This $2000 Groupon Buys You Access to Private Goop Crap With Gwyneth

If you filed on time, you should have gotten your tax return by now, and what better way to spend it than on an all-inclusive trip to New York City to spend time with your favorite domestic goddess, she of the is-it-shaved-is-it-au-naturel ladybush Gwyneth Paltrow? Groupon: making your big goop dreams happen.

Here’s how the weekend will go –

Friday: Attend a “private goop Event and Gwyneth Paltrow Meet n’ Greet” (yes, that’s “and” with an “n”) that starts promptly at 6 pm. Gwyneth will demonstrate how to make vegan flatbreads that totally alter the shape of your ass, Tracy Anderson not included. Everyone will cry and hold hands. Hopefully all the food and excitement will not all give you a rash. You will leave with a cookbook that Gwyneth has signed in her own blood.

Gwyneth sightings: one.

Saturday: After a restful sleep in a junior suite (One king bed plus queen sleeper sofa for those who are not dating the person they came with and don’t want anyone to think this is more serious than it is, Bobby, or it’s not like that with Karen, okay, we’re just friends!) in the DoubleTreebyHiltonMetropolitanNewYork hotel, you’ll head to a spa day, where you can get a haircut and a very deep condition. Plus all the nails on your body will be buffed to perfection.

That night, you and your chosen soul sister/gay friend/husband you’re trying to mend things with/no really, we’re just friends it’s not like that! will have dinner at Bistro La Promenade, which has “received praise from several media outlets” including Yelp. (Donna M. says not to get the frog legs; they’re “bland.”)

Gwyneth sightings: zero.

Sunday: You must check out of the hotel by noon, don’t think you can lounge around and enjoy the sights for the whole week, get the fuck out this weekend of goop-ing is OVER.

Gwyneth sightings: zero.

TOTAL GWYNETH SIGHTINGS: one.

You have seven days left to buy. Did we mention this will be all-caps EPIC?

[Groupon]