The Pill Makes You Pick A Loving Mate Who's Bad In Bed

It’s time to update that old song about getting an “ugly girl to marry you.” Apparently the key to being happy for the rest of your life is to go on the pill, find a less attractive dude, and engage in some mediocre sex. Though, there’s also a chance that you’ll eventually grow tired of hooking up with your ugly mate, so you’re pretty much screwed either way.

A recent study of 2,519 women in United States, Czech Republic, Britain, and Canada with at least one child found that those who were on the pill when they started dating their partner usually stayed in the relationship longer, but chose less handsome men who aren’t great in bed. Lead author Craig Roberts of Stirling University, Scotland explains that women who are on the pill when they meet their partner,

“May, on average, be less satisfied with the sexual aspects of their relationship but more so with non-sexual aspects. Overall, women who met their partner on the Pill had longer relationships — by two years on average — and were less likely to separate.”

But, eventually these women grow tired of a life of stability and bad sex. The study says,

“Women who used oral contraception when they met their partner tended to find him less attractive, engaged in compliant sex and rejected sexual advances more frequently as the relationship progressed, and were more likely to initiate separation if it occurred.”

Previously, Roberts has found that during ovulation, women who aren’t on hormonal contraception prefer the smell of men who are genetically dissimilar, possibly because mixing up the gene pool makes healthier babies. Since hormonal levels even out when you’re on the pill, and tend to resemble the non-fertile phase of the menstrual cycle, Roberts says women may be subconsciously picking men who are “more caring and reliable — good dads.”

Roberts is so confident in these results that he suggests women try switching to condoms before making a commitment. He says:

“Choosing a non-hormonal barrier method of contraception for a few months before getting married might be one way for a woman to check or reassure herself that she’s still attracted to her partner.

It’s really the only way to confirm that your relationship is more than an Ortho Tri-Cyclen-fueled infatuation.