The Rihanna Rihport: EMERGENCY ALLEGED INSTAGRAM, DEBUNKED Edition

Rihanna quit Instagram in May. The Rihanna Rihport is where we try to cope.

DATELINE: Rihanna, October 6—BREAKING!! Certain gossip sites, such as Urban Islandz and Harper’s Bazaar, are alleging that Rihanna, Our Lady of Badness, has secretly been Instagramming for MONTHS! The rumor outlets report that she has rih-joined as @Bahdgalriri, and that of course it MUST be the Official New Account of Rihanna Herself, because the photos posted there are intimate, personal selfies, and that “it’s likely they’re coming from Rihanna or a member of [her] camp.”

However, as thorough scholars in the art of Rihannaology, we are here to squash the idea that @Bahdgalriri is actually the real Rihanna. Unfortunately! Believe it, the Rihport is so sad, too, because we want nothing more than the Rihsurrection of @Badgalriri. But all of these photos on the alleged secret account seem taken from other, not-secret accounts! For instance, the flick of Her Rihjesty cooking crab legs was first posted by @ciarrap, aka Ciarra Pardo, aka Rihanna’s longtime Creative Director, as the Navy can tell you! And the most recent selfies of Rihanna posted on @Bahdgalriri are reposted from Rihanna’s Twitter. As Navyista and Spiritual Friend to the Rihport @ohhhsokayla commented, “this is NOT Rihanna, this person is fake and pretending to be her. Rih is NOT back on IG. These pictures are from her twitter, Rihanna ONLY has a twitter, this person is a poser.” RIGHT, OHHHSOKAYLA?! Rih be like,

MEANWHILE! In TRUE fan news, MORE DETAILS have emerged about Rih’s NEW ALBUM! AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! So like, apparently she’s still hard at work on her eighth MASTERPIECE, but the latest word is that she’s getting some songs from Charli XCX, who is a really cool, fashionable Brit who made “Fancy” listenable and also did “Boom Clap” for the cancer movie of the summer! This is GREAT news because everything that Ms. XCX does is so cool and fun, and also we can imagine she would jump at the chance to hang out and write songs for her eternal goddess and elder, MS. FENTY!

Also, Rihanna (wearing her actor hat!) is soon to follow-up her star turn as Petty Officer Cora “Weps” Raikes in Battleship, and it’s official! No, not the Bond girl rumors, which we will confirm the absolute SECOND we hear more. No, Rihzihzy is about to portray the lead in Home, an animated 3D film about aliens! And guess who plays her mom? JENNIFER LOPEZ! Have we died and gone to mother-child heaven? It’s even directed by the guy who did Antz!

HERE’S A MAJORLY HOT TIP: set your alarm clocks for Tuesday, November 11, at 7 PM Eastern time, because Rihanna, always thinking about her fellow man, will be performing in a “Concert for Valor” and honoring our country’s war veterans! The concert will air on HBO and she will perform alongside people like Eminem and Tom Hanks! Here is the trailer as a reminder.