Image: Goop

Goop has released their holiday gift guide for the season. Naturally, as an avid Goop reader, I expected to find a cornucopia of festive treats made with real gold, luxury Italian villas to rent with my besties, and bottled unicorn cum to rub on my temples in the morning. All the usual holiday basics, of course! But browsing the assortment of goodies Gwyneth has put together, I have to say I’m a little underwhelmed.

Screenshot: Goop

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For example, I just can’t see myself getting on a helicopter to look at lava with four people. How cramped! Also my friend has this private island with a volcano and I’ve already seen it up close, it’s really nothing to write home about. But it is always such a thrill when I visit, like, oh my god, will it explode?! Such a dance with death, ha. Luckily I paid good money to become immortal thirty years ago, so we’re all good.

Screenshot: Goop

Moving on! Now, unfortunately, I already have several portraits painted of myself, done by a variety of artists over the years. It’s such a shame they all exist in collections at major American art institutions, I’d love for you to see them.

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Screenshot: Goop

A Birkin from...What Goes Around Comes Around? Is that, like, an offshoot brand? The name of Hermès’ secret archives? *Scoffs*

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A village is a little, how should I say it, quaint for my tastes. Some women love the shabby chic look...I can’t be bothered to put in the work. The listing says there’s merely “good” mobile coverage and I just can’t be away from the Stocks app for too long. Mommy needs her apps.

Screenshot: Goop

I pick my fruit from my own backyard... does Gwyneth seriously not do the same as well? I am truly... shocked. Mortified. We can’t all be gifted in the fruit harvesting department, that’s for sure.

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Crystals are too 2017. Right now I’m into tea leaves, sword-throwing, and this ancient art form of cultivating your psychic abilities through smashing quail eggs that I totally can’t tell you about because I had to sign an NDA to try it and, ugh, girls... let me tell you it’s so hard keeping it a secret because I know you’ll just die for it when it’s ready for the masses.

Screenshot: Goop

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Who are these chefs? What are their credentials? Are they willing to take a test for me to get a sense of their knife skills before I hire them? I mean what is this, Craigslist?

Screenshot: Goop

I don’t work out and don’t need to so I can’t relate to... this. Whatever this is.

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I’m not interested in buying artisanal children but find it quite interesting that Goop has included them in their guide. Making a note for my friends, for sure.