What did the stars have in store for the stars this month? Are you maybe behaving in similarly inspirational or deeply wack and self-destructive ways? The Most Ridiculous Thing Your Sign Did This Month explains all.
ARIES: Kourtney and Kim drama
So Kourtney Kardashian, an Aries, has been feuding with Kim, queen of the Libras, and swearing she doesn’t want to be a part of the Kardashian gang. This comes in response to some choice words from Kim, who she felt the need to kick Kourtney out of a photoshoot by whining that she was “fucking annoying” and “the least exciting to look at.” I know what you’re thinking, but it doesn’t matter that she’s right. Kourtney reacted in true Aries fashion by crying, yelling, and calling their family “disgusting.” True Aries-Libra dramatics! Aries is direct, honest, and aggro, and takes offense to Libra’s flakiness, assimilation, and passive people-pleasing.
TAURUS: Travis Scott moving his seat away from Nicki Minaj at the VMAs
In response to the Nicki Minaj Twitter drama (look to Sagittarius for more on that), Travis Scott and Kylie Jenner decided to play musical chairs of avoidance at the VMAs. The two moved away from Nicki in the official VMAs seating chart, only to come back and take her seat when she left to perform. A Taurus avoiding conflict with a fiery Sagittarius? Shocking!
GEMINI: Azealia Banks goes on Instagram to trash Elon Musk and Grimes
Azealia Banks continues to live up to the Gemini desire to stir the pot for fun! After spending time at Elon Musk’s house trying to collaborate with Grimes, she posted about of alleged dirt about the couple on her Instagram story. Choices phrases include: “Pabst Blue Ribbon” girlfriend, “beta male pig.” She has since shifted into apology mode and gone off social media. Geminis love verbal sparring and an exciting social life, which usually translates into a love of gossip.
CANCER: Ariana Grande releasing a song called “Pete Davidson”
Ariana, you goddamn sweetheart. Cancer is a soft, romantic sign—easily one of the most sentimental and affectionate signs when in love. So when Ariana Grande writes a song explicitly titled “Pete Davidson,” it’s like, Yeah that checks out.
LEO: Ben Affleck suddenly dates a Playboy model
My favorite vaping Boston boy, Ben Affleck, 46, continues to display his emotional intelligence! After getting dumped from a year-long relationship with Lindsay Shookus, he decided rather quickly start going on dates with 22-year-old Shauna Sexton, a Playboy model and veterinarian technician. Ben, have you learned nothing from the last year? From Jen?! Stop trying to fill that Leo need for love and let yourself grieve a relationship!
VIRGO: Nick Jonas and Priyanka Chopra get engaged
Ridiculous or ridiculously in love?? Nick Jonas and Priyanka Chopra got engaged, and have been documenting their beautiful romance for all of us to enjoy. Their moms love to dance together! They brunch! Her family loves him! They think he is “calm and mature.” Virgo behaviors shining through.
LIBRA: Halsey and G-Eazy breakup, then makeup
Nothing screams Libra-Gemini relationship like breaking up in July and getting back together in August! Air signs are known for their indecision, and honestly? Maybe they belong together! We don’t know! But these 1 OAK pictures tell me that love is real—this month!
SCORPIO: Pete Davidson’s acceptance of his BDE
In an interview with Variety, Pete Davidson was asked about the meme going around that he has big dick energy. “I don’t hate it,” Davidson said. “I’m just really, really happy, and if that means I have big dick energy, then sick.” Scorpios like to keep things mysterious, but they’re also the sign that rules over sex. Davidson answered this in the slyest, most Scorpio, wink-to-the-camera way possible.
SAGITTARIUS: Nicki Minaj’s weird Twitter rant
In Sagittarius news, Nicki Minaj seems kind of mad at a baby, who she says is the reason her album, The Queen, came in second to Travis Scott’s Astroworld on the Billboard 200. She accused Scott and Kylie Jenner of bringing their daughter, Stormi, on tour as a marketing ploy. And... maybe it was? A Sagittarius is honest to a fault—direct, and impatient. Nicki Minaj = Queen of Beefs.
CAPRICORN: Noah Cyrus and Lil Xan giving Billy Ray Cyrus a bong for his birthday
Noah Cyrus, Capricorn, little sister to Miley Cyrus, and her boyfriend, Lil Xan, Virgo, looks like a 16-year-old who asks you to buy him cigarettes, apparently gave Billy Ray Cyrus a bong for his birthday! My first question is why Billy Ray didn’t have one before; my second question is what other Capricorn would have the nerve to give that kind of present to their father, and my third question is did they use it together? They definitely did, right? Capricorns don’t waste money or time, so they must have known this would be a useful gift.
AQUARIUS: Michael B. Jordan challenged Will Smith to a cook off and Gordon Ramsay is going to be the judge, maybe
Aquarians just want to have fun! In the midst of staying at Will Smith’s cabin, Michael B. Jordan decided to raid the pantry and then challenge him to a cook off. He made a video of himself cooking a gorgeous breakfast spread, followed by an invitation to Will Smith to beat him. Gordon Ramsay will judge, and Jada is in full support! Can you imagine a selfie with these four people in it? I love it!
PISCES: Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin doing a crying bike tour around New York City
Look, we all know that Pisces are criers—all empathy and emotional capacity. Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin spent some time biking around New York City and inexplicably crying together, only to later post a super-positive Instagram at the end of the day. What makes this public display of emotion better, to me, is that it took place on Citi Bikes, an incredibly emotional kind of bicycle.
What will next month hold for the stars? More weird shit and drama, is my guess. Stay tuned!
Courtney Perkins is a comedy writer and memelord living in Los Angeles. You can find more of her work @notallgeminis.