What did the stars have in store for the stars this month? Are you maybe behaving in similarly inspirational or deeply wack and self-destructive ways? The Most Ridiculous Thing Your Sign Did This Month explains all.
Aries: Mariah Carey announced a European Christmas tour
Mariah Carey, the Aries to rule all Aries, continues to bank on the 1994 Christmas staple “All I Want For Christmas Is You,” announcing yet another tour for the song—this year in Europe. Aries are known for their adventurous spirit, passion, and determination. As the sign of the self, they appreciate being recognized for their individuality. Aries is a boss and a leader, and 24 years later, Mariah still owns Christmas. She is the only person who could ever sing that song, and I’m pretty sure she’s headed oversees to put that punk little kid from Love Actually in her place.
Taurus: Alexis Ohanian texting Serena Williams to ask about her edges
Taurus is a sign that prefers to keep things simple. They appreciate romance, working hard, and contributing to a group. Yet, ruled by Venus, they care about beauty! When Twitter attempted to push Alexis Ohanian, Taurean husband of Serena Williams, for information about Williams’s beauty routine, he was really trying to be helpful! He posted screenshots of his texts asking her: “Why are your edges so good? Women on Twitter been asking me.” Unfortunately for us, Serena isn’t dropping her beauty secrets just yet.
Gemini: Paul McCartney talking about masturbating with John Lennon
Geminis always come through with the hot goss: A GQ profile of Paul McCartney that was released on 9/11 revealed that he held a circle jerk with John Lennon and three friends in which they sat around in the dark and yelled out the names of hotties for inspiration, like Brigitte Bardot and Winston Churchill. If you want the full scoop, ask a Gemini. They’ve got fun stories and lack fear of consequences.
Cancer: Post Malone continues to survive fate
The universe is attacking our Cancerian prince! After surviving an emergency plane landing in August, Post Malone got in a near-fatal car crash in September. Following the plane incident, he tweeted “can’t believe how many people wished death on me on this website. fuck you. but not today” and then followed the car accident with “god must hate me lol”. Cancers are known for their kind and compassionate nature, but they are also sensitive, easily hurt, and hold grudges! Post Malone is fully entitled to beef with the cosmos for the ringer he’s been put through.
Leo: Cole Sprouse posting Lili Reinhart tasteful nudes for her birthday
Leos are known for their big hearts and ability to spread warmth, hence Cole Sprouse’s loving birthday tribute to his Virgo girlfriend Lili Reinhart! They’re also known for bragging, showing off, and vanity, hence the desire to post her hot, sophisticated nudes. The refined Leo creativity shines through in the film grain.
Virgo: Lil Xan overdosing on hot Cheetos
Lil Xan is possibly the least-Virgo Virgo of all the Virgos. They’re known for caring about their health and monitoring what goes into their bodies. Yet, Lil Xan somehow managed to vomit blood from eating way too many hot Cheetos.
Libra: Cardi B throwing a shoe at Nicki Minaj
Libra is a sign that avoids conflict, but Cardi B put off her feud with Nicki Minaj so long that honestly it was about time someone threw a shoe. After all, Libras are all about justice! Libras dislike fighting for the sake of fighting, and Cardi B put off acknowledging Nicki’s subtweets and disses for so long. (She even said she didn’t want to be the queen of rap!) And then Nicki, a shit talking Sagittarius, had to bring Cardi’s child into it, at which point Cardi’s Aries moon showed up to brawl. Reminder: Libra is ruled by Venus—do not try to attack their loved ones!
Scorpio: Drake texting Millie Bobby Brown
So apparently Drake, 31, Scorpio, has been texting Millie Bobby Brown, 14, Pisces, about boys. Horrified? Yeah, that makes sense! Is there something we can blame the stars for here? Sure! Scorpios are opinionated, suspicious, and protective of the people in their lives. On top of that, they love secrets. I imagine Drake, enjoying his down time, perhaps sneaking in some casual texts while waiting for a plane to take off, just absolutely soaking up the dirt on Jacob Sartorius.
Sagittarius: Kaley Cuoco’s mini horse at her wedding
Kaley Cuoco revealed that there was a mishap at her wedding when her miniature horse Smooshy nearly fucked up the wedding procession. Clearly on some overdramatic Sagittarius shit, Cuoco had all of her animals precede her in her walk down the aisle. Sagittarians are known for an adventurous spirit, a love of animals and the outdoors, and are actually represented by the centaur! Should have had a miniature centaur at the wedding.
Capricorn: John Legend EGOT
Capricorns dream big and work hard, and this month John Legend broke a huge barrier when he became the first African-American man to EGOT! (I know what you’re thinking—who cares about the T? It was for Jitney.) Who knows, who cares. The point is that John Legend is accomplishing his Capricorn dreams, devoting his life to his work, climbing the mountain of ambition with his little seagoat hooves. And I say hey! What a wonderful kind of day!
Aquarius: Alex Borstein Best Supporting Actress acceptance without a bra
Aquarians are known for their honesty, candidness, and and strong individualism. When Alex Borstein won the Best Supporting Actress Emmy, her acceptance speech showed peak Aquarius humor with a strut to the stage and jokes about going braless in a wedding dress from a since-failed marriage. Aquarius is also a sign known for their humanitarian traits and ability to stand up for themselves! Alex Borstein thanked no men except her father—a mood.
Pisces: Rashida Jones had a baby with Ezra Koenig
Perfect sunflower and Pisces Rashida Jones somehow managed to have an entire child with Ezra Koenig, Vampire Weekend lead singer and Aries, without any of us finding out. Pisces are creative and sensitive, which could explain her desire to shield her baby from the horrors of constant coverage—like this? Yeah, like this. They are also escapists who prefer to hide from negativity rather than face it head-on. It makes sense that Rashida wouldn’t want to deal with invasive speculation about her pregnancy! And given that Ezra is an impulsive Aries, this decision may have happened on a whim anyways! Leave Rashida, our beautiful, tropical fish, alone!
Correction: A previous version of this identified Offset as an Aries. He is a Sagittarius, obviously. We regret the error
What will next month hold for the stars? More weird shit and drama, is my guess. Stay tuned!
Courtney Perkins is a comedy writer and memelord living in Los Angeles. You can find more of her work @notallgeminis.