The Secret Plot To Turn Hitler Into A Lady

According to recently declassified documents, during World War II British spies hatched a cunning plan to beat Hitler: Simply slip estrogen into his food until he becomes feminized and loses interest in the whole “take over the world” thing. It would have worked too, because everyone knows ladies can’t be mass-murdering monsters!

The Telegraph reports that Professor Brian Ford of Cardiff University recently discovered that there were British spies working so close to Hitler that they had access to his food. However, Hitler used food tasters so they needed a substance they could sneak by them. That’s where the female sex hormone comes in. Estrogen is tasteless and they believed it would have a subtle effect on Hitler that would go undetected. Ford explains:

They would smuggle oestrogen into Hitler’s food and change his sex so he would become more feminine and less aggressive. Their research had showed the importance of sex hormones — they were beginning to be used in sex therapy in London … it would have been entirely possible.”

It seems the spies were convinced this could work because Paula Hitler, the only one of Adolf’s siblings to survive to adulthood, was a mild-mannered secretary. Therefore it stands to reason that if Adolf was a woman, he and his sister would have the exact same personality.

However, the spies wisely didn’t put all their eggs in the “attempt to slowly give Hitler more feminine traits over the course of many years” basket. According to the Telegraph:

Other possibilities included dropping glue on Nazi troops in an attempt to stick them to the ground and disguising bombs in tins of fruit being imported to Germany. They also considered dropping boxes of poisonous snakes on enemy troops. However, [Professor Ford] said a plan for a giant water-borne Catherine wheel full of explosives — dubbed the Great Panjandrum — for an assault on the Normandy coast was the oddest of the lot.

World War II was so zany! (You know, except for the totally horrifying bits that left millions of people dead.)

None of these plots were actually attempted, but now if you ever have access to a time machine, you’ll know how to succeed where Tom Cruise and his oddly American accent failed: Don’t just grab a gun and shoot the Führer while he’s eating breakfast. Season his eggs with sex hormones and see if it brings out the softer side of Hitler.