Kevin Swanson, the Drudge Report headline who morphed into a Colorado pastor, is a homophobe in the truest sense of the word. He’s actually afraid of gay people! Like, this guy is afraid of gay people in the same way many gay people are afraid of the inevitable cancellation of RuPaul’s Drag Race.

And, as upsetting as it is to know there are people who think the gays are going to destroy the world, watching him sashay across the stage (the same stage he shared with Bobby Jindal and Mike Huckabee) while going on a deliriously incomprehensible rant is sort of incredible. It’s like the homophobic version of Larry David’s “Like flaming globes!!!” monologue from Seinfeld.

When discussing his fear of attending the hypothetical gay wedding of his child, Swanson screams:

...At the entrance of the church...I’d sit in cow manure and I’d spread it all over my body. That’s what I would do. And I’m not kidding. I’m not laughing. I’m grieving! I’m mourning! I’m pointing out the problem! It’s not a gay time! These are the people with the sores! The gaping sores!

[...]

That is not a nice thing to do! Don’t you dare carve happy faces on open, pussy sores! Don’t you ever do that! Don’t you ever do that! I tell you don’t do it!

After going on and on about those sores—calling them “gross” and “pussy” (as in containing pus) things that people (gay people?) love “carving happy faces” into (?)—Swanson calms down a little.

“America needs to hear the message,” he says. “We are messed up.”

Contact the author at bobby@jezebel.com.