The Question Remains: Would You Bone an Alien?

Every couple of years, we get some new report, whistleblower, or grainy black-ops video of something that looks like an ultrasound of an IUD flying through a cervix and are informed that aliens have once again been confirmed real. The latest declaration came on Wednesday during a Congressional UFO hearing. David Grusch, a former military intelligence officer for 14 years in the Air Force and National Geospatial Intelligence Agency, told lawmakers that aliens are real, physically in the government’s possession, and obviously being kept a secret. (The Pentagon has not confirmed or denied but, in the past, they have always denied.)

“If you believe we have crashed craft, as stated earlier, do we have the bodies of the pilots who piloted this craft?” Rep. Nancy Mace (R-SC) asked Grusch, who said, “Biologics came with some of these recoveries, yeah.”

“Um, were they, I guess, human or non-human biologics?” Mace followed up. Grusch confirmed they were “non-human” and that this is according to
the “assessment of the people with direct knowledge of the program I talked to, that are currently still in the program.” Good enough for me!

The subcommittee also heard from Ryan Graves, a former Navy pilot who’s spoken about UFOs, and David Fravor, a retired Navy commander who saw something off the coast of California in 2004 that was captured in the infamous “Tic Tac” video.

This all comes four years after the New York Times published a lengthy story about the Navy pilots who filed reports on objects over the East Coast that “had no visible engine or infrared exhaust plumes, but that they could reach 30,000 feet and hypersonic speeds.” Hot.

At the time, Jezebel asked, “Would U Bone an Alien?” And I would argue, now that the existence of aliens has been confirmed even harder, that this question is more crucial and pressing than ever—and I’d like to put it to a vote.

I realize the question is complicated and requires several layers of consideration. What form might the aliens take? Are they a huge fucking blob of matter with starfish hands like in Arrival? Are they an inside-out human with a Mike-and-Ike-shaped head and, probably, a very satisfying tongue like the xenomorphs in Alien? Are they made of scales? Slime? Dark matter? Stardust?! Would they know where to put it? Does their species even procreate?? Would I, personally, bone a giant inside-out human with starfish hands who’s made of stardust? Definitely. Would I bone a blob of slime? I would be less excited but also, yeah, probably.

A quick informal Slack poll of the Jezebel staff shows that the majority of us (minus one, lone staffer) agree: We would fuck aliens in most if not all circumstances. Editor-in-Chief Laura Bassett’s initial response was, “yes, if he looks like Alan Tudyk,” though she later admitted she’d probably do it even if it didn’t look like Tudyk. Staff writer Kylie Cheung agreed: “even if ugly/disgusting im not above doing it for the bit…”

“I’m not picky,” said Audra Heinrichs. “I just want to be moved by someone. And if that’s literal teleportation or whatever, I’m down!”

Emily Leibert noted that her standard for fucking an alien would be the same for fucking a human: They just have to have read “at least one book other than Elon Musk’s memoir.” Hear, hear!

Now, you tell us. If a peaceful (fingers crossed!) merging of our species with extraterrestrials is right around the corner…you bangin?