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt: Who remembers the iconic 2005 photos on the African beach that announced their cheating to the world?
  • Kayte & Kelsey Grammer: I constantly forget that the world watched his affair with a flight attendant play out on the first season of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.
  • Ethan & Ryan Hawke: I had no idea he cheated on Uma Thurman with their nanny, Ryan Shawhughes?
  • Jason & Brittany Aldean: Who?
  • Dean McDermott & Tori Spelling: It’s impossible to explain the wild love lives of the 2000s to anyone that didn’t live through it! They both cheated on their spouses in 2005 while Tori was filming a Lifetime original movie called Mind Over Murder, in which she plays a lawyer who gains telepathic powers after a near-fatal car crash. His wife, cooking show host Mary Jo Eustace, went on to write a tell-all expose: Divorce Sucks: What to do when irreconcilable differences, lawyer fees, and your ex’s Hollywood wife make you miserable.
  • Prince Charles & Camilla Parker Bowles: The gap in my knowledge of the royal family certainly exposed itself when I found myself shocked to learn he’d been cheating on Princess Diana with this lady?
  • Eddie Cibrian & Leann Rimes: I have to thank Eddie Cibrian for not only launching the careers of his wife and countless reality stars, but gifting Vanderpump Rules. For the uncultured among us: the original star of VPR, Scheana Shay, slept with Cibrian while he was still married to Brandi Glanville. The confrontation between the two women was the launch-pad for Bravo’s most successful spin-off ever.

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Plenty of people have already written on this over-exposed scandal. Instead, I’ll leave you with the words of Felicity Huffman herself: Ruh roh!

Below is this week’s collage. Enjoy!