This is the umpteenth year that Barbara Walters, despite having sort-of-but-not-exactly retired, has proclaimed that she has finally, finally pinned down the world's most fascinating people. Barbara Walters is lying. She has never highlighted the world's most fascinating people–instead, she has often done quite the opposite. Here are the least fascinating of all her "most fascinating," ranked from most least fascinating to least-least fascinating.
Fascinating in their year? In 1994, Tom Hanks had just come out with Forrest Gump, which, sorry, is a garbage movie that makes me cry. By 1998, he had thankfully remedied things with You've Got Mail. Still, in both years, Hanks never got away from being the ultimate everyman and everymen cannot be fascinating. They are normal and boring and that is good.
Fascinating in their year? Who is Jonathan Lee Iverson? Why, the first black ringmaster of an American circus.
Fascinating now? Iverson spoke at my high school graduation. I remember none of it except thinking, "This is boring."
Fascinating in their year? The creator of the Atkins diet, Robert Atkins became yet another fraud to revolutionize a nation with his unnecessarily dramatic health theories that overcomplicated the idea that you should probably just eat a lot of vegetables.
Fascinating now? Atkins died in 2003 and his company has struggled financially since. Unfortunately for him, he is not more interesting dead.
Fascinating in their year? In 2005, Teri Hatcher had made a big comeback from her days as Lois Lane to star in Desperate Housewives, which became a television sensation. Nice.
Fascinating now? Since Desperate Housewives went off the air in 2012, Teri Hatcher has been doing... what has Teri Hatcher been doing?
Fascinating in their year? Another man who seems pretty nice, Tobey Maguire was ostensibly picked by Babs because he had taken the role of Spider-Man in 2002. Those movies did very well, financially-speaking, and were (as I recall) pretty well-reviewed. Like many other very popular comics turned into movies!
Fascinating now? Where is Tobey Maguire now? Playing poker and becoming a vegan.
Fascinating in their year? Queer Eye, one could argue, was groundbreaking television in that it actually showed gay men being gay men.
Fascinating now? How time flies.
Fascinating in their year? Media tycoon or not, old rich white men are by definition the least fascinating people around.
Fascinating now? Since this list came out, Diller married Diane von Furstenberg, upping his fascinating factor considerably. Otherwise, his status as an old white man has not changed.
Fascinating in their year? John Ramsey's daughter JonBenét Ramsey was murdered in 1996; John was the one who found her body in their basement. Ten years after her murder, JonBenét's killer was identified–for a moment. Sad stuff. Just as sad as the many, many other people who were probably killed that year whose lives got no coverage whatsoever because they were not blonde, white pageant kids.
Fascinating now? JonBenét mystery remains unsolved, which is mildly interesting, if you continue to think that this one case deserves more attention than, for example, the many people who have died because of our fucked up world.
Barbara has trotted out these fools at random depending on whatever year each one was in the news more. We live in America, Babs. Who gives a fuck.
Fascinating in their year? In 2007, Don Imus got in trouble because he was a racist.
Fascinating now? Don Imus is still a racist. Racists are not fascinating.
Barbara Walters Presents: The 10 Most Fascinating People of 2014 airs Sunday night at 9 pm on ABC
Images Getty and AP