The Twelve Most Depressing Things About the Election, and How You Can Make Yourself Feel Better

There’s something (or, really, a lot of somethings) about this election cycle that’s just incredibly depressing. Right? Things aren’t even going too terribly bad at this point, and still, I’m so depressed! Sooooooo depressed. This shit is a bummer! But instead of writing yet another apoplectic, bleeding-heart, depressing blog post about politics and justice and depression and blah blah blah, I decided to get proactive and actually DO something about it for once.

I decided to look at funny gifs all day. In fact, I found one perfect funny gif for every single thing I’m depressed about in the 2012 election! And it really changed my outlook on life. Here, enjoy:

1. Remember 2008? How young we were? The magic of it? Yeah, that’s dead now.

But no big! Here’s a puppy!

2. Sure, Obama has disappointed us in certain ways. Why is Guantanamo still bopping along? Why is the globe still warming like GANGBUSTERS? What’s with the drones, bro? And, for that matter, why did you do so shitty in the first debate? Was there a carbon monoxide leak in your lapel pin? We’re counting on you, man!!!

Eh, bygones. This penguin is doing a dance!

3. Equal rights for all human beings should not be up for debate. Women’s access to healthcare—for all parts of our bodies—should not be up for debate. But for some reason, we spend all of our time debating those things. Why? This is bullshit! THE WORLD IS LITERALLY BOILING TO DEATH. GET BETTER PRIORITIES.

LIKE THIS OTTER, FOR INSTANCE.

4. Republican candidates and lawmakers are silencing women’s voices, dismissing women’s experiences, and legislating women’s bodily autonomy at an alarming rate. Just a couple days ago GOP senate candidate Richard Mourdock said he thinks that rape is “something God intended.” Well guess what, dude? I DON’T BELIEVE IN GOD. So your feelings about the intentions of your imaginary god aren’t really relevant to the workings of my government or my uterus. Thx, though. (Also, if you think that everything is just part of “god’s plan,” has it been pointed out to you that “everything” also includes abortions and gay guys? Or…does “god’s plan” only apply to shit being forcibly shoved into women’s body-holes? Man, fuck you.)

What’s that? I can’t hear you because Captain Cragen is busy rescuing this grateful endangered monkey.

5. In fact, that disregard for women’s humanity and autonomy is built into the GOP platform. And yet conservative women are willing to throw their personhood away for what basically amounts to petty economic reasons. And/or racism. Honestly I can’t really figure it out.

But whatevs! Here are some baby raccoons!

6. But, you know, if the GOP’s candidate were some sort of dazzling rising star, a brilliant speaker with a clear-cut fiscal plan, who radiated safety and warmth, THEN I could SORT OF understand conservative women selling out their entire gender. Except, it’s not. It’s MITT FUCKING ROMNEY.

Hahahahaha, DOODLY-DOO!

7. Mitt Romney offers nothing. Mitt Romney offers nothing! Mitt Romney doesn’t even have a platform. He has no convictions, no plan except to make sure the super-rich get super-richer. No ideological stance except for rich = good, poor = gross. He says it! Out loud! And THIS is your guy??? He doesn’t even do a good job of saying all that stuff you like to hear! He can’t even remember how he’s supposed to feel about abortion half the time. He won’t even give you any concrete numbers for how he’s supposedly going to pay for his stupid tax cuts. Aren’t you people supposed to be all about fiscal responsibility? And THIS IS YOUR GUY? God, if you’re going to vote against basic human rights at least pick a better guy. Dummies.

Oops, wasn’t listening. Because here’s Rob Lowe with a fake mustache riding a motorcycle.

8. Seriously, Mitt Romney would be a complete disaster. He is a disaster person. Surely you can see this. Surely everyone can see this. He is a giant orange Lego-man who drank too much rageahol. He doesn’t care about the country. He only cares about winning. He is inept and terrifying.

It’s fine, though. Look at this puppy!!!!!!!!!

9. The fact that people are acting like they can’t see Mitt Romney’s disaster potential—like they think he really is the best candidate for President of the United States—is telling. Specifically, it tells me that what they’ve actually noticed is that Mitt Romney is the whitest candidate for President of the United States.

Dawwwww, I can’t stay mad at you, pwesidential ewection.

9. Obama has actually done a pretty fucking amazing job with the shit sandwich he inherited when he came into office (in this metaphor, Mexico and Canada are the bread). But because people are hella dumb, they traipse around saying things like, “Yeah, but what has Obama ACTUALLY DONE?” A bunch of stuff. And, considering our janky obstructionist garbage congress, a bunch of really impressive stuff. I want to see what Obama does with four more years. The only thing I want more than that is to NEVER have to see what Mitt Romney would do with those years.

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!

10. But the race is tied. IT’S TIED.

Yeah but:

11. Also, I miss Herman Cain.

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

12. And ugh, Ann Coulter. Still doin’ stuff. Ugh.

It’s okay, because HEDGEHOG GOES TO THE GROCERY STORE!!!!! MAYBE THE GOP SHOULD PICK THIS HEDGEHOG FOR ITS NEXT CANDIDATE. IT IS EQUALLY QUALIFIED.

I’m glad we had this talk, America. I feel a lot better. Now if you don’t mind, I’ll be under my duvet watching hedgehog gifs until December. Sob.