The Good, the Bad, the Fucked-Up and the Insanely Ugly of the Met Gala

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Last night, the Metropolitan Museum of Art and Vogue threw the annual spring gala, celebrating the Costume Institute's exhibition, "PUNK: Chaos to Couture." It was a fashion freakshow, complete with crazy couture, deranged hair and mad makeup. If you're ready to see celebrities go over the fucking top, you've come to the right place.

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Let's just get this out of the way: Kim and Kanye were there. Her dress is fine. Does it have matching gloves or is it just a giant onesie? No matter. Not great, but springy and flattering. The planet will continue to spin. Just breathe.

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Doing the classic, traditional tux: Christoph Walz, Andy Cohen, Nikolaj Coster-Waldau. Handsome, all around.

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Très slick: Sebastian Stan, Miguel, Eddie Redmayne.

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Trying to funk it up: Zachary Quinto, Tyson Beckford, Hamish Bowles (check the safety pins and nail polish!) and Psy.

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Complimentary couples: Tommy and Dee Hilfiger, Hilaria and Alec Baldwin, Pharell Williams and Helen Lasichanh.

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Sharper than a punk kid's razor blade necklace: Gerard Butler; Alexander Skarsgard and Italo Zucchelli.

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So even though the show is punk, it wasn't actually a requirement to dress like Sid Vicious. While some folks scrambled to find studded shit, Anna Wintour and daughter Bee just went for elegant New York spring gala. Snicker.

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Some people managed to combine light, fresh spring looks with punk. Rooney Mara, for instance.

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And Nicole Richie. Love the shocking grey: Half Marie Antoinette, half Miss Havisham.

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Sienna Miller also tried to to do a springy white version of punk — slinky gown with studded MC jacket and studs in her hair — but she looks like an uptown lady who raided her teenage son's closet.

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Gwen Stefani is all, psssh, I've been doing this so long I barely even have to try.

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For some, heavy eyeliner = punk. Case in point: Emmy Rossum.

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But perhaps most epic of all, when it comes to springtime punk: Sarah Jessica Parker, in a Philip Treacy mohawk headdress. The gown is Giles Deacon.

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More soft and light: Hailee Steinfeld, all safety-pinned up, but in a girly way. (It's Donna Karan Atelier.)

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Katie Holmes ignored the punk theme and aimed for angelic Joey Potter celebrity realness.

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White with black: Kylie Minogue, Leelee Sobieski, Tiger Woods and Lindsay Vonn.

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Straight-up glam: Heidi Klum.

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Linda Evangelista is pretty sure Empress Josephine was a hardcore band.

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Julianne Hough was the 80s prom queen sneaking off to see Adam and the Ants. (This dress is Topshop, btw!)

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Bella Heathcote opted for delicate lace.

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There's something kind of Gatsby about Karlie Kloss's look.

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More light or bright white: Rita Ora

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Olivia Wilde (with Jason Sudekis)…

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Dylan Lauren, Marion Cotillard (actually in peach and pink) and Fabiola Baracasa.

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Zooey Deschanel ditched her bangs and wore seersucker — the sole nod to punk the safety pin on her clutch.

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Where else do Chelsea Clinton, Lily Cole and Vivienne Westwood rub elbows?

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I don't know what the fuck Karolina Kurkova is wearing but she manages to be intimidating nevertheless.

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Shimmery metallics were also a big theme last night; feeling the heavy metal by way of Medival Rome: Giovanna Battaglia.

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Mary-Kate Olsen went in a similar direction, looking like a character on The Borgias.

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Also feeling like rock royalty: Katy Perry in Dolce & Gabbana.

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Golden punk rock Joan of Arc: Ginnifer Goodwin.

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More shine: Elizabeth Banks, Hilary Rhoda, Giuliana Rancic.

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Muted metallics: Claire Danes (with Hugh Dancy); Aubrey Plaza; Stacy Kiebler.

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Positively reflective: Lauren Santo Domingo, Karen Elson, Sofia Coppola (with a dotty Marc Jacobs), Constance Jablonski.

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Are gilded butterflies on Saharan cheetah punk? It's unclear. But this is one of the best looks of the entire night. Meow, Coco Rocha.

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Plenty of guests embraced bright color. Sunshine and gold for Joely Richardson, Lily Aldridge (with Caleb Followill from Kings of Leon), Hanneli Mustaparta, Lisa Maria Falcone.

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Electric yellow on Elettra Rossellini Wiedemann.

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Looking like Steve Nicks rolled through a field of goldenrod and saffron: Ashley Olsen.

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Green is good: Kate Upton, Ivanka Trump, Uma Thurman.

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Teaching Simon Doonan a thing or two: Solange.

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Ladies sing the blues: Jessica Paré

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Cameron Diaz

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Nicki Minaj.

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Minka Kelly went all boysenberry.

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Eh, Kate Bosworth, whatever.

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Violet femmes: Kerry Washington, Mindy Kaling (with BJ Novak), Naomie Harris.

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Patterns: Leslie Mann, Nora Zehetner, Stella McCartney (the underside of her dress matched Alasdhair Willis' jacket!)

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Elle Fanning (in Rodarte) is 70s; Maggie Q is 90s; Morgan Saylor is thrilled.

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More brights! Taking things literally: Hedge fund manager Julie Macklowe.

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A pretty princess, as usual: Gwyneth Paltrow.

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Channelling an '80s-era Pat Benetar: Anja Rubik (with Anthony Vaccarello).

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Red, classy, not too exciting: Maggie Gyllenhaal, Ziyi Zhang, LaLa Anthony.

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Teresa Palmer, Julie Chen, Peggy Siegal.

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Elegant dress, edgy accessories: Kate Beckinsale.

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Slink, personified: Amber Heard.

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Should we be happy or sad that Kristen Stewart left her Chucks at home?

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Sweet and spiky: Kate Mara.

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Tarted up in tartan: Christina Ricci.

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Showing the kids how to fucking do it properly: Her Madgesty Queen Madonna. GOBOSH.

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Here's where things start to get darker. Michelle Dockery, Christopher Kane and Stella Tennant, Rosie Huntington-Whitely.

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Kirsten Dunst in the role of mysterious coquette.

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Brooklyn Decker has looked better.

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Punk rock blood bleeds all up and down Paloma Faith in the best possible way.

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For someone so Vogue and so Gossip Girl, Blake Lively plays it pretty safe/boring.

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Allison Williams takes a risk, looks mildly ridiculous while doing so.

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A+ for Chanel Iman, Eve, Felicity Jones.

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Working it like the rent is due tomorrow: Doutzen Kroes (with Olivier Theyskens).

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Various iterations of basic black: Carine Roitfeld went playful; Jennifer Lawrence just dressed like her Dior ad, Chloe Sevigny does a Grey Gardens Misshapes thing.

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Acceptable but nothing to write home about: Alicia Keys, Pixie Geldof, Renee Zellweger.

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Black on black times two: Jerry and Jessica Seinfeld, Jamie Campbell Bower and Lily Collins, Donna Karan and Calvin Klein.

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Once again, with feeling: Lauren Bush Lauren and David Lauren; Amar'e and Alexis Stoudmire; Joan Smalls and Tom Ford.

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"Maybe I'll just do something with my eyes" — Emily Blunt. (With your ex-boyfriend John Krasinski.)

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Black, but neither basic nor boring: Alexa Chung, Ashley Greene, Jessica Hart, Carolyn Murphy.

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Legends in their own time: Zandra Rhodes, Diane Von Furstenberg (with Barry Diller), Debbie Harry (with Chris Stein).

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Of these three, the last is the best: Jessica Alba, Thalia, Tabitha Simmons.

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It's pretty punk to make the world your gynecologist, says Gisele Bundchen (with Tom Brady).

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Just the tip: Diane Kruger (with Pacey Witter.)

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Ladies and gentlemen, Miley Cyrus. Are you loving it or loathing it?

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Right at home in this milieu: Kelly Osbourne.

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Amanda Seyfried looks fabulous, dramatic, with a hint of goth.

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Showing some skin: Dakota Fanning.

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Ummm… Good effort, January Jones?

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Fauxhawk and lace look great on Jennifer Morrison.

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Even though the mullet dress is usally a big old mess, somehow it works — with a cool headband and apropos clutch — on Michelle Williams.

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Attitude is everything for Greta Gerwig, Fran Lebowitz and Jamie King.

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Net leggings and minimal makeup are kind of meh on Jessica Biel.

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With a killer figure and a purse that can maim, Miranda Kerr has the right idea.

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One earring! Bare midriff! Emma Watson leaves Hermione in the dust.

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Form-fitting and pseudo-nude, what a shock, Jennifer Lopez.

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Donatella Versace is completely comfortable with where chaos meets couture, and the fact that it can be painful.

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A smokey eye and a studded dress are pretty perfect for Cara Delevingne.

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Blonde befeathered, showing sideboob: Anne Hathaway channels Brigitte Nielsen circa 1987.

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One of my favorites of the night: Witchy fringe on Florence Welch like Siouxsie Sioux goes to the Oscars.

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Carey Mulligan: Simple, perfect, simply perfect.

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Looking absolutely sublime: Taylor Swift in J. Mendel.

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Kudos to Nina Dobrev for figuring out how to stand out instead of blending in, while looking comfortable and gorgeous.

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Of course, the queen of the night — with a perfectly-timed entrance (late) so that she had the red carpet to herself — was Beyoncé. Maybe it's not the best dress (Givenchy, tyvm), or the most flattering, or even punk. But it does make you go WELL DAMN. IT'S OVER. SHUT IT DOWN.

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Images via Getty and AP.

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DISCUSSION

therealquash
therealquash ᕙ(⇀‸↼‶)ᕗ

WAIT A SECOND. I have been waiting all damn day to hear about Kim's dress and this is all I get? I get it. We shouldn't body snark her. And I don't want to. I don't care that she is pregnant.

BUT THAT DRESS IS AWFUL. And the matching gloves! My god!