Look at this photo of Adrien Grenier promoting Naked Juice in a tweet while shushing and tell me who among us does not want to get in on this?
The thing is, I’m a journalist. And I would never compromise my integrity by promoting products (for money or to receive free swag) without your, the reader’s, knowledge. It’s not what I do. It’s not only gross and immoral, but goes against all editorial values and regulations. Adhering to the boundaries between edit and advertising is important to me. Promoting any product in a public sphere feels icky to me. Like I said, I’m a journalist.
That said, it’s 2016, baby! #SponCon is real, and so much of a lucrative business that the FTC is reportedly cracking down on celebrities who promote things with reckless abandon, without disclosing such items as advertisements. Never would I stoop so low. Dear reader, I have no intention of misleading you. I’ve come across a few items I’d like to help make the public aware of and that I’m willing to openly advertise as #SponCon. For those companies interested, I’ve included proposals and suggestions for how I might promote said products.
1) Tesla Model S ($67,400 - $128,900 but of course I will have the one with all the options)
Why it’s good: I’m not quite sure which model is the best yet, or what the models even mean, but it’s a car and I don’t have one of those. I hear this is state of the art.
Photo: My head poking out from beneath a Tesla as if I’m a mechanic working on something underneath. Face greased.
Sample caption: “I swear to Jesus and would never lie about how Tesla is the best premium electric vehicle I’ve ever owned. #SponCon.”
2) The Darwin Tank Jellyfish Aquarium ($1,622)
Why it’s good: Saw it in a Goop guide.
Photo: Me holding the jellyfish aquarium up to the camera and pointing at a jellyfish inside
Sample caption: “One day I was sitting around thinking, damn I want a Darwin Tank jellyfish aquarium and tada, I bought this. My jellyfish look cool AF now #SponCon.”
3) This Jo Malone Candle ($470)
Why it’s good: Saw it in Kim Kardashian’s gift guide.
Photo: Me sitting cross-legged on the floor of a burning building with the candle in my hand making an “oops” gesture as flames and smoke envelop me
Sample caption: “Why didn’t I have this Lime Basil & Mandarin Luxury Candle candle in my life before? Damn I can’t believe it #Lit! #LOL #SponCon”
4) Giant Cat Head (Priceless)
Why it’s good: Over a year ago, I wrote a post about this giant cat head and said I needed it for something. I still do.
Photo: Me in my office chair wearing the giant cat head
Sample caption: “Coworkers think I’m crazy but so happy I decided to buy this. I put the fear of God into my cat, def worth it #SponCon.”
5) Hasselblad Flextight X1 Scanner ($13,400)
Why it’s good: Looks cool.
Photo: Me standing on top of it
Sample caption: “Please use info from this copy via B&H site in your promo and don’t forget to delete this memo: Having a device that has the quality to reproduce all the subtle details embedded in your negatives and transparencies that gives you full control over the crucial interpretation of your work is what makes owning a Hasselblad scanner attractive.”
6) SmartWater ($34.99/24-pack)
Why it’s good: It’s good for you.
Photo: Selfie of me trying to balance a SmartWater bottle on top my head while balancing on a tightrope and smiling
Sample caption: “Tho normally I hate the taste of water this is the best by far plus hydrates pretty well. You don’t have to feel like a waste of space. Drink smart...water #SponCon.”
7) And Finally, the Express Smile Atlanta Teeth Home Whitening Kit ($119)
Why it’s good: Makes your teeth white, which is aesthetically desirable.
Photo: Me being funny, pretending to use the teeth whitener as deodorant (it’s funny because that’s not what it’s meant for)
Sample caption: “Express Smile Atlanta teeth whitener has made my teeth only marginally whiter, like I can’t even tell the difference, so I walk up to all my friends now every time I see them and I’m like, ‘Are my teeth super white?’ and they say, ‘I don’t know...Looks the same,’ and then I inch closer and ask them to look again and they’re like, ‘Oh yeah maybe,’ and I’m a bit more satisfied with that answer but still feel like maybe I paid too much for this teeth whitener but hey still works and it’s technically true that my teeth have never been whiter #SponCon.”