It’s been firmly established that the only film version of Little Women that ever needed to exist was directed by Gillian Armstrong in 1994, if for no other reason than that no other soundtrack will ever evoke Christmas so powerfully. Now, an unnecessary new version called Little Women: A Modern Retelling is here, and it looks as dull and insipid as its cloying soundtrack.

My question is, if this is such a modern retelling, why is Amy still wearing a clothespin on her nose? Even if the March family does go the much more environmentally-friendly route if hang drying, there is no way that 2018 Amy believes that the best way to go about reshaping her (perfectly fine!) nose is to crush it like that. If I know Amy, and I think I do, she’d just quite buying pickled limes at school and save up for a nose job like a modern teen.

Another seminal scene that appears to have been preserved is when Amy throws Jo’s manuscript into the fire. I know the March family is struggling economically, but there is no reason for Jo not to have that shit backed up on Google Drive somewhere, even if it’s a computer in the library at school. Wait a minute, is that a laptop they’re using to Skype their father while he’s at war? That would have worked fine!

1994 forever:

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