The Rihanna Rihport: EMERGENCY SONG SNIPPET EDITION!!!!

Rihanna quit Instagram but then she came back because Rihanna is omnificent. This is the Rihanna Rihport.

DATELINE: Rihanna, November 25—Thanksgiving is just a few days away and guess what, the NAVY will have a LOT to be thankful because RIHANNA RELEASED A SONG SNIPPET on Instagram that MAY be an actual snippet, OR, it MAY just be a thing where she is, in fact, “phuckin roun in da studio,” as she captioned it. InDEED! And it’s real this time.

So earlier today this dude DJ Skee tried to totally use Rihanna to get people to listen to his radio show by being all like, “Oh yeah, I totally have a super crucial imPORTANT announcement about Rihanna’s album so listen at five PM Eastern” and of course the Navy was all like, “No doi, D’Johnnee Skee! So. There.”

But D’Johnnee Skee soon turned into “Angree Johnnee” after Rihanna caught “wind” of his “announcement” and was all like “LOL Nah, do not take away my agency D’Johnnee, I will bestow my gifts unto the Navy upon the hour of my personal convenience”:

After that, D’Johnnee’s mentions were totally over as was his complete and total career according to fellow Navyinista silvia_rihannanavy: “Your career,” wrote silvia_rihannanavy, “has just ended.”

Even though D’Johnnee Skee was such a wankerweenie for even trying to trick the Navy without even KNOWING how much power we have, YOURS TRULY still tuned in because you know, what if something actually happened and Skee was giving us new information because he is an industry “insider.” Actually to be honest with you that last week another “industry insider” told me (!) at a certain RED CARPET EVENT that this person thought Lord Rihzus Our Lady and Savior would be releasing a single before the end of the year! So I listened to D’Johnnee just in case he said something with knowledge and true facts and spirit. But actually he just said that he thinks that #R8 won’t come out until early 2015 and that it has a song called “Where I Belong” and that he thinks there will be ballads but he said all this in a quavery voice because he knew that the NAVY was COMING for his Rihanna-stricken MENTIONS. Then he was all like, “there are ballads” (duh) “mixed with hardhitting beats that are edgier, similar to a Hudson Mohawke style”—uh, which he said WHILE playing Hudson Mohawke behind him which was NOT ONLY cheating but he also played the Hudson Mohawke song that is in the online and offline television commercial for the official Apple MacBook Air which like that is so doublecheating, D’SKEE. You can’t like, play a MacBook song on your radioshow dudeinator. But then he also said that Stargate would be one it “as well as a bunch of up and coming EDM producers” which one, does he even KNOW what EDM means because why would he call Hudson Mohawke EDM if he did, but then you’re like “oh, I know why D’Skee said that, it is because he is a total frankenweenie.”

BUT! Because Rihanna, Sole Beacon of Truth and Light, is in touch with the UNIVERSE and was probably listening to that snively Skee sneakily try to steal her stunt (oh lo!), she knew, just KNEW that we, the NAVY would be hurting and feeling so much intense pain from the build-up to new and beautiful Rihanna news only to be delivered an EMPTY PLATE to satiate our life-threatening hunger for new Rihzus art. SO, she was like “PHUCK. DIS” and totally POSTED

A NEW

SNIPPET

OR SOMETHING

FROM

DA STUDIO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

phuckin roun in da studio

SHE WAS LIKE

WE WERE LIKE

HERE IT IS AGAIN

O blessed holy one Rihanna, Queen of the Tamping Down of the Fuckery, we lift you up in the light of the everlasting covenant, the NAVY, for this precious gift that you have graciously bestowed unto us, besmirching the wicked deceit of the DJ of sin and misleadingment, and we pray that you, Blessed Rihanna, have the most precious of Turkey Thanksgivings as a gracious and loving offering on this special day from your Children, We the Navy of Your Constituency of Anti-Fuckery and Pro-Phuckery, forever until the heavens do part, Amen.