Last night the MTV Video Music Awards were held in Los Angeles, and started early. Apparently this was necessary because the President was speaking and it was also Fashion's Night Out. But it resulted in a fashion photo disaster: Celebrities were all dressed up in the middle of the goddamn afternoon, under the harsh light of the sunny Southern Californian sky, and there were giant shadows on the red carpet and everyone looked like shit. Despite the awful, awful pictures, for which I do not blame the photographers but the organizers, who apparently are not aware that sunlight is hard on skin and clothes and casts shadows, we will proceed, and judge the clothes, which, for the most part, also looked like shit. Let's get started, shall we?
Let's start with the good. Rihanna looked gorgeous in short hair and a drapey white gown. Slightly edgy, very elegant.
Rihanna Nailed it. Har.
If you tried to describe Katy Perry's dress — leather, with a tie, and then some sheer, with sparkles and a swimsuit underneath — it would sound awful. But it's actually quite lovely, in a Morticia-Addams-goes-on-a-cruise way.
Sheer is a thing, and you may not be into that thing, but Miley Cyrus looked good. Although. She should have done her hair in an over-the-eye Robyn swoop instead of a stiff Jedward electrocution quiff.
Taylor Swift's crisp white suit fits perfectly. Her fair skin and light blonde hair might be ever so slightly washed out, and this might not be the most exciting or fun or youthful ensemble for an MTV event, but like, whatever.
Weird, huh. You imagine a day like this, but you don't really think it will actually ever arrive. Here it is, folks: Ke$ha looks beautiful.
Holland Roden, from Teen Wolf, one of my guilty pleasures, is so freakin pretty. Dig the ice skating frock, but the hair could be better. Hate the tendrils. Slicked-back bouncy ponytail would have been swellegant, no?
Jesse Williams is so cute we'll forgive the hat that casts a shadow over those lovely eyes. PSY is rocking true, classy, Gangnam Style. Frank Ocean mixes patterns, and at first you're like, eh, but then you realize it's all about the unexpected and not being cookie cutter and not fitting in and so yeah, it works.
Billie Joe from Green Day wants to know if you can hear it or should he turn it up?
You can call them One Direction, you can call them Wand Erection, as long as we agree that IF you are forced to pick one, which you shouldn't, because that is highly inappropriate, the "ethnic" one, Zayn, with his little Arabic tattoos, is the best one.
Alicia Keys is all, hey, remember Angelina's leg? I have one too. Dig the asymmetrical hair with the asymmetrical dress. And Regina Spektor's little '50s frock is adorable.
Now we're heading into not-so-good territory. Pink's long-sleeved long gown is fairly forgettable. Also, just looking at people all covered up under bright sunlight induces a bit of sympathy sweating.
More perspiration inspiration: Wiz Khalifa and Amber Rose.
Kat Graham parties like it's 1995 and she is Madonna wearing Gucci.
Sparkle and shine: Rita Ora's jumpsuit looks hurtful to all ladyparts. I like flappers as much as the next gal, but there's something droopy and sad about Carah Faye's dress. Gabby Douglas's sporty sequins are great. Cutiepie!
RuPaul is a patriot! Nice sandals. Teen Wolf's Crystal Reed smolders in flaming red. Tyler Posey, the Teen Wolf himself, has a beard now, and I don't like it one bit.
Bad: Leather that might be good in the right scenario but under the harsh glare of daylight looks gross: Kevin Hart, Elizabeth Reaser, Maria Menounos.
And now for the Ugly: If there were a little-known renegade Village People cover band called Pillage People, Nicki Minaj could be the cop.
Not just Ugly, but Fugly: Jessica Szohr's hair looks fried and dry, the leopard scarf is too low, she's wearing some kind of gladiator lingerie top, and that skirt should never be worn, least of all with *WINCE* high-heeled high-top sneakers. Barf. Also, I love Zoe Saldana, but the messy hair and the hanging-string hemline are doing nothing for her.
Tyga matches, at least? Still hideous. Ezra Miller is a gorgeous, stunning, beautiful specimen of a man, but like Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt, Christian Bale and some other chiseled men, he feels the need to hide the hotness. Fine for now, but don't make a habit of it. Also WTF ARE YOU WEARING. Also: Grooming, have you heard of it? You're totally dragging down poor Emma Watson. Meanwhile, Gotye's girlfriend is wearing remnants. Sigh.
And to wrap up the Ugly category? Ladies and gentleman: Riff Raff.