This Happened: Woman Breaks Both Her Legs During Threesome in Car

For the love of all that is holy, stop fucking in automobiles!

If there’s one thing my mother taught me (and she taught me many things, at least three of them useful) is that you should always try to be clothed in a public area and if you engage in sex, do it in the privacy of your own home (“and not in a Kohl’s parking lot like your good-for-nothing father who won’t even pay for my internet anymore”). And always wear clean underwear. Or at least underwear that you’ve turned inside out to appear clean. _(ツ)_/¯

These same tips and tricks were not provided to a threesome in China who had to call emergency services last week when their car, in which they were having some adult fun, rolled down a hill and crashed into a tree while they were contorted into positions that are often seen only on the stages of the world’s finest circuses (or at least not in my bedroom, where I kind of just lie there and take it and think of England). This could have all been avoided if a) the people in this threesome had been careful not to touch the handbrake while making the sweet, dirty love I often read about in the romance novels I devour and b) these people could have stopped their urges for just one second and realized that there is nothing more romantic than doing the deed under a tree instead of crashing into it. (I hear doing it outside is like a huge thrill, but I hate outside and now that I work from home I’m becoming more and more of a morlock.)

Emergency services had to be called and the resulting footage was released to be seen by god and everybody. Two of the people in the car were fine (thank god), but one of the women had landed in a dangerous position and had to be removed by emergency services. First, of course, they gave her some clothes to put on so she’s be decent while being carted away with two broken legs. That actually makes the least sense to me? Who cares if she’s naked? She’s hurt! Get her out of there!

Everyone is expected to make a full recovery. Except for the tree, which will never live down its secret shame.