This 'Cuddle Mattress' Seems Like a Recipe for Maximum Grossness

You know when you’re lying in your bed with your bed partner, gettin’ your sleep thang on, taking the express train to Droolsville, and you want to big-spoon your boday up against your lover’s bunz for maximized coziness? But then what ends up happening is that your rock-hard boner of a mattress squeezes all the blood out of your downtown arm until it’s all desiccated and floppy like a Bunnicula zucchini!?!? And then you have to roll away, alone, to the other side of the bed, and wait for sensation to return—all the while hoping that your arm doesn’t shrivel and fall off like a lizard’s tail? And in the meantime, during this cruel exile from snugsville, do you know what does shrivel and fall off? YOUR LOVE. Thanks a lot, mattress. Dick.

WELL, SNUGGLE WARRIORS, HAS THIS RANDO INVENTOR GUY GOT A SOLUTION FOR YOU. It’s called “sleeping in a pile of dirty pool-noodles,” essentially. Or the “Cuddle Mattress” for short:

Hoping to address these hazards (sleep discomfort, human loneliness), someone has invented a mattress that allows you to wedge your arms and feet in between a series of pillowy slats, which may help to better facilitate cuddling. The mattress also comes with specialized fitted sheets, which may help to better facilitate sanitary sleeping conditions.

Indeed! So incensed was inventor and cuddle enthusiast Mehdi Mojtabavi over the arm-numbing tyranny of traditional mattress-shaped mattresses, he slashed one into great ribbons with his longsword. (Note: This part is totally made up.) Then Mojtabavi was all, “LIGHTBULB! If I were to embrace my lover upon this vivisected rage-mattress, I could simply stick my arm down into one of its sucking sword-wounds and come up on the other side of her like some sort of five-fingered zombie crocus!”

And lo, the Cuddle Mattress was born, and the world breathed a sigh of relief. Finally, we thought, a product that combines the full-body sweatiness of all-night koala-clamping with the under-the-fingernails crud grab-bag of groping around between the couch cushions! WILL THIS GARDEN OF DELIGHTS NEVER CEASE?

Unfortunately, while he won several awards for his innovation, Mojtabavi has so far been unsuccessful in funding it for production on a large scale. And although I’m making fun of the Cuddle Mattress here, I do recognize that some people might find it useful/appealing/orthopedic/comfy. I mean, I enjoy cuddling! Just last night I spooned my bf so hard that my right arm lost all meaning and I had a dream that I was Sykes, the one-armed dude from The Fugitive (TRU STORY). So I get it, kind of, and maybe the Cuddle Mattress will get funded and be a huge success and revolutionize lying down for the remainder of human civilization (provided the alleged “specialized fitted sheets” actually perform their function and get changed once in a while) and we’ll all look back on this article and laugh.

However, right now all I can think about is all the shit that would get stuck down in those fetid jizz-canyons. Including but not limited to:

• pennies
• hair-wads
• earrings
• iPhones
• condoms
• cough drops
• spiders
• Doritos
• peach pits
• snot rags
• chihuahuas
• dildos
• wedding rings
• barf
• salamanders
• Borrowers
• Rescuers
• Howie Mandel
• the liver biopsy slides proving that Devlin-MacGregor covered up Provasic’s side effects!!!
• crumbs

In conclusion, JUST SLEEP ON TOP OF YOUR ARM, YOU GUYS. IT’S REALLY NOT THAT BIG A DEAL.