The New Girl Scout Cookie Has Some Wack-Ass Vitamins in It

The above little fancy pastry pushers will be hounding you later this month with their addictive Tagalongs, their ooey, gooey Samoas, and their sweet, sweet Thin Mints. Nobody is immune to these charms of these cookies — not even unattractive terrible person Ryan Gosling.

Unfortunately, I’m gonna have to call bullshit on the GSC’s latest cookie debut. The new Mango Creme Girl Scout cookies are basically Oreos, but instead of a vanilla cream center, there’s a mango-flavored cream center (duh), and instead of chocolate sandwich cookies, there are coconut sandwich cookies. Right off the bat, that just doesn’t sound that great. Fake mango flavor is never anything that should be eaten, and sandwich cookies are usually tasteless pucks.

But the truly grotesque part is that the new cookie features Nutrifusion™, a high fructose corn syrup substitute, made of palm oil and whole food concentrates. Yum.

These crunchy vanilla and coconut cookies with a mango-flavored crème filling have all the nutrient benefits of eating cranberries, pomegranates, oranges, grapes, and strawberries. This exciting innovation brings “better for you” benefits to Girl Scouts and is the first cookie of its kind.

The cookies are stuffed with Vitamin B1, A, C, D, E and B6 because who needs to eat cranberries, pomegranates, oranges, grapes, and strawberries, when you can eat processed chemical cookie-like product instead?

Listen to me now and hear me later, this is the type of thing that’s gonna throw your eight year old boy into menopause before his tenth birthday. I guess we should just be happy they don’t have Olestra in them, that way his butt won’t fall out of his butt. It’s the American Industrial Food-Like-Product Complex in action, my friends!

Maybe I’m wrong, maybe what America has been clamoring for is more Diet Cookie-Style Cookie-Product Cardboard with Added Dryness and Nutrifusion™ from their Girl Scout Cookies? Lunchables are still a thing, so I can say with one hundred percent certainty that Laura Don’t Know Jack. I guess only time, and cookie sale$$$, will tell. Good luck, ladies.