Amazing Amy Pascal is a treasure. She is a camp goddess who should become a legendary drag icon. You hear me, queens? Put DOWN that chunky blonde Sia wig and slip into the fiery Medusa curls of Amazing Amy, Earth Mother and Destroyer. Lo, it is Amazing Amy who destroyed the Jobs movie; it is Amy who offered her bountiful teat to succor a wounded George Clooney after his statue movie tanked.
But alas, as Amazing as Amy is, she is also mortal. A human. She was brought down by a group of JEALOUS and BASIC hackers for doing what we all do on email—saying bitchy things about our co-workers, snarking on Adam Driver, and complaining about going to another “ ducking” meeting. Nevertheless, Amy’s amazingness lives on, thanks to wispy blonde Julian Assange, who has put the entire archived Sony leak online.
This includes all of Amazing Amy’s Amazon orders. Amy is our Gwyneth, and this our GOOP. We now present to you Amy’s punishing but necessary beauty regime:
Amy will not be pressured by you and your bare porno-fied American Apparel air-brushed puss! She will keep her (lightly graying) chach bush! For hers is the robe that adorns the seat of power.
Hair—the maintenance, the coloring and the bleaching of it—is a primary Amy concern. She and Scott Rudin exchanged feverish emails regarding Angelina Jolie wigs in the never-to-be-made Cleopatra, were clearly a subconscious expression of a profoundly tonsorial complex. Deeper in her archives reveal are a dozen products Amy uses to control her curl and frizz, such as:
We all have our thing. Amy’s is her powerful gypsy curls.
Amy takes the thorns of the earth and she puts them on her face to make her beautiful. She exfoliates with gravel. She uses radium for her blush and black keystone oil for her eyeliner. Her power is strong and savage. Amy gets free shipping.
The lady does not fuck around when it comes to bubble baths. None of that Evelyn and Crabtree toilette scrub for her. It’s Mr. Bubble or you can get fucked.
A George Clooney Endorsed Cleanse by Dr. Christian Renna
Within the trove of Amazing Amy emails is a request she once emailed George Clooney, asking him to recommend a doctor/nutritionist. Clooney, whose email is batmansenior at mac dot com (!!!!), said that he and his producing partner, Grant Heslov, swear by Dr. Christian Renna. Amy asks Heslov, “Will he make me skinny and beautiful?” Heslov assures that Renna will.
But Amy’s hopes are dashed when Renna won’t see her for months. “I’m so desperate to get started with my new life. I’m sad he can’t see me,” Amy bemoans to Heslov. He says that “GC” will get her to the top of the list. Batman Senior comes through: Dr. Renna will see Amy in a few weeks. Amy’s hope is restored anew. When she is put on a cleanse, Amy becomes very hungry and emails George Clooney to complain.
Amy: ... And I’m starving
Clooney: Me too. I have to fit into an Armani tux in a few weeks.
(Which is the most annoyingly Clooney-esque thing to say to a woman who is no longer masticating.)
Amy faces her first hurdle when Dr. Renna puts on a shake diet. She writes to her assistant:
These shakes are making me nervous and I miss my pancakes I really need to ask about sugarless gum and diet drinks and do I have to have stevia>
Instead of Splenda>
I also wish I could take whatever it is in the shakes in pill form instead of these shakes which are ao sweet and disgusting and also have things in them not on program and last night I has a shake after dinner which started a binge which turned into cheese and salami and m and ms
Amy misses her pancakes.
What does your snizz smell like at the end of a hard day of Leaning In and reading Cameron Crowe’s shitty scripts? Like a lavender meadow? Probably not! Amy needs to be fresh. Amy needs to be free. Maybe one of these smells like pancakes.
Amy is born from the sea. Her womb carries a nutrient-rich miracle broth. She menstruates Creme De Le Mer. This is her diva cup.
Top photo via Getty.
Contact the author at firstname.lastname@example.org.