There is only one failproof method for ascertaining early on whether or not a novel is going to be any good, and that method is this: If in the first 50 pages a sheltered yet clever girl arrives at an English estate and has someone say to her something along the lines of, “Soon you shall come round to our way of doing things. I’m afraid you haven’t much choice,” that book is about to be a fucking banger. Judging by this unimpeachable standard, I must offer my pre-release review of Lifetime’s Harry & Meghan: Escaping the Palace. It is one of the greatest films of all time. Just look at this teaser!
An ominous piano note tinkling threateningly as a gallant man with a fully intact ginger mane who looks nothing like Prince Harry vows to protect his wife!
A woman who looks nothing like Meghan Markle sweetly yet determinedly breaking the fourth wall and sounding like someone who has taken a governess job only to hear strange noises in the night!
The best read of Prince Williams’s hairline I’ve ever seen!
A brunette in a Balmain for Ross Dress for Less Sweater ominously warning “This is the life we signed up for”!
Cameras flashing at a blonde woman!
And finally, a woman in a wig that looks like a Spirit Store reproduction of the flawless royal bouffant, menacingly promising “The monarchy will always survive,” just like the villain in the novel does before the entire estate mysteriously burns to the ground!
I would like to nominate this film for the Booker Prize because, really, what little tome is going to offer more than this?