Did you know that the World Cup is full of hotties? Because it is full of hotties, as evidenced by the almost epidemic boom from zero to ubiquity of the Hot World Cup Player List, as put out by every single outlet in America. As a public service, we've put together the definitive list of definitive lists of hot World Cup players, and sort of ranked them.
The Daily Beast
All of the soccer hotties are fully clothed, not in motion, and posed for their official team photos, which anyone could find by just spending a few hours perusing FIFA's World Cup website. Um, do u even Getty?
Half-assed, guys. Half-assed.
Verdict: Needs more hugging.
OUT OF THEIR UNIFORMS! brags the tagline. But, it turns out, "out of their uniforms" usually means suits, and sometimes while making a confused "Not Ready For Picture" facial expression that characterizes paparazzi shots which, while attractive on the right person, are nowhere near as attractive as athletes in uniform. And the rest is cheesy underwear shots.
Verdict: Needs more Mario Balotelli.
If you're a Face Girl Who Doesn't Really Care About Soccer (or Face Guy who Likes Guys And Doesn't Really Care About Soccer), then this is your list. Very clear photographs of several soccer stars' handsome visages with no text explaining the person's significance besides their name. Bonus: you can just scroll through rather than click through, which is nice.
Verdict: Needs more Thomas Mueller quadriceps.
Downside: it's another fucking slideshow. Upside: the captions actually give you more information about the player beyond their name and country. Second downside to that upside: most of the information is: THIS PERSON IS HOT.
Verdict: Needs more Hulk/Neymar, but reimagined as a sexy crime fighting duo.
People's 11-item slide show is the most disappointing of the World Cup soccer player slide shows, because it reads like whoever put it together was really mad about having to do it so they just read a bunch of other lists and picked a few of the guys off them. Sort of like how "COMICS TO WATCH" lists are made. Some of the photos, in fact, are the exact photos used by other hot soccer player lists. There has to be more than one good photo of Cristiano Ronaldo or Sergio Ramos.
Verdict: Needs more Netherlands. And I do mean... nether... lands.
Pro: there are 50 different players on this list. Con: they're kind of boring. Is there a rule that every SEXY WORLD CUP SOCCER PLAYERS 2014 list needs to start with France's Olivier Giroud and his mini-bouffant?
Verdict: Needs more sad Pedro Rodriguez.
Horny good time gal ladymags really need to step it up, because ABC News — ABC NEWS! — has put together the greatest hot soccer player feature of all time. It's a bracket that allows fans to vote on who is the hottest soccer player in all of the land. So what if the actual World Cup won't be single-elimination for weeks? And so what if the bracket has some pretty idiotic pairings (Fernando Torres vs. Ronaldo in round one? HULK COMPLETELY MISSING? HULK SMASH!)? It's the most imaginative and fun way to tackle perv-watching the World Cup I've seen this time around.
Verdict: Could use more ponytail.
MTV follows the standard practice of World Cup Soccer Hottie Listing, which post a whole mess o' photos with little description of what the player actually does along with a double entendre laden caption. At least they picked one player per team.
Verdict: Needs more Xabi.
Sydney Morning Herald
Another list that starts out with Giroud, but this loses me early. At Wayne Rooney.
He's a great player, but no. SMH indeed.
Verdict: Needs more Maxim Choupo-Moting.
The UK tabloid's rundown of soccer hotties is so Brit football slang-heavy that it's likely dizzying to anyone who doesn't speak British. But the upside here is that the horndog who wrote about the players actually knows what they're talking about.
Verdict: Needs more patriotism.
Who could possibly have guessed that the magazine whose website recently posted an article about how to work out so you're strong enough to wear a ball gown without collapsing with exhaustion would have put together a really dumb list of hot World Cup soccer players?
Like other cliched hottie list offenders, this list starts with France's Olivier Giroud and contains Cristiano Ronaldo and Gerard Pique. It also includes Neymar and Keisuke Honda and.... Lionel Messi. It's a disaster.
Verdict: Needs more Nigeria-Iran.
Images via Getty