Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth
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Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth

Ryan Lochte Issues a Formal Apology, Claims to Have 'Learned Some Valuable Lessons'

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Olympic swimmer and potential supervillain Ryan Lochte has finally released a formal apology for his actions in Rio de Janeiro early Sunday morning, and you’ll be surprised to know that it’s not the words “SORRY USA AND WORLD” written in crayon on a piece of light green construction paper.

The carefully worded statement contains no admission of lying, and sort of blames the entire incident a “language barrier.”

Below is his apology, in full:

I want to apologize for my behavior last weekend — for not being more careful and candid in how I described the events of that early morning and for my role in taking the focus away from the many athletes fulfilling their dreams of participating in the Olympics. I waited to share these thoughts until it was confirmed that the legal situation was addressed and it was clear that my teammates would be arriving home safely.

It’s traumatic to be out late with your friends in a foreign country - with a language barrier - and have a stranger point a gun at your and demand money to let you leave, but regardless of the behavior of anyone else that night, I should have been much more responsible in how I handled myself and for that am sorry to my teammates, my fans, my fellow competitors, my sponsors, and the hosts of this great event. I am very proud to represent my country in Olympic competition and this was a situation that could and should have been avoided. I accept responsibility for my role in this happening and have learned some valuable lessons.

I am grateful for my USA Swimming teammates and the USOC, and appreciate all of the efforts of the IOC, the Rio ‘16 Host Committee, and the people of Brazil who welcomed us to Rio and worked so hard to make sure that these Olympic Games provided a lifetime of great new memories.

There has already been too much said and too many valuable resources dedicated to what happened last weekend, so I hope we spend our time celebrating the great stories and performances of these Games and look ahead to celebrating future successes.


“Valuable lessons” learned by Lochte likely include things like “SHIT FUCKIN’ HAPPENS, MY DUDES” and “DON’T GET CAUGHT, MOTHERFUCKERS!”