An Extremely Pressing Question Now That Aliens Are Real: Would You Bone One?

Illustration for article titled An Extremely Pressing Question Now That Aliens Are Real: Would You Bone One?
Screenshot: Universal Pictures

Perhaps it’s a sign that the media churn cycle has reached maximum saturation, and now consists of 10,000 monkeys on typewriters writing think pieces about The Hills reboot—but I do not understand why we are collectively freaking out about the fact that aliens are quite possibly, perhaps definitely to make it interesting, real?


On Tuesday, the New York Times chronicled a series of reports filed by pilots who, while participating in training regiments on the East Coast between Virginia and Florida, spotted what they describe as explained flying objects. According to the Times: “The objects had no visible engine or infrared exhaust plumes, but that they could reach 30,000 feet and hypersonic speeds.”

No one is explicitly saying that the objects are spaceships; indeed the roster of experts quoted in the piece throw out a handful of suggestions to skirt around the whole alien thing. But seeing as we’re talking about a particularly alien-averse group—the Times, the Department of Defense—I’m going to view the article’s subtext, particularly the quote of one military intelligence officer who called the reports “a striking series of incidents,” as confirmation of the imminent arrival of extraterrestrials. And we probably don’t have much time, since the incidents have been reported since 2014, so let’s ask the important questions. Namely: Would you do an alien?

Like all life-altering events, we won’t have much information until the invasion is upon us: It’s gonna be a game time decision. Like the sometimes-gunky, sometimes-molten interior of a box of chocolates, it’s impossible to say what corporeal form these extra visitors might take. We might be talking aliens of the smooth, scaly sort; they might boast the large muscles of the predators from the Alien movies, or the cute waddle of an E.T.-type creature. Perhaps we’re in for soft plumed fur like other extremely Phuckable candidates. Or, this might be a case of duck penis.

Since the moment for decisions is now, Jezebel weighed in:

Julianne Escobedo Shepherd: I would fuck any alien.

Jennifer Perry: Too risky. I like sex simple. With humans.

Lisa Fischer: Would rather bone that alien than Jeremy Renner.

Kelly Faircloth: I’m likely a Would Not, because this definitely sounds like how you contract an incredibly gnarly untreatable intergalactic STD.

Clover Hope: Unfort I can’t generalize the aliens. They come in diff varieties, which would affect my choice.

Anna Merlan: Wow I would NOT. That’s how they implant stuff in you!!!

Libby Watson: I mean he’d have to woo me but...

Barry Petchesky: I’m going to say no. I feel like the interspecies taboo is way way too strong. I mean, there are some really pretty animals out there and I would not have sex with any of them.


Dan McQuade: The only alien I know is ALF. So, no, I would not have sex with ALF.

Watson: Now Barry is making me look like a pervert for coming out strong with a yes.


McQuade: What is a “pretty” animal, then, Barry?

Petchesky: A swan? That’s pretty. A Siberian husky? Pretty.

Albert Burneko: Like if it’s a Hot Blue Person, yeah, I’ll bone an alien, sure.

Megan Reynolds: With this in mind, I might not?

Ever the overachiever, Reynolds followed up with privately messaged clarification:

If presented with the option of having sex with an alien, I would have to think a few things through. Do aliens have genitals like humans do? Are aliens capable of ejaculation or orgasm? If the answers to the first two questions are “yeah” and “ugh, yeah”, then what will happen to ME if an alien jizzes in or around my human body? Some have posited that an alien/human hybrid will save the galaxy, but I am of the mind that the child of my possible unholy union with an alien would kill me dead. Naturally, I’d want to see the dick first, just to weigh my options, but then if I decide the dick is good and worthy, I’m pretty sure I’d die upon ejaculation, but the baby inside me would eventually emerge nine months later; as soon as the infant was removed from my womb, my body would shatter into a million pieces. A mother’s sacrifice.


With that said, I would not. But I’d ask to see the dick, politely.

Now that the invasion is practically upon us, it’s time to ask yourself: Would U?




I like the assumption that we’ll have any choice in the matter. Any encounter we have with aliens will probably end up more like Ms. Rafferty’s experience than anything remotely pleasant.