Today, intrepid Twitter user @innesmck noted that a brand new house was available for digital tours on real estate platform Redfin. “Don’t want to spoil the surprises but new weird house just dropped,” they wrote.
It was so much weirder than I could have imagined.
Inside, viewers click through the first set of photographs, which feature an all-white house with black fixtures, floor-to-ceiling coffins in the living room, and a plethora of Raiders football paraphernalia in the kitchen. Upstairs leads into what can only be described as the set for a mid-tier vampire porn flick, with rosaries lining the bedroom walls, ceiling mirrors, a (sex????) television, and even more mirrors.
Downstairs, the basement tells a more ominous tale. It’s sparse and insulated, with just a singular set of leather armchairs, and a TV on the wall. I wonder what happened down there! Outside, the backyard features a cemetery, skeleton garage mural, and so much more spooky goodness.
Excited to show off this truly legendary Baltimore home, I emailed the agent, asking: “I recently came across your listing at [redacted], and was wondering if we could use the photos included in the listing for an article on our website.” An innocuous permissions request, really. I did not ask for an interview nor did I pry about the owner, since I think the house is iconic and I love it just the way it is. The agent then informed me he would ask the photographer and so I waited.
By the afternoon, I was stunned to see that Slate had nabbed an interview with the agent. It’s quite sizeable as interviews go, at least for something as banal as a house listing in Baltimore. I won’t say I felt cheated, because that would be ridiculous, but I did wonder why I’d never heard back from the agent. Then, as if my wish came true, his response landed in my inbox with a wet thud louder than any noises that basement has heard: “I spoke to my broker and we prefer to stay away from political publications. Thanks for your interest but we have to decline.”
Do these people not read Slate?
So that solves it, then. Jezebel dot com is officially too political to write about the photos of a house with a vampire sex-dungeon aesthetic, lest I don’t know, things like feminism sully the pristine black sheets and football trophies. Thank you.