The Insane Rachel Maddow Interview To End All Interviews

Vanity Fair‘s Rachel Maddow Q&A, conducted by the notorious George Wayne, manages to be so offensive and lacking in actual information that it makes my parody of such interviews look completely normal.

I mean, let’s take Wayne’s third question (mine was about the Afghanistan war):

G.W.: Now here you are, the most famous television dyke, well, since Dinah Shore!

I mean, I’ll say anything for a laugh, but even I wouldn’t go there.

Then Wayne gets all obsequious about how smart Maddow is, quizzes her about other cable anchors who she doesn’t watch because she doesn’t have a television and ends up here:

G.W.: So, Miss “Cable Queen” as Vogue calls you, do you suffer from any paraphilia?
R.M.: Paraphilia?
G.W.: Listen to this saucy pendant! Paraphilia is having a rare erotic fetish. Perhaps you may indulge in eproctophilia?
R.M.: Duh?
G.W.: Darling! Eproctophiliacs are those sexually turned on by farts and farting!
R.W.: That word actually exists?
G.W.: It is the current rage of high society in jolly, kinky London. G.W. will admit to his Caesarophilia — erotic fascination with royalty. Especially that redhead Prince Harry. G.W. has been fantasizing more than ever of tossing that royal salad. I would floss every strand of that red burr to perfection.

If Wayne weren’t widely known to be actually this batshit crazy, I would bow in deference to a parodist without equal.

But none of it really compares to his sign-off:

G.W.: By the way, before your Peacock Network makeover, didn’t you have a dyke-stache?
R.M.: A what?
G.W.: Facial hair over your lip-a dyke-stache.
R.M.: I never had facial hair in my life.
G.W.: Thank you for that clarification, darling.

Support groups for those who now need to bleach their brains will be meeting at local New York City drinking establishments this evening.