AHHHHHHHHHHHH. Photo: Getty

Until today, what I knew about This Is Us could fit on the head of a pin: Milo Ventimiglia is a man named Jack(?) who could stand to wash his hair; Mandy Moore is his wife; Jack is dead; the show makes people cry and cry and cry. Now I know this: the reason that Jack died is because of a fucking Crock Pot.

Everything I learn about this show makes me scream more and more into the abyss, but here’s the latest hot goss! On Tuesday’s episode, viewers across America learned just a little bit more about how Jack dies: there’s a fire that was started by a FAULTY CROCK POT given to this poor family by a well-meaning neighbor. Again, so sorry for spoilers, but this show aired Tuesday, so let’s roll the clip.

Anyway! There it is. The Crock Pot has a faulty switch, you see, which presumably innocent (?) neighbor (?) George(?) warns us about in the above montage of sweet family moments—and so that’s how the fire that eventually kills Milo Ventimiglia starts. Ah! Help! Fuck! My worst nightmare—and the nightmare of thousands of dedicated fans of this show, and I’m guessing, Crock Pots—realized! Many of said fans took to Twitter, as one does, to proclaim loudly, with memes and reaction GIFS, that they will be throwing away their Crock Pots because a fictional character probably died on a TV show from a 1970s-era slow cooker with a “faulty switch.” The outcry was so loud that Dan Fogelman, the architect of America’s emotional undoing, had to make a tweet.

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Crock Pot—whose beef is, I must say, earned—released a lengthy statement clarifying how a Crock Pot works. Useful information to have for those relying on TV shows for information about home appliances.

For nearly 50 years, with over 100 million Crock-Pots sold, we have never received any consumer complaints similar to the fictional events portrayed in last night’s episode. In fact, the safety and design of our product renders this type of event nearly impossible.

In addition, and most relevant to the concerns consumers are having after watching the recent This Is Us episode, our Crock-Pot slow cookers are low current, low wattage (typically no more than 200 or 300 watts) appliances with self-regulating, heating elements. The product is designed to cook foods over a longer period of time at low temperatures and the switches connect to only 1 side of the power line voltage, so there is never a high voltage applied directly across our switches. The switches within our slow cookers are subjected to additional internal testing, which includes a Rotary Knob Endurance test, Rotary Knob Force Test and Flame Burning Test and constructed of self-extinguishing, flame resistant material.

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Conspiracy theory time: Is this entire storyline part of the Instant Pot lobby? Think about it.

Anyway! There you have it. Your Crock Pot won’t catch your curtains on fire and the patriarch of your family won’t die in said fire. Make that beef stew, my queens, and move the fuck on!