Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth
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Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth

They'll Give Anyone a Book Deal

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Image for article titled They'll Give Anyone a Book Deal
Image: Biden Inaugural Committee (Getty Images)

Remember Mike Pence? He was that weird guy who followed Donald Trump around and pretended to be good at his job. Anyway, turns out he is still working, sort of. According to The Wrap, former Vice President Pence has signed a two-book deal with publishers Simon and Schuster for an undisclosed amount of money. Pence, who said and did nothing of worth he was vice president, is scheduled to publish his first book in 2023—which will be an autobiography.

It’s unimaginable who would want to read about Mike Pence’s “faith and public service” in a book that they actually have to pay money for, but as the old saying goes, there’s a lid for every pot. But it’s the second book that piques my curiosity. Why two books if a single memoir would suffice?

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Is Pence trying to pull an Obama and write a memoir himself and then have his wife also write a memoir? They would be two incredibly boring books about loving Jesus and America.

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Or will book two be something surprising? Much like George W. Bush, who used watercolor to weasel his way back in and ingratiate himself to the amnesia-riddled collective memory of the country, Mike Pence might use this publishing opportunity as a chance to rebrand. The book could be some high-octane thriller about his time in the White House and launch a new career as the next John Grisham.

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Perhaps Mike Pence had some strange crafting hobby that we never knew about it and the book will be a table coffee reader filled with artistic photos of his work and guides on how he made the perfect macrame for every room in his home. The possibilities truly are endless when you’re a retired old man who flushed his political career down the toilet by kowtowing for four years to a megalomaniac.