Hello. Sorry for the delay, my fellow champions for the pretty attractive and mostly decent men of the world. I slept in. Not very woke of me, I know. Fall is close, but as the temperature begins to cool, please keep a fire in your hearts for the men of August who were not terrible!
Ben and Jerry
Bae Factor
Great ice cream, guys!
Woke Factor: It was clear that these ice cream icons were pretty damn woke when they were campaigning for Bernie Sanders which was the bold signature move of woke baes everywhere for about three months. Still, I did not know the full extent. SEVEN WHOLE REASONS? I mean, gahdamn. Thats a lot of reasons. And none of them have to do with ice cream or include any ice cream jokes so you know they’re super serious about this.
Josh Groban
Bae Factor
He’s giving me kinda cute TA from your political science recitation who still shows up to undergraduate parties but is also a real man, unlike all these college boys.
Woke Factor: Look at Josh simultaneously pointing out how the accomplishments of women are so often undervalued while also critiquing the bubble of white-male privilege which allowed Ryan Lochte to act like a dumb fish-man and emerge relatively unscathed. In a single tweet, Josh took the patriarchy in his hand, sang it a lullaby with that voice of his that people tell me is good, crushed it into tiny pieces, and added it to his morning coffee. (The best part of waking up is wokeness in your cup.)
Daniel Radcliffe
Daniel Radcliffe was in a very edgy movie. Allow Refinery29 to report:
“Whenever I was using racial slurs and stuff in the film I would have to go up to the actors afterwards and be like, ‘I’m so sorry,’” Radcliffe shared. “’I just, like, have to say it. I know you know that I don’t mean this, but I still feel like I have to say it.’ We were the most apologetic bunch of skinheads.”
Bae Factor
Daniel will never not be Harry Potter to this millennial, but could be worse.
Woke Factor: Wow! Wow! Imagine being a person of color on set with that dude. Sounds pretty damn annoying!
No one tell him that his fellow professional actors were probably able to gather that they were all participating in making a piece of fictional cinema, and as a result, Radcliffe, a fellow professional actor, was simply saying his lines, and not actually transforming into an honest to god racist every time the camera started rolling. They probably made that leap, and likely didn’t need to be treated like children, but you know, it’s good to cover one’s bases. That’s what keeps you alert and woke!
Colin Kaepernick
Bae factor
Sports bae is very bae.
Woke Factor: That was fast, wasn’t it?
What I love about Colin’s refreshing jump into the woke pool is that he is really committed. Not only was he out here exercising his First Amendment right—proving that he’s aware of and at least generally understands the First Amendment—but he continued to do so after racists complained, thereby proving his point about how black people are treated in America.
And oh, he didn’t stop there. My man went to his favorite woke tumblr and Paypaled that $29.99 for a Malcolm X-meets-Fidel Castro t-shirt AND he threw down for the Malcolm X hat as well.
Is there more? Could there be more? There could. You can now see the wokeness growing out of his head because Colin grew out his natural hair, got him an afro pick, and went to town—just in case you weren’t sure if he was really bout that life.
I don’t think I could ask for any more from a woke bae.
Fumbles In Wokeness or Baemanship
Ryan Lochte
This dumb dumb.
He managed to fumble in wokeness AND baemanship with that “blue” dye-job and also by being Ryan Lochte. I’ve already devoted too many words to this man who can swim quickly down the lane of pool but who has yet to show a single additional skill that is of use to the world.
For those of you who are picky about your woke baes, you might argue that Ryan was never woke to begin with, so how could he fumble? Fair! My answer to that is I just assume his response, if ever forced to consider sexism or racism or some other injustice of the world, was probably something along the lines of: “Yeah, bruh. That’s bad. Things should be good for everyone or whatever.”
Lower your standards, my friends, and you’ll rarely be disappointed.
DISCUSSION
Kaepernick definitely wins the “bae” part, hands down. Damn! (And I understand that by objectifying him, I lose out on being “woke” but I’m ok with that.)