Reviews of the New Conservative Dating App Are Really Sad

When Fox News darling ​​Ryann McEnany first corralled her fellow conservatives to try the invite-only, no-pronouns-necessary “The Right Stuff” dating app, Jezebel’s Emily Leibert wrote that she would “die alone” before ever opening it. Conservative women must have felt the same way, as not many of them appear to have opened it either.

After a month on the market, the first wave of reviews—which range from sad to hilarious to absolutely deranged—show conservative men (one of whom has only been a widower for two days!!!) realizing that the echo chamber dating app is actually quite… empty. With hardly a single female user in sight, these MAGA-bros are left to wallow in the pity of their gun-loving, allegedly God-fearing solitude. And for those who paid for the premium subscription—a privilege that’s free for the (nonexistent) ladies who join the app—they’re out a couple of bucks, too. So much for an investment of a lifetime.

As Gizmodo reports, of the almost 200 reviews on Apple’s App Store, about 60 users have given the app a one-star review. Their complaints seem to circle the same few themes: (1) that there seem to be no ladies in sight (“I don’t know, maybe this app is bugged?”); (2) that the FBI has showed up to their houses because of how they answered prompts about January 6th (“they got a call alleging that I was involved in domestic terrorism???”); and (3) that the users aren’t actually conservative enough, goddammit!! (“There are conservatives out there who aren’t Christian. I hate this app”).

While some of these reviews (which may or may not be written by bots) deserve a pity chuckle, and others could garner a vaguely sympathetic “aww” from me on a good day, my honest inclination is to ask these truck-riding, flag-wearing men: My guy, my brother in Christ, what did you think would happen? When you cheer on men who call women too ugly to get pregnant and idolize those who are downright stupefied by the concept of a wet pussy, did you really expect women to flock to you like you were Jesus Christ himself?

While I have no evidence whatsoever to back this up, it wouldn’t be out of reality’s reach to think that maybe, just maybe, in a post-Roe America, right-leaning women are realizing that touting right-wing politics really does have real-life ramifications. It happened with pro-life Republicans. Even dads—yes, America’s fathers—are headed leftward in droves, following suburban white women’s leads. But maybe that’s just wishful thinking. Maybe they just haven’t gotten an invite yet.

Whatever the case may be, it seems like these befuddled men may be in for a lonely cuffing/divorce season.