This Reddit Guide to Your First Kiss Will Pretty Much Guarantee That It's Your Last

Reddit doesn’t exactly have the best history when it comes to its treatment of women, nor is it known for the wisdom of its advice. But that didn’t stop one sexually inexperienced 21-year-old man to seek guidance from Redditors on how to make the first move. That the most popular answer to his inquiry was an incredibly detailed, overly methodical guide to kissing a girl for the first time confirms for us what we always kind of suspected: these guys don’t really spend a lot of time IRL with human females.

It all starts off pretty reasonable with some decent advice on loosening up, breath freshness, and the importance of confidence.

Get some alcohol in your system. This will suppress the nervousness you will have. It will steady your shakiness. It will suppress your inhibition. It’s helpful if she has some onboard too.

Chew some minty gum. You’ll want this in your mouth when you go for your first kiss.

Get this girl alone, away from other people. You don’t want eyes on you. Get a good conversation going. Talk about something you know you’re both intensely interested in. It will distract her, and hopefully will help you calm down.

Realize that she LIKES YOU. You’re already several thousand miles ahead of the game, because she has actually told you she sees you as more than a friend. This should erase any fear of rejection you have. Remind yourself that this girl clearly likes you.

And then it gets weird:

5. Get her talking on something intensely, and suddenly without warning go in for a kiss. There is a technique to doing this, and doing it well. It’s all about calm and gentle movement. And don’t close your eyes until you’re so close to her lips that you can basically feel them. Go in quickly, but slow down as you get close. When you’re a few inches away, go VERY slowly.

First of all, if you’re having an “intense” conversation, it’s probably not about the weather or reality TV, so doing anything “suddenly and without warning” will only make you look like a total creepazoid. Or it might indicate that you fall somewhere on the autism spectrum, especially if you’re super close to her face with your lids open, without making eye contact. The weirdest thing though is to get close to her face really fast and then slow down and then go “VERY slowly.” Way to freak a person out.

Use your thumb and index finger to hold her chin, very gently (thumb on top, index finger below. Basically, make a fist and put her chin between your thumb and index finger). Gently though. And calmly. The alcohol will help if you’re shaky.

Please, please, please do not make a fist. That’s how you break a face, not the ice.

Then, very subtly pull her chin the last inch between your lips and hers. Slow and gentle. Also, you should be the one to tilt your head (somebody has to). You want to tilt in the direction of the hand you’re using to hold her chin.

Don’t pucker up. Don’t do any kind of weird sucking stuff. Don’t open your mouth. Don’t open your teeth. You are literally just going to touch lips. After a couple of seconds, very slowly and gently pull her chin a little bit closer, and very slightly open and close your lips. Do this a couple of times and you’re golden.

Yes, bump your face into hers while gritting your teeth. And do it repeatedly—if you’re a fucking psycho! Jeez. Wait, here’s where it gets rape-y. (Because it was bound to, right?)

After 10 seconds or so, you’ll want to let go of her chin and lean back a foot or two. This gives her some time to react and catch up to what just happened. She will surely react outwardly. A lot of the time she’ll say something like “Wow” and behave like she’s embarrassed.

She may react negatively and push you back or say something like “What was that?” or “What are you doing”? Pay less attention to the words and more attention to the body language. If she doesn’t want you to do anything like that, she’ll stop you quickly and firmly.

Be playful. This is not the time for seriousness. This is time for FUN. Enjoy it. Make it enjoyable. It’s not stressful either, despite what you will be feeling.

After her initial reaction, you gotta go back for more. If she asks you a question like “What was that?”, you can answer it as you lean in for round two. Don’t wait too long, otherwise the moment will kind of fizzle. Same thing as before. Start it the exact same way, but now instead of separating after some time, you’re going to push onward into some different stuff.

This time, try pulling her a little bit more toward you while you lean back a little. Eventually, assuming she has kissed a guy before, she’s going to expect tongues to get involved. This is generally where inexperience rears it’s head the most in first time kissers.

So after you knock faces over and over despite her protestations, it’s time to stick your tongue in her mouth.

Here are my pointers for doing this:

Just like the lip kiss, you’re not doing anything funny with your face, and you’re not doing any kind of weird sucking or anything. Your face is relaxed.

Teeth. If your teeth touch hers, you’re pushing too hard. Be gentle. Be intimate, not aggressive. Not only is that an unpleasant feeling when teeth tap each other, but it’s a sign that you’re pushing too hard and thus coming off as aggressive (and inexperienced).

Wetness. Yes, two mouths are coming together and swapping saliva. It can get leaky. Limit this. I know this sounds gross, but swallow your spit man. It sounds strange, yes. But it’s kind of gross to have someone else’s saliva running down your chin like drool.

Tongue. When tongues get introduced, the general technique is that you’re going in and playing a little game of footsie with hers. Don’t move too fast with it. Don’t go in and out like a panting dog. This is a weird thing to try and explain, but you’re basically just touching tongues and doing a little dance. Nothing complex, no weird tricks, no tying knots on cherry stems. A lot of this is about feeling the other person out (quite literally) and taking turns following each other’s lead.

Bodies. The more intense this gets, the more you want to get bodies involved. Pull more on her chin. Make her lean her body toward you. Slide your hand from her chin to her jawbone under her ear. Slide your other hand up her side, above her shirt to start. Don’t be a schoolboy and grab at her breast. Same thing with her lady parts. You have to earn access to these places. All of your movement needs to be gentle and intimate as a general rule.

Some things I like to do that seems to work:

In between “sessions” you’ll pull away a couple inches and just kind.. catch your breath/look at each other. It’s generally a few seconds, but it feels natural. When you go back in, instead of immediately kissing her, get in real close. She’ll be expecting you to make contact, but don’t. Pull back slightly. Make her come to you. Then pull back again. And again. She’ll hopefully laugh or lean real hard into it so you can’t tease her anymore. Don’t over use this though.

Bite her lower lip. Not too hard, but enough that it’s slightly painful. Pull a little bit. Some girls will start melting when you do this. I’ve never done this and gotten a negative response.

Here’s where this Redditor starts writing some erotica to give himself a boner:

When touching her body, slide your hand over her sides and back. Slide your hand just a bit up her shirt and rub the skin briefly, then pull your hand back out. Again, you’re working toward more intimate stuff. You’re earning it. Just because she’s kissing you doesn’t mean she’s opened up all the bases of the game.

Your hands and body are just as important as your mouth in this game. As with everything else, slow and gentle is the key.

As you slowly get closer to more intimate parts of her body, tease her. Use your thumb to push in on her inner hip a little bit. Slide your thumb just under her pants line as you brush by it.

Get her on top of you. This is getting advanced, but I’m on a roll so let’s just keep going. Take your free hand and pull her on top of you, so she’s straddling you. Mind your gentleman down south. You might want to “lock him up” somehow for now. She’s probably not ready for it to be poking her in the butt yet.

Move from the lips. A soft kiss on the jawbone below the corner of the mouth. Then slightly on her neck, no sucking, just a kiss. Then a little lower on the neck. Pull her shirt down slightly and kiss right where her shirt was. Then back to her mouth. Again, you’re doing this progressively.

Teasing is some powerful shit. Soft kisses in certain spots, or slight pressure (especially on the border of her thigh and groin) will often cause some deep breathing and a moan. IF ever you get this reaction, you’re doing it right. Now you know a vulnerable spot, and you can occasionally return to give her more of that. But don’t overuse it.

Find the things she enjoys. You can gauge her reaction to certain things you try, and use the things she seems to like. IF she likes it when you bite her lip, do it. Do it a little harder, a little longer. Then the next time pretend you’re going to do it, and wait a couple seconds. Let her anticipate it.