The Most WTF Moments From Sydney Leathers' Insufferable Sexting Guide

Sydney Leathers wears a lot of hats lately — internet mistress, bikini model, XM radio muse, profesh masturbator — but until now, I bet you didn’t realize that she was also a terrible writer.

Leathers’ musings on ~~existence and mortality in a civilization increasingly alienated from the raw savagery of nature~~ sexting with politicians can be found on — where else? — XOJane (It Happened To Me: I Made Some Morally Questionable Decisions And Am Now Incredibly Defensive About Them And Simultaneously Trying to Exact Revenge On A Man Who Didn’t Buy Me That Condo He Promised). Because my brain feels like it just consumed the literary equivalent of five pounds of circus peanuts dipped in Tabasco sauce and then forced to ride a Tilt-A-Whirl 6 times, I’m not going to parse much of what she wrote. I’ll just let Miss Leathers speak for herself. Here are the most WTF moments from a WTF piece about a WTF situation. Enjoy.

On Teenage Girls And Their Emotional Bullshit:

Basically, pretend like you’re dating the middle school version of yourself. Like the prepubescent horny teenage girl with all these emotions. Lovey dovey bullshit, basically. Little stuff like “I’m thinking about you” or “I miss you.”

On Flirting:

Think of it this way: He’s an actual politician. You have to be a flirting politician.

On Staying Out of Trouble Online:

…he “poked” me out of nowhere on Facebook and said he was “sorry for letting me down.” I love that he poked me. When “Inside Edition” asked me what “poking” was, I told them, “Yeah, it’s a button on Facebook you push if you want to fuck someone.” I’ve deactivated Facebook since then. It’s trouble.

On Infidelity/Ninja-Level Logic:

As far as Huma and his son, those are not my choices, and I was just one of many of Anthony’s women. I don’t believe there is some “sister’s code.” That’s a lie. Otherwise, infidelity wouldn’t exist.

On Feminism:

To Maureen Dowd and every other woman who thinks she knows anything about me — or anything about feminism for that matter — you don’t.

On Dick Pics:

Also, for the record, I didn’t ask for any dick pictures. He brought it up first. And then I acted uninterested and then he acted shy and it was this thing that was a drug for a while. He even told me that he was nervous. And then he sent it and said, “If this gets out anywhere, I will know that you did it.” How sexy is that? That’s a total turn on. He actually labeled the first one “For Syd.” How sweet. The other one was called “Hangin’.”

OK, real quick: “Hangin’.” That’s hilarious.

On Sugar Daddies:

At the same time as my Anthony affair, I did have a guy who was sending me money. He would PayPal me sometimes. Like, “Here’s 600 bucks.” I never hooked up with him, I just sent him some photos. I felt like I needed to. He was always like “I don’t want you to feel like you owe me.” He was a bored, rich man.

So definitely: Find a horny non-politician to finance your politician sexting.

On Selfies:

With selfies, you can take them wherever. Embarrassingly some were in my bathroom but a lot were in the bed because that was the sexy thing to do. And I would intentionally wear heels in bed. Do things that aren’t normal.

On Being a Bad Person:

Why does having a sexting affair with a married man or even doing porn make someone a “bad person”? Give me a break. I’m not a war criminal. I’m a human being who has made certain choices, some of which involve my sexuality.

Yes, I’ve made thousands of dollars from sugar daddies.

So?

Maybe I’m being too hard on Sydney Leathers. After all, as she wrote (I think?), Anthony Weiner is the biggest dick in this clusterfuck. He’s the married one. Sydney Leathers didn’t make any promises to anyone. And, as my coworker Katie pointed out in defense of Leathers, her refusal to go away means that Weiner’s career is dead in the water; as long as the public sees and hears about what a slimeball he is, he couldn’t even win an election in Italy, much less the US of A. Still, Leathers’ actions are hurtful to people who did nothing wrong — like Weiner’s wife and son — and therefore, if you believe that hurting people is wrong, flaunting those actions and causing collateral emotional damage in the process is immoral. Just because Anthony Weiner is a bigger jerk doesn’t mean that Sydney Leathers is not also a jerk, and the defensive, incoherent, and transparently wounded tone of the XOJane piece doesn’t do her any favors. It reads like an artless attempt at embodying Gillian Flynn’s “Cool Girl.”