Break out the pink cigars (NOT A EUPHEMISM, KEVIN) and the unattainable beauty standards—the Smithsonian Zoo just announced that their newborn baby panda is a girl! Born August 23, the cub is reportedly squeaky and healthy, and paternity tests determined that her father is the Smithsonian's own Tian Tian. (Her mother, Mei Xiang, was artificially inseminated with frozen panda sperms from both Tian Tian and a San Diego panda named Gao Gao.)

Before we proceed to the panda details, kindly take one moment to scroll to the top of the page and LOOGIT THAT SMILE. EEEEEEEEEEEE. Yes. Thank you. You're welcome. Now, onward!

Zookeepers say that the 10-day mark is vital in determining any panda's health and how well she or he is developing. Last year Mei Xiang gave birth to a cub after a few years of unsuccessful breeding that died after six days because its lungs had not developed completely.

"We're finally starting to really celebrate," said senior curator Brandie Smith.

A den check Thursday showed that the mother and the cub appear to be healthy. The panda is starting to develop dark markings around her eyes, ears and back.

"It's got a fat little belly," said Senior Curator Brandie Smith. "It's very active, very vocal."

The cub will stay with her mother for a little over two years until she is weaned. Then she is expected to stay at the zoo for another four years.

The pandas at the National Zoo belong to China and the cub will likely live there afterward.

The little girl doesn't have a name yet, but don't stress, Smithbronians—I came up with a few suggestions on my own:

  • Alesspandra Ambrosio
  • Chelsea Pandler
  • Adam Pandler (please do not make assumptions about this baby panda's gender identity)
  • Pandler Bing
  • Pamela Panderson (because of the panda's tits)
  • Ned Panders
  • Jay Pandrasekhar
  • Pandy Koufax
  • Ayn Pand

Leave your own baby panda names in the comments! And, in closing, LOOOOOGIT!!!! LOOGIT ITS LITTLE GODDAMN PANDA-FACE.


Image via AP.