The Goopiest Lines From Perhaps the Goopiest Goop Profile Ever

Chavie Lieber, a writer for Racked, has taken a look at Goop, Gwyneth Paltrow’s sole job for 2015. Lieber has truly done more than taken a look—she’s captured Goop in its very essence, stringing words together until they wrap you in a warm cashmere blanket of Goopiness, until you can hear Gwyneth Paltrow softly whispering sweet nothings your ear, the scent of her expensive perfume surrounding you as it lulls you into a deep trance.

There’s a soft breeze blowing through a Los Angeles canyon one summer afternoon…

Oh yeahhhhhh there we go. Feel that breeze. Isn’t LA nice?

Over on a shady spot of grass, two 20-something women from the photo and social team are perfecting an Instagram shot for a gut cleanse giveaway.

Ahhh I wonder what filter they went with. Can’t you just feel the warmth on my neck as you shield your iPhone screen from the slightly harsh glare of the sun? This “revolutionary program to restore the body’s natural ability to heal itself” needs to be presented in exactly the right way.

Once the meeting comes to a close, everyone makes their way back inside Goop HQ, a barn owned by Gwyneth Paltrow, the award-winning actress-turned-wellness mogul who founded Goop as a newsletter in 2008.

Mmmmmm a barn.

The barn, complete with soaring ceilings and rustic wood floors, is tucked away from the canyon’s main road, nestled among blooming hydrangea bushes.

Ommmmmmmmmmm.

Inside, there’s a bookshelf with volumes arranged by color, as well as a whimsical spiral staircase and a small nook of an attic that holds racks of designer clothing; the whole place smells like essential oils.

Uh oh.

What kind of essential oils?!

PLEASE EXPAND.

They aren’t in it for world, or even market, domination—they just want to build a viable business, espousing the benefits of colonics, aerial yoga, and raw coconut cream along the way.

Yessss raw coconut cream. This is what calm feels like.

Read the full profile here, which is a thorough look at Goop’s plans for the future in the crowded world of celebrity lifestyle brands, should that be the kind of warm cashmere blanket you’d like to wrap yourself in.