The Girls Are Down Bad: J.Lo ‘Was Going to Die’ Without Ben Affleck, Billie Eilish Calls Boyfriend ‘Hottest Fucker Alive’

We’ve all had a partner that has prompted a head scratch, a sideways glance, and a sympathetic hand pat from our loved ones. Maybe said person hasn’t inked the length of their back with a phoenix tattoo and been pictured having a series of existential crises on the beach, the sidelines of a sporting event, or outside of their home, but you get it!

Despite conventional beauty, a bounty of cash, and accessibility to a pool of other, more appealing options, some might say, two of the world’s most famous pop girlies, Jennifer Lopez and Billie Eilish, aren’t immune from participating in one of straight culture’s most time-honored traditions: loudly singing the praises of a guy that romantic love has hoodwinked them into thinking is the ultimate prize, when he’s actually just…a guy. Everyone else sees it, and yet, we’re all just kind of scratching and glancing and hand-patting because, well, we’ve all been there.

Let’s start with Lopez. On Monday, during a sit-down with Apple Music, she spent an impressive amount of time gushing over new husband Ben Affleck—even admitting that post-2004 split, she felt she’d “die” without him. “It was so painful after we broke up,” Lopez told host Zane Lowe. “Once we called off that wedding 20 years ago, it was the biggest heartbreak of my life. I honestly felt like I was going to die.” Death? By Mr. Dunkin??? Now, as truly tempted as I am to judge, I’ve dated too many men in politics with framed posters of Barack Obama above their beds, so, technically, I’m out.

Lopez also confided that the breakup resulted in an 18-year spiral wherein she often felt she “couldn’t get it right.” Fortunately, when she and Affleck reconciled in 2021, their connection was as “immediate” as the first time they met. “The whole message of the album is, ‘This love exists. This is a real love.’” Aw. The hand patting has ceased, but the scratching continues.

Affleck, she said, is even as acquainted with her impending album, This Is Me…Now, as she is and had a hand in the creative process—beyond inspiring some lyrics, of course. “He loves that album. He loves that music. He knows all of the words. You know what I mean? It’s crazy. He also was with me while I was creating it. You know what it is to make an album. You’re listening to the demos in the car. You’re listening to the mixes. ‘I wrote this today. What do you think of this?’” Let’s hope that’s the extent of their collaboration. Bennifer 2.0 is one thing, but no one is asking for a Gigli sequel.

As for Eilish, the 20-year-old singer told Vanity Fair this week that she fancies her new boyfriend, The Neighborhood’s Jesse Rutherford, the “hottest fucking fucker alive.”

“I managed to get my life to a point where I not only was known by a person that I thought was the hottest fucking fucker alive, but pulled his ass,” she boasted. “Are we kidding me? Can we just [claps] round of applause for me? Thank you! Jesse Rutherford, everyone.” I’m not certain why she’s thanking him when he might as well be the cashier at my hometown mall’s Hot Topic, but OK!

Meanwhile, her fans still think she needs glasses, and he’s just a fucker. To quote one exchange on Twitter: “Doing all this for the most average looking white man ever,” a fan reacted to Pop Crave’s post about the interview. Rutherford, as many of her fans have pointed out, first met Eilish when she was still a teenage up-and-comer (he’s 11 years her senior).

“I pulled his ass—all me!” she went on to brag. “I did that shit. I locked that motherfucker down.”

Don’t mind me, just scratching, glancing, and patting!

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• Jessie James Decker, national anthem apologist, has found an all-too-likely ally in Candace Cameron Bure, traditional marriage advocate, amidst online backlash about her children’s washboard abs. [Page Six]
• A former fling of Prince Harry told The Sun that during their brief time together, she and the then-21-year-old wrestled and shared bacon sandwiches. [The Sun]
• Matt Lauer is “withdrawn,” even five years after being axed from the Today show for sexual misconduct allegations, sources say. Good! [People]
• Kevin Spacey gets the Johnny Depp treatment: books a new role just weeks after a sexual battery trial, and a few months before he faces more charges of sexual assault in London. [Daily Mail]